Quayle's Hollywood war should begin with Arnold


Enough about Murphy Brown and her baby. What about Arnold Schwarzenegger, one of the biggest of all Hollywood stars?

Here we have a staunch Republican, who was appointed by George Bush as chairman of the President's Council on Physical Fitness and Sports.

At the GOP convention, Republicans were tripping over each other to get their pictures taken with Big Arnold. Proper Republican ladies pleaded to be allowed to touch a dainty finger to his bicep.

Ah, but what kind of films does this prominent Republican star make? What kind of traditional family values does he reflect?

Sordid, that's what kind.

And I'm not just talking about the violence, although that's what he's best known for: blood spurting, body parts flying, murder, mayhem, disfigurement and corpses strewn from the screen to the popcorn machine.

In one of his "Terminator" movies, he barged into a police station and blew away every cop in the place. Mowed them down like empty bottles on a fence. Was there any compassion for the family values of the policemen -- their weeping widows and wailing offspring? No, Arnold coolly stepped over their lifeless bodies and went looking for someone else to shoot.

But does Dan Quayle, in his crusade against Hollywood, say anything about that? When asked about Arnold's mayhem during a TV interview, Quayle's lips trembled, his hands fluttered and he burst into tears and screamed: "Don't ask me about Arnold because I am afraid he will crack my head like a walnut."

(Actually, I'm not sure about that because I dozed off during the interview and maybe I dreamed Quayle said it. But it's probably what he felt in his quivering soul.)

As I said, though, the violence is only a part of it. There is also the issue of illegitimate children, which got Quayle into his great spat with Murphy Brown.

Now, remember, all Murphy Brown did was have a one-night fling with her ex-husband, get pregnant, and have the child. (And she didn't even apply for welfare or take much maternity leave from her job, which should have been of some comfort to Quayle.)

But consider what happened in a couple of Arnold's movies.

In "Twins," Arnold's mom was inseminated with the sperm of nine brilliant men. I'm not sure how it was done. Maybe they mixed it all up in one of those milkshake machines.

So what kind of family values were those? Arnold and Danny DeVito, his twin, being illegitimate and having not one, but nine fathers? Genetic engineering? Test-tube parenting? Is that in the Republican platform?

I'll be interested in hearing Quayle's response if, during his debate with Al Gore, he is asked: "And, Mr. Vice President, how do you feel about Arnold Schwarzenegger, the chairman of your commander in chief's fitness program, playing the role of the offspring of a woman who was inseminated with the seed of nine men?

Is that the kind of family value you would recommend to your fellow Hoosiers, hey?"

And there was similar hanky-panky in "The Terminator" movie. There a man comes back from the future to the present and makes the female star of the movie pregnant. (Although we don't actually see the deed, it is assumed that he does it the old-fashioned way, rather than through test tubes.)

He wasn't even the young woman's ex-husband. She hardly knew the fellow. One day he comes popping out of the future.

A day or two later, they are having what used to be known as a "quickie."

This is the key to the movie's plot, since the illegitimate tyke will grow up to be a great hero in the future and fight the forces of evil who are taking over the world, which is why the forces of evil send the Terminator back into the past to kill her and prevent the pregnancy, so that the great hero is never born and can't fight the forces of evil.

Well, fighting the forces of evil is a worthy cause, I suppose, and even the most prim Republicans would probably forgive the future hero's mom her indiscretion if it preserves life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

But how does Dan Quayle know that Murphy Brown's tot won't grow up to be a great hero and fight the forces of evil? And if that happens, won't he feel silly? Quayle, I mean, not Murphy Brown's kid.

Anyway, if Quayle is going to wage war on Hollywood's warped view of family values, he should have a heart-to-heart talk with the chairman of the President's fitness and sports commission.

Quayle might ask him: "Nine fathers? Arnold, what kind of sport is that?"

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