Capital Gazette wins special Pulitzer Prize citation for coverage of newsroom shooting that killed five

Gripes zap bagel cutters, male earrings, ya know?


I put together some columns of readers' gripes after my colleague Bob Greene did a series of heartwarming columns on what made people happy. I believe in journalistic balance.

Let the venom flow:

Newscasters who use the term "senseless murder" like there's such a thing as a sensible murder.

When the mailman comes at a different time every day. I like order in my life.

If Mr. Lender can't cut his bagels straight down the middle, then he should leave them uncut. I'm sick of crooked cut bagels getting stuck in my toaster every morning.

People who don't spay or neuter all their pets.

My major gripe is with the zealots who continually call for a "return to Christian values." So whose values have we been following -- Hindu? Zoroastrian? And which form of Christianity are they talking about -- Branch Davidian? Unitarian? Fie and bah on such sanctimonious windbags!

Golfers who don't yell "fore" until the ball is five feet from you.

People who say, "Not to change the subject," and then proceed to change the subject.

Yappies. This is a mutation of the species Yuppie, characterized by incessant use of cellular phones in traffic, in restaurants and other places where they are sure to be a bother.

Bartenders who answer the phone and tell your wife you're here when you said you're not.

I really hate the crude, loudmouthed females in audiences who applaud by screaming like banshees -- terrible braying screams like ice picks in the ears. Very unattractive. I suppose it's just one more sign of the vulgarization and general "dumbing" down of society.

Darling little earrings worn by otherwise masculine-looking males.

Calling dirty movies and books "adult."

Pig-brained celebrity presenters at the Academy Award ceremonies who hog air time so they can rally for the civil rights of Indonesian silkworms.

The belief of advertisers that we see a difference between

$99.99 and $100.

It's a real tooth grinder to try to listen to someone talk who has to say "you know" every third word.

Smelly, slobbering canines.

Rush Limbaugh -- what a pompous and ignorant ass. He is also very bigoted.

Taking out the juice container from the refrigerator only to discover that the slob before you has finished the last of the juice and is keeping the empty container cold.

People who talk about their grass.

Cologne or bubble bath or candy commercials that tell you if you use it or eat it you are guaranteed to have an exotic experience or lifestyle.

All the straight pins in the packaged dress shirts.

Sixteen-inch softball players in designer uniforms, who drink before the games and wear baseball gloves during the games. The ultimate in Yupptudeness and wimpytudeness.

People who kill other people because they're having a bad day.

The conceit that this planet will put up with and support us forever, no matter what we inflict upon it.

People who take the National Enquirer or the Star seriously.

People who look at you disapprovingly in the airport lounge at 7 a.m. when you're just having an eye opener.

Idiots who don't reply to your party invitation but suddenly show up with their spouse and five kids.

What I absolutely despise: People who say "Why don't you smile?" What I would love to say to these people is: "I'll smile when I (bleeping) feel like it, not when YOU want me to!" These people are rude, presumptuous, self-centered creeps who apparently feel that their mere presence merits big, grateful smiles all around!

People who suck face in public . . . rent a room!

The eternal, infernal bouncing of a basketball on the neighbor's driveway, outside my bedroom window by a preteen who seems to have no purpose in life but to destroy my wife's flower bed and prevent any rest and relaxation.

Jet skis anywhere.

The IRS never has been audited and it is responsible to no one. It does totally illegal things, and seems to have a free rein to do whatever it deems necessary.

Hillbilly-types who park junk cars in their yard.

Those immigrants in the U.S. who left home to escape tyranny and then try to make us over in the same image of the mess they vacated.

The TV people's head wagging to make it appear that they

aren't using cue cards.

The words "Thank you" have all but disappeared from everyday transactions. They have been replaced with, "There ya' go" while being handed a bag, change or whatever.

While watching the Academy Awards, my daughter, who is 12, pointed out to me that she couldn't legally even see four of the five movies nominated for Best Picture. What a sad commentary on the film industry.

Some dude in a $1,000 suit on TV tells me I have to bite the bullet.

Sags, wrinkles and a little gray hair don't automatically mean a person is senile. So why do younger people talk to us like we're children? Above all, spare me being referred to as "young lady." Makes me feel like throwing up.

L The notion that socialism has ever worked or ever will work.

I detest people who try to explain why they stayed in a poker hand after they lost the hand.

I'm allergy prone and tend to sneeze a good deal. I hate to be "Bless youed" by people after every sneeze. Annoys the hell out of me.

The drivers of those little mechanical bugs think my big old sedan exists for the sole purpose of impeding their progress. They impatiently follow me up a single lane freeway approach, then immediately swing out to pass this "coot-car." It's really a pleasure at that point to kick that big V-8 engine and leave them in the dust.

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