Do the words "holiday entertaining" summon up thoughts of (( carefree fun and relaxation, partying with all your friends and gobbling heaps of fabulous food?

Yes? Well, kid, this story isn't for you. Hand this section over to Mom or Dad, OK? And hang onto your youth as long as you can.

Now then, grown-ups, did your nerves begin to jangle like sleigh bells when you read those fateful words? It needn't be that way. You can once again look at the subject with a kid's starry eyes and unbounded enthusiasm, if you avoid two of the main traps of adult party-giving: doing too much, and doing the same-old same-old.

If the old holiday-party cliches make your eyes glaze over, freshen them up with new themes and new foods. But forget glitz and eschew perfectionism; serving trendy status liquors and making 75 different types of canapes won't enhance your social status, it will make you broke and drive you nuts.

True '90s entertaining respects old traditions but isn't afraid to create new ones. It borrows '80s-style creativity and glamour, but turns its back on that decade's competitive frenzy and overcomplicated eats. Au courant hosts opt for a relaxed balance between the comfortably familiar and the tantalizingly new. They create flexible buffet menus that can expand or contract with the budget and the guest list, and that concentrate on finger foods to minimize plate-juggling and dish-washing. And they aren't afraid to delegate party duties -- not only to family members, but to caterers, gourmet shops, craft shops, and all the other handy local businesses whose job it is to make our holiday tasks easier.

Season-spanning parties that combine tradition with style might include:

THANKSGIVING ITH A TWIST

Family traditions are wonderful, but how many of us really want the kind of Thanksgiving portrayed in the film "Avalon," where the same people sit around the same table year after year, telling the same anecdotes? Thanksgiving is probably our most hidebound holiday, and could use a little shaking up. Unless you have the kind of family who would holler "heresy" at any changes, this might be the year to think up a few new ways to pay tribute to personal blessings and the earth's bounty.

Filling your place with friends and providing a bounteous buffet is one possibility, especially for people who, like so many of us, live in non-traditional households. (Three generations gathered around a turkey is great, but this scenario doesn't suit everybody.) Such a gathering could honor the ethnic and personal traditions of the participants, who would share dishes from their heritages, much as the Pilgrims and their hosts shared their native dishes.

If you have something a bit more classic in mind, by all means keep the turkey and cranberries, but take them out West, and treat them to updated preparations inspired by the nouvelle and spa cuisine of California and the tempting spiciness of the Southwest.

WILLIAMSBURG HOLIDAY TEA

Our Colonial forefathers and foremothers were not, truth to tell, mad for Christmas, due to the Puritan tradition that forbade the feasting and frolicking on the great day. But our tolerant modern age has taken liberties with history, and created a "best parts" version of the Colonial era, complete with such pagan frivolities as rooms decked with holly and mistletoe, and doors laden with wreaths made of glossy boxwood or a profusion of fresh fruit.

A Williamsburg tea is one of the simplest, prettiest parties you can give, because it offers such evocative effects without much money or effort. As soft baroque music plays in the background -- courtesy of a string quartet or tapes -- your guests will nibble a variety of desserts with a period flavor, chock-full of fruits and nuts and fragrant with spices. Drinks include tea, of course, and an 18th century wine- and brandy-fortified spiced punch that Tom Jefferson might have quaffed.

TWELFTH NIGHT

The decline of the traditional "12 days of Christmas" is a sad aspect of the season for people who love parties. In old England, and parts of early America, Twelfth Night was "Old Christmas," celebrated with feasts and games. It still seems to us a fine way to both bid farewell to the season just past, and to bring the holiday cheer into the cold new year. And as hardly anyone gives Twelfth Night parties any more, you won't have to compete for space on your friends' social calendars.

Twelfth Night -- the 6th of January, although you can hold it on the most convenient weekend day after New Year's -- should be festive but laid-back. In old times, "proper" behavior was relaxed under the benevolent reign of a "Lord of Misrule," and people indulged in generally goofy antics. A Twelfth Night party might be a brunch or a cocktail soiree featuring updates on the old-fashioned "good luck" New Year's foods. It should be lighthearted and anything but stuffy. Encourage people to put on their party clothes one last time, but to tie tinsel in their hair and dust their beards with glitter.

The successful holiday party is part inspiration, part chemistry, part hard work and part basic know-how. Below are a few how-to basics to help get the partying under way:

PLANNING A MENU

Menu planning in the '90s is much more rewarding, if considerably trickier, than it was in the days when party fare consisted of the likes of onion-soup dip with Fritos or (for the more sophisticated) Vienna sausages wrapped in crescent roll dough. Novelty and variety are of the essence nowadays, but smart hosts don't want to be slaves to the kitchen, or culinary fashion victims. Consider your theme, and select a balanced menu that both visually and conceptually carries it through.

