It's election eve. And despite the debates, the MTV specials and Larry King, there are still some undecided voters -- known to pollsters as the who-am-I, why-am-I-here people. For these folks, we'll take one last look at the candidates' positions.
How will you fix the economy?
Bush: Nothing wrong with it. If you want to listen to the nay-sayers, the draft dodgers, the tree lovers, the nuclear-freeze crowd, the unemployed. . . . Not gonna do it. Look, you got a bozo from a small state and a loon with big ears. Who do you trust? That's the question. Or ask me my favorite color. That's another good question. That's a question that Larry King asked me. I'll tell you this, it ain't yella, like some joker I could name.
Perot: Folks, you've seen my commercials. You bought my book. So you know the answer. You get under the hood, fix the engine, and you don't slow dance. Slow dance under the engine, you get a face full of grease. I've been there. You gotta fast dance, folks. Do what I do before you slide under: Put on some Def Leppard. And if that doesn't work, I write you a check. I got 3 billion. End of story.
Clinton (bites lip): I'm bitin' my lip because it makes me look humble and sincere. Genny used to love it when I bit my lip. She liked me to bite her lip, too. Hillary hates it. What Hillary wants me to do is tax and spend and do that liberal, George McGovern act. She loves McGovern. Can you beat that? It's 1992, and she doesn't have the courage to change. We can fix this economy if only we have the courage to change. I have the courage to make the tough decisions. Look at my hair. You don't think it takes guts to wear your hair like this?
Can you be trusted?
Bush: The draft dodgers and the nuclear-freeze crowd keep wantin' to bring up Iraqgate and Irangate, in the loop, out of the loop, Froot Loop, be-bop-a-loop. . . . Bar and I got -- what is it, Bar? -- 55 or 60 grandkids. You should see 'em crawlin' all over the Oval Office, scarfin' down pork rinds. When I got shot down in the Pacific, I thought about grandkids. OK, not little brown ones. Not gonna lie to you. Never had little brown ones before in the Bush family. But that's America.
Perot: Here's the deal. If you can't trust me, you can't trust anyone. I've had myself investigated, must be a hunnert times. Always been clean, a hunnert percent. I've investigated my family. They're clean, a hunnert percent. Not a lesbian in the whole bunch. You know me. You put me on the ballot, and if I snuck the volunteers a little money, that's business. Now, you're not gonna be hunnert percent honest in business. You think the Japanese and Germans are completely honest? Look, if you don't trust me, I don't want your vote. I got 3 billion.
Clinton (bites lip): Can we go to the next question?
A quick look at foreign policy:
Bush: When Jim Baker's not fixing the economy, he'll be fixing the world, just like we fixed Pineapple Face and Saddam.
Perot: Bush sent hunnerts of thousands of our boys and girls to get Saddam, and he's still there. Folks, I can send four people over there and have him hog-tied before you can say Lawrence Welk. Or I can just buy him out. I got 3 billion. End of story.
Clinton: Bush coddled Saddam. I won't coddle dictators. I won't send them arms. I won't even return their phone calls. Mr. Perot thinks war is a game of snatch the flag. I know the horrors of war. I took a course in it over at Oxford.
What about health care?
Bush: I've got a plan. Get rid of the lawyers, the draft dodgers, the nuclear -freeze crowd, Magic Johnson, and we'll be fine. I want to be the health-care president and see if we can do for health care what we did for the environment and education.
Perot: You can't afford a doctor, come see me. I'll write you a check. I got 3 billion.
Clinton (bites lip): We were sittin' around the house the other day. I had "Blueberry Hill" on the hi-fi. Tipper was writing down the words. Al couldn't quite get the beat. Hillary was fixing cookies. And my daughter Chelsea comes up to me and says, "Daddy, what can we do about the 37 million poor people who don't have health insurance?" I told her that's why I was runnin' for president. I was gonna give them free health insurance. I was gonna give people free college education. I was gonna give them a free color TV. Free cable, too. And the only people's taxes I
was gonna raise were Ross Perot's and ol' Bush's.