Simon Says:

Have you ever wondered who wore those bowling shoes before you?

* Call me a hopeless traditionalist, but I just can't get used to Santa with an earring.

* Mario Cuomo has to do only three things to become president. Unfortunately, he has no idea what they are.

* Overheard at a party: "Cheap? That man is tighter than the bark a tree."

* I'm not real sure what a "keyless chuck" is, but they make it sound so good on TV that I'm thinking of buying one.

* Yes, it is true: The really hip thing to do is wear your clothes with the store tags still hanging from them.

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Paperback pick of the month: "London Fields" by Martin Amis.

Hardcover pick of the month: "The Man to See" by Evan Thomas.

* I don't care how many times you've seen it, there is always something new in "It's a Wonderful Life." Latest thing I noticed: the number of people walking around on the streets of Bedford Falls after dark. That's always a sure sign you're watching an old movie.

* The Skins game is so much more interesting than golf, why does bother with golf?

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People who use leaf blowers should be beaten with sticks.

* I predict that plain aspirin will go down in history as the wonder drug of the 20th century.

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Glow-in-the-dark toothbrushes? Aw, c'mon.

* Two hundred years ago yesterday the Bill of Rights was ratified. Without the Bill of Rights, this column would not be possible. So it's a mixed blessing.

* Some day "Five Easy Pieces" will be recognized as a masterpiece.

* How come I have this feeling that in five years landfills will be overflowing with Salad Shooters?

* After watching The Warlord vs. The Big Boss Man, I've got to ask: Is pro wrestling fixed or what?

* People who own auto compasses are the strangest people I know.

* Next time you're in a bookstore, look at a travel book for your city and laugh at all the goofy recommendations.

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No one ever looked more like a movie star than Tyrone Power.

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Is there a more pleasant sound than rain on the roof?

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Are Patrick Swayze and Kurt Russell really two different people

? Have you ever seen them in the same room at the same time?

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The cheaper the thrill, the more expensive the regret.

* Show me a person who irons creases in his bluejeans and I'll show you an aging yuppie.

* I think that woman in the wheelchair on those new Kmart commercials is the first time I have ever seen a disabled person in a commercial who was just playing an ordinary role. Good for Kmart.

* As far as I'm concerned, the jury is still out on squeezable jelly bottles.

* It's just a theory, but I think there may be a direct linkage between the steady decline of wishing wells in this country and ** the steady decline of the economy.

* Instead of letting all the independent republics in what was the Soviet Union keep their own nuclear weapons (can you imagine someone using a nuke to solve the next ethnic dispute?), why doesn't the Soviet military simply destroy all the nuclear weapons right now before anyone has a chance to use them?

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If Lenny Bruce were alive today, nobody would even notice.

* Now that's taste: One of the William Kennedy Smith jurors celebrated the end of the trial by going to Au Bar.

* If Congress wants to regain its popularity, all it has to do is ban perfume inserts in magazines.

* A strike by English professors at the University of Maryland? Wow, that ought to bring the state to its knees.

* What on earth has Stephen L. Miles done to his hair?