If your larder is stocked with the basics, and if you know your local markets, pulling supplies together should not be difficult. If you are using any hard-to-find ingredients, scout out their availability well before party time so you won't have to spend precious time searching. Your counter, cook-top and oven space will also determine the timing of the preparations.

Provide a mixture of vegetarian and non-vegetarian dishes, hot and cold foods, sweets and savories (unless you are doing an all-dessert buffet). And make it easy on yourself by not serving a lot of labor-intensive dishes that have to be cooked at the last minute. Include make-ahead dishes that can be frozen or refrigerated; if you select choices that freeze well, you can start work weeks before the party, sparing you last-minute stress. Vary these items with purchased cheeses and pates; salads, fresh fruits, crudites and other no-cook dishes, and perhaps a one-pot dish such as a soup or stew, so friendly and warming in cold weather, and so little bother for the satisfaction it provides.

While party time is not usually the time to think of dieting and nutrition, don't overload the menu with super-caloric delights. If you provide tasty low-cal (and low-fat, low-cholesterol and low-sodium) choices as well, your health-conscious friends will find it easier to be virtuous.

For buffets, experts suggest five different dishes for the first 15 people at your party, five more items for the next 20 guests, and one more item for each additional 10 guests.

And remember, you don't have to make everything yourself. Prepared foods can always be picked up at the gourmet store and transferred to your own bowls and platters. If anyone asks for the recipe, just smile enigmatically.

For a Western-style Thanksgiving, speculate on what might have happened had the English Pilgrims stumbled on the Pacific coast, and were met by a feast catered by Chez Panisse. Or consider a harvest meal shared by westbound settlers, friendly Sioux and Spanish missionaries. Consider, for instance, roasting your turkey in a covered barbecue grill and accompany it with grilled yams, fresh vegetable tarts, guacamole and corn bread spiked with cheese and jalapenos. Consider a dark, chocolate-enriched mole sauce and a lively cranberry coulis instead of a conventional gravy and cranberry sauce. Carrot pudding or pumpkin bread pudding are more interesting than pumpkin pie, but offer the delightfully familiar scents of nutmeg, cinnamon and cloves.

This turkey recipe comes from Sterling Vineyards in Calistoga, Calif.

BARBECUED TURKEY

Build a fire of hardwood, charcoal, mesquite or grapevines. When coals are covered with a gray ash, spread out in fire pan. Place water pan over the coals.

Do not stuff the bird. Truss the turkey with cotton string, keeping legs tied tightly together.

Wash bird and pat dry. Rub cooking oil into the skin to keep it from sticking to the grill. Place turkey on the grill.

If the turkey is small (less than 12 pounds), turn every 1/2 hour to brown evenly. Cooking time will vary depending on turkey size, but expect to cook the bird up to four hours or more. After three hours, insert thermometer into inner thigh. Continue cooking until thermometer registers 175 degrees or juice runs clear between thigh and breast.

A WILLIAMSBURG-STYLE dessert spread should feature tarts, cakes, cookies, a couple of sweet and spicy tea breads, and perhaps a centerpiece cake or even a plum pudding, garnished with holly. Tiered platters can be heaped with sweetmeats (i.e., candies, homemade or store-bought), nuts, and dried and fresh fruits.

The following layer cake is from "The Williamsburg Cookbook," by Letha Booth and the staff of Colonial Williamsburg, published by the Colonial Williamsburg Foundation.

ORANGE WINE CAKE

1/2 cup butter

1/2 cup shortening

1 1/2 cups sugar

4 eggs

1 1/2 cups buttermilk

3 1/2 cups sifted cake flour

2 teaspoons baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

2 teaspoons orange extract

1 tablespoon orange rind, grated

1 cup raisins, finely chopped

1/4 cup flour

1 cup pecans, finely chopped

sherry frosting (see below)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Lightly grease and flour two 9-inch round or three 8-inch round cake pans.

Cream butter, shortening and sugar. Gradually beat in the eggs and buttermilk alternately with the sifted dry ingredients. Add the orange extract and orange rind. Scrape down the bowl occasionally and blend until smooth.

Dredge chopped raisins in 1/4 cup of flour. Add raisins and pecans into the mixture.

Divide batter into prepared pans.

Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes for 9-inch layers and 35 minutes for 8-inch layers, or until cake tests done.

Remove from oven and cool 5 minutes in pans. Turn out on cooling racks and finish cooling.

Frost with sherry frosting.

SHERRY FROSTING

1/4 cup butter

2 1/2 to 3 cups sifted confectioners' sugar

1/4 cup orange juice

1/2 teaspoon orange flavoring

-- salt

1/2 teaspoon orange rind, grated

dry sherry

Cream butter and add remaining ingredients, except sherry. Add enough sherry, approximately 1 tablespoon, to make frosting of spreading consistency. If frosting is too thin, add more sugar, or refrigerate.

CELEBRATE TWELFTH Night with a multicultural buffet featuring assortment of worldly appetizers, as well as traditional "lucky" foods and dishes associated with the day, and with the New Year. Hoppin' John, for instance. This Southern dish of rice and black-eyed peas, eaten for good luck, is a savory side dish, especially when zinged up with hot sauce and Cajun spices.

Oysters and oyster stew, especially favored in France, are deliciously de rigueur, and happily in season. Caviar adds a touch of luxe and luck at this time of year, so this is the perfect season for a caviar pie, a festive spread with layers of chopped egg, onion, sour cream and red caviar (the cheap lumpfish is fine).

Dessert should honor the European custom of the "crowning of the Bean King": A single bean is baked into the cake, and whoever gets the slice with the bean not only gets good fortune all year, but is allowed to preside over the "misrule" of Twelfth Night celebrations. In France, the cake (known as a galette des Rois in honor of the three kings who arrived in Bethlehem on Twelfth Night) is closer to a tart, with puff pastry encasing a fruit filling.

More complex in flavor than a standard stew but just as rich, this oyster soup is from "Feasts" by Leslie Newman, published by Harper Collins. It takes less than 30 minutes to prepare.

OYSTER AND FENNEL SOUP

1 medium fennel bulb, feathery green tops reserved

5 cups chicken stock

1 1/3 cups creme fraiche or heavy cream

2/3 cup milk

4 dozen oysters, liquor reserved

6 tablespoons unsalted butter

pinch of cayenne

salt and freshly ground white pepper

Slice the fennel bulb into strips about 1/8 -inch thick and 1 inch long; measure out 1 1/2 cups. Mince enough of the feathery greens to measure 2 tablespoons; set aside to be used as a garnish.

In a heavy, large saucepan, whisk the chicken stock into the creme fraiche. Stir into the milk and the oyster liquor. Bring to a simmer over moderate heat.

Meanwhile, in another large saucepan, melt the butter. Add the fennel strips and cook over low heat until barely translucent and still quite crunchy, 1 to 2 minutes. Quickly pour into the steaming cream-stock mixture and increase the heat to moderately high.

As soon as the soup comes to a boil, add the oysters. Reduce the heat to moderate and simmer just until their edges curl, 2 to 3 minutes. Stir in the cayenne and season with salt and white pepper to taste. Sprinkle each serving with a bit of the reserved minced fennel greens.

USING A CATERER

Hectic schedules can wreak havoc on the best-intentioned party-giver's plans. Throwing a big holiday bash takes time -- for planning, for cleaning, for hall-decking, and most of all, for cooking. The result? The same old hastily-thrown-together affair, featuring the same old can't-miss dishes your best friends have seen all too many times.

The obvious solution -- hiring a professional caterer -- may seem extravagant. And, if you are considering cost alone, it is. But your big holiday get-together, like your wedding, is a time to delegate some of the authority; like a bride, you will want to spend your time looking great, being charming and enjoying your guests -- not frantically making hors d'oeuvres.

There are plenty of caterers to choose from, from small mom-and-pop firms to mammoth concerns. Both have their advantages; reputable large firms offer consistent quality and absolutely professional results; they also have large full-time staffs that can take more of the party-planning responsibilities off your shoulders. But small firms, with fewer parties to plan for, can often provide more personalized service, and are often a good value as well.

Take the time to shop around: Don't just choose the caterer with the cleverest Yellow Pages ad. Ask friends for recommendations. Interview a variety of caterers, and ask to see their portfolios. Be as descriptive as possible about the party of your dreams -- within reason, anyway. Although caterers are there to fulfill your fantasies, be realistic!

Before you talk to the first caterer, though, sit down and determine the size of the party budget. This will not only cover food and drink, but service, and such things as glassware, flatware, silverware and linens. (You can often save some money by providing these items yourself, but some caterers insist on providing their own.) Service costs can run into more than you might have anticipