'What if' and other questions for today


This is a good time of year for what ifs and why nots.

* What if we give the Clintons a week off. No press bulletins, no photo ops, a news blackout. The President deserves a kind of news holiday from the nit-pickers. He will get a lot more done, and so will you. Yes, a week without Clintons, and that goes for Socks too.

* What if Geraldo, Maury and Oprah run out of transvestites, serial killers who were nuns, women boxers, men who want to be pregnant and children who drink mouthwash? So where will they get their guests? I'll tell you -- animals. They will have pigs that are household pets, dolphins that drive cars, Dalmatians that try to lick off their spots, sparrows that use computers, snakes that eat at the dinner table.

* Why doesn't Sam Donaldson get more realistic hair, like Terry Bradshaw's or Frank Perdue's?

* Will Secretary of State Warren Christopher, Vice President Al Gore and Robert Stack of "Unsolved Mysteries" smile on camera in 1993?

* Why am I the only person I know who doesn't like "Love and War," the sit-com starring Jay Thomas, who looks and acts like someone I wouldn't want to sit next to on a long plane ride, and Susan Dey, who looks like she might want to go back to the slick chick on "L.A. Law.?" Why don't I think the show is funny?

* Will American nanny schools offering Ph.D's flourish in the next few years?

* What if Roseanne Arnold and her husband, Tom, divorce? Then can we please get a separation from "The Jackie Thomas Show?"

* What if 4- to 10-year-olds think that "Beauty and the Beast"

reflects the way men act before they fall in love?

* Will barbecue on the East Coast be as good during the Clinton years as it was in the Lyndon Johnson era?

* So what if Clinton builds a jogging track on the White House campus. That's a lot cheaper than a golf course. Franklin Roosevelt put in a swimming pool.

* What if Mick Jagger and Mike Wallace had face lifts and Barbra Streisand and Gary Shandling got new noses? It would take away their persona and popularity, don't you think?

* Does everyone who is worried about an energy tax know that a Btu is not a branch of the government, or a new contraceptive?

* What if Dr. Hillary, Medicine Woman consults with journalist Bill Moyers on her health agenda.

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