MAYBE REHAB WILL HELP -- Creepy Coke pitchman who ends NBC "World Premier Videos" with jittery "How'd you like that Eric Clapton video?" and frenzied walk through labyrinthine backstage area has checked into Betty Ford Clinic for obvious amphetamine problem.
DREAM TEAM UPDATE -- Players spent day off at hotel reviewing individual room service bills, with Michael Jordan threatening to quit team after he was charged extra $1.50 for orange juice.
Budding FBI Most Wanted fugitive Charles Barkley sedated by team trainer and ordered not to leave room.
Next opponent: "Golden Oldies" 60-and-over rec team, Mission Viejo, Calif.
RAGS TO RICHES? -- U.S. diver Matt Scoggin, who landed awkwardly on back in finals of platform diving, has quietly entered national series of "Cannonball Contests" sponsored by Coors Light.
First one will be held at a Daytona Beach bar next month.
Each weekday through the end of the Olympics, humor columnist Kevin Cowherd will provide news and views about the games -- as seen from his sofa.