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Just a few last-minute inquiries


WE are now winding up what many experts consider the perfect presidential campaign.

I have on my desk hundreds of queries concerning the outcome, and I will try to answer as many as I can.

From Scotsville, Miss.: "If George Bush loses the election, will he move back to his one-room studio in Houston, which he claims as his primary residence to avoid paying taxes in Washington?"

Mr. Bush hasn't announced where he will go if he is defeated. But he has always considered the one room in Houston his true home, and it is most likely that that's where he will write his memoirs and cut the sagebrush surrounding his condo.

From Andover, Mass.: "Do you think that if Bill Clinton is elected, he will reinstate the draft?"

Bill has always supported the draft and told friends that one of his biggest regrets is that his number was not called during the Vietnam War. If elected he may ask for a new number so that he can have one more crack at serving in the armed forces.

From Warren, Pa.: "What will happen to Murphy Brown once the election is over?"

It will be curtains for Murphy if Mr. Bush wins. The inside dope is that if there is a Bush-Quayle victory Murphy will join the U.S. Navy Tailhook Association in hopes of finding a suitable father for her child.

From Montgomery, Ala.: "Is Ross Perot as big an enigma to you as he is to me?"

Ross is the kind of person in a family who says he's going out to buy a pack of cigarettes and doesn't return for six years. When Ross said that he was pulling out of the race, both the Democratic and Republican camps said, "Good riddance." When he said that he was coming back in, they both said, "Good God!"

From Bakersfield, Calif.: "Why does George Bush try to identify with Harry Truman?"

Because someone told Mr. Bush that Truman attended Yale.

From Appleton, Wis.: "Any chance of Henry Kissinger becoming our next secretary of state under George Bush?"

Henry says that even if the President insisted, he has decided to devote the rest of his public life to telling the truth, despite the fact this could mean exposing his enemies for the mean-spirited people they really are. His only interest in Laos and Cambodia now is to sign up both countries as clients for his consulting business.

From Portland, Ore.: "If George Bush was out of the loop on Iran-Contra, where was Dan Quayle when the bottom fell out of the economy?"

He was at Disneyland winding his Mickey Mouse watch.

From Rheinbeck, N.Y.: "Should I know who Al Gore is?"

Not necessarily. I'm the only one who knows Al Gore. Al Gore is a friend of mine, and I want to tell you this right now, Al Gore is no Al Gore.

From Missoula, Mont.: "I heard in a bar that Pat Buchanan likes to kick dogs. Any truth to it?"

None whatsoever. He likes to bite them.

From Winnet, Ariz.: "Ross Perot?"

That's not the question. Come to think of it, it's not the answer either.

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