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Dirty tricks campaign is unreliably revealed


Ross Perot is being called mentally unstable because he claims that Republican dirty tricksters planned to disrupt his daughter's wedding. He says the evil plot was one of the reasons he dropped out of the presidential race for a while.

A White House spokesman responded to Perot's charge by saying: "It's all loony."

But is this plot really a loony figment of his imagination? And is Perot being unfairly labeled as a strange duck?

It happens that I have obtained an exclusive copy of a secret dirty-tricks plan that an unreliable source says is authentic. On the other hand, maybe it isn't authentic. But even if it isn't, who knows?

The cover of the plan bears the title, "Confidential, Top Security: Official White House Dirty Tricks Plans to Disrupt the Wedding of Ross Perot's Daughter and Really Make Perot Mad So He Jumps Up and Down Like Crazy."

"Step 1: Female agents will pose as aunts, great-aunts and other relatives on the groom's side. They will enter the church and take seats as close to the aisle as possible.

"When the wedding procession begins, these agents will wait until the bride is walking down the aisle, at which time the females will stage-whisper so loud that the bride and everyone else in the church can hear them: 'Oh, my goodness, where in the world did she buy that gown?" And, 'Can you imagine, she has the gall to wear white? I mean, who is she kidding?' Also, 'Oh, he could have done so much better, but I guess it's all that Perot money.'

"Step 2: When the minister reaches the part of the ceremony when he asks if anyone has any reason why the couple should not be married and to speak now or forever remain silent, a female agent in the back of the church should call out: 'Yes, that man should make an honest woman of me and give our three children a loving daddy.'

And another agent will hold a male midget aloft and should say: 'How can she marry him when she is in love with Horace, my little brother?'

"Step 3: A team of agents should be assigned outside of the church to throw rice at the bride and groom. Rice should be chicken fried with soy sauce so it sticks to the gown and tux.

"Step 4: Another group of agents will be assigned the task of getting their cars into the line of vehicles, honking their horns while driving to the reception.

These cars should be old, smoke-belching Pontiacs and Chevys from the '60s, all appropriately festooned with crepe paper and bumper signs that say: 'Just married -- Hot Springs tonight, Har, Har!'

"Step 5: Two teams of agents will be assigned to the reception. One will pose as relatives on the bride's side, the other from the groom's side.

The groom team will loudly complain that the food is second-rate and the liquor cheap and possibly watered.

The bride's team will pretend to be indignant and will begin punching as well as throwing glasses and bottles at the other team. Hopefully, other guests will join in the ensuing brawl.

"Step 6: The orchestra leader will be bribed so that no matter what musical request is scheduled, he will lead the orchestra in playing the 'I Don't Want Her, You Can Have Her, She's Too Fat For Me Polka.'

"Step 7: Arrangements will be made for the delivery of official-looking state documents to the bride and groom during the reception. The documents will bear the seal of the state health agency and will say: 'We regret to inform you that you have both failed the blood test. Better luck next time.'

"Step 8: A female agent, wearing an old house dress, should stand outside the reception hall with three weeping children, all crying, 'Call the wedding off, we want our daddy back.'

"Step 9: The baker who prepares the wedding cake should be bribed. When the bride and groom prepare to make the traditional first slice, a naked male midget will come popping out of the cake and shout: 'How could you leave me for him?'

"Step 10: A team of special burglar agents will be assigned to sneak into the room where the wedding gifts are stored. All of the gifts will be stolen and replaced with 500 crock pots."

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