No sense fighting it. As The Boss would say: 57 channels and the election's on. There's nothing else to do, so let's rock around the clock with the election on television:
8:18 a.m. I certainly hope NBC pays overtime. There's Bryant Gumbel on "The Today Show," and he's going to have to work tonight, too. No wonder Jane Pauley left "Today." There she was, putting in those long hours, while her husband was home all day, drawing cartoons. I bet he never even emptied the dishwasher.
8:19 a.m. On "Good Morning America," Joan Lunden is talking to a veterinarian who's patting a horse on the neck. Something about this election being a horse race, I think.
8:28 a.m. Based on early returns from Guam -- let's see, because ofthe International Date Line, they voted a week and a half ago -- "CBS This Morning" is projecting George Bush the winner.
8:49 a.m. I'm seeing a last-ditch blitz of ads for a candidate named Jenny Craig. I'm not sure what office she's running for, but her platform seems to focus on cutting the fat in government.
8:55 a.m. Big scoop on CNN: The people of Dixville Notch, N.H., always the first Americans to cast their ballots, saw that CBS report on Guam and decided not to vote.
9:10 a.m. Joan Rivers is talking to porn stars and their spouses. This has nothing to do with the election, and I'll definitely turn it off in another 45 minutes or so.
10:07 a.m. Maury Povich is talking to some guy who's naked. A Perot supporter?
10:08 a.m. Vicki Lawrence, who apparently had her name changed toVicki! in hopes that no one would remember she once sang "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia," is having a panel discussion with women who possess Great Hollywood Legs. Somehow, Bill Clinton has found the time to appear on this show.
10:35 a.m. I always thought C-SPAN was a kind of laxative. It turns out that it's a cable channel. Right now, it's showing live coverage of a fellow doing a radio talk show in Chattanooga, Tenn. You know, I think I was right about C-SPAN the first time.
12:10 p.m. Clinton's on CNN. His voice is shot. If he doesn't win the election, he always can get a job as a Rod Stewart impressionist.
12:28 p.m. On Channel 13's noon news, Marty Bass asks Sandra Pickney who her favorite Beatle was. Why didn't this come up during the debates?
2:51 p.m. Exhaustive research reveals that Perot's Sunday night infomercial (this guy's bigger than Fran Tarkenton and Blu Blockers combined) drew an 8.9 rating and 14 share on NBC and 7.1/11 on ABC. Forget politics; Perot's going into TV after the election. Sunday nights on Fox: "Perot: No Slow Dancing."
6:30 p.m. Make sure you get out and vote, CBS's Dan Rather says, and don't be influenced by the early reports. "When we tell you a new president has been elected, you can bank it," he says. I guess Dan slept through that Guam report.
6:40 p.m. NBC's John Cochran is talking about how Bush might take Clinton on a scheduled December trip to Moscow to meet Boris Yeltsin. And then, one supposes, the three could go out drinking at one of those KGB bars Clinton knows.
7:02 p.m. More people get their news from ABC than any other source. I guess that even includes MTV's Tabitha Soren. But those people who talk about TV's bias in favor of Clinton might have something; ABC's Lynn Sherr and Clinton have the same haircut.
7:14 p.m. Now I know why everyone watches ABC News -- it's just like "Star Trek: The Next Generation." Cokie Roberts is standing in an empty House of Representatives. But -- holy Captain Picard! -- that isn't really the House; it's just a projection. Wow, Commander Cokie on the hologram deck.
7:22 p.m. On Channel 2, 78 percent of the precincts have reported on "Wheel of Fortune," and Pat Sajak projects that the homemaker from Texarkana wouldn't be caught dead at the Piggly Wiggly store in that dress that Vanna is wearing.
7:23 p.m. New Channel 11 anchor Carol Costello is at Republican headquarters in Timonium, apparently alone except for a cricket she's holding in a cup. She and the cricket reportedly will be co-anchors on WBAL-TV's 6 p.m. news starting next week.
7:29 p.m. CNN is giving Clinton West Virginia. Someone in Japan is unhappy about this, because a Nissan commercial suddenly interrupts the telecast.
7:34 p.m. Rather says, "Your vote matters."
He also says: "One reason you want to get out and vote is that there are a lot of Senate races that are hotter than a hickory fire."
Does Perot write his stuff, or what?
7:39 p.m. CBS's Connie Chung reports on winners in several state races. Deep down inside, she knows her husband interviewed a naked guy on TV earlier today.
7:45 p.m. On Channel 2, Alex Trebek presides over "Jeopardy." On MPT, a shrew is in jeopardy, becoming lunch for a badger. Did the shrew vote earlier?
7:49 p.m. Rather says we should get out and vote.
7:59 p.m. CNN is giving state after state to Clinton. On ABC's map, New Jersey is glowing. Must be a refinery fire in Elizabeth.
8:04 p.m. Rather says to make sure you vote.
8:05 p.m. ABC's Peter Jennings looks like Matthew Broderick in "WarGames" standing in front of his network's map in a control room.
8:07 p.m. There's Bryant Gumbel on NBC. He must have taken a nap. Good for you, Bryant.
8:22 p.m. On MPT, somebody is talking about the election being over. But there's so much noise in the background, it looks more like a pledge drive.
8:27 p.m. There's Rather again. I get up to go vote, get halfway to the poll before remembering that the polls are closed and, besides, I already voted.
9:05 p.m. Dan, you can't make me feel guilty anymore. This election's over.