Frankly, darling, Hollywood isn't what it used to be. Don't you agree?
No one wants to be called a starlet any more. They all want to be "actors." And the average movie star couldn't walk down a staircase in a pair of high heels if her career depended on it. It's almost as if someone pulled a giant plug and let all the glamour run out like so much bathwater.
But not to fret. Glamour is staging a comeback. Not in Hollywood (unless you count that one-woman renaissance Madonna). But right the beauty salons, the lingerie departments, at the makeup counters! The goddess is back and the fashion pages are the new silver screen.
In the spirit of a ravishing winter, some glamour Do's and Don'ts:
* DO try a new 'do. The movie star coiffure is back, from shoulder-caressing Rita Hayworth waves to face-framing '50s curls a la Elizabeth Taylor in "Butterfield 8." How to 'do it? Get ready, get set, get hair rollers.
* DO paint your nails (toes, too) in shimmery moonbeam colors.
* DO take baths. (Showers are so masculine.) And DON'T forget bubbles. MOUNTAINS of them.
* DO feature feathers. Ostrich boas for red-carpet entrances. Marabou-fluffed dusters and mules for the boudoir. At the very LEAST, an eiderdown powder puff for your vanity.
* DO color your hair. Shun "natural-looking" highlights in favor of all-over shades with names like Titian, Platinum or Raven. What was good enough for Barbie ...
* DON'T rule out padding. That's right, darling, the push-up brassiere is back. The style of the moment is the demi-cup underwire, offered by every line from trusty Maidenform to tony Rigby & Peller Corsetieres "By Appointment to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II." Doesn't the mind just reel?
* DO learn to make an arch. The boldly arched brow is a must this season. So tame escapees with judicious tweezing, then shape and define with a matte powder.
* DO rediscover the lost art of eyeliner. Smoky, smoldery effects have their place. But the sharply delineated look of cake and liquid liners is the current rage. And all the more attractive if the line widens slightly toward the outer corner, then tilts up just beyond the edge.
* DO try falsies. Lashes, darling, lashes.
* DON'T rule out the new figure-enhancing foundation garments. With names like hip slips, thigh slimmers and bodyshapers, they don't even sound old-fashioned. And they certainly don't look it. More traditional figure tamers boned waist cinchers, merry widows, control briefs also have new styling and appeal.
* DO acquire at least one pair of real stockings. Not pantyhose. STOCKINGS. Wash them by hand, drape them over the towel rod to dry and draw a bubble bath (see DOs 1 and 2). Imagine you're Virna Lisi.
* DO experiment with lip color. Crawford crimson is a glamour classic. But more provocative still are the alluring new pales.
* DO remember to blot. Apart from preventing smears, those kiss-printed tissues are a glamour girl signature.
* DON'T forget perfume. Marilyn wore Chanel No. 5. Madonna likes Annick Goutal's Folavril.
* DO act as if you're wearing diamonds. Even when they're only cz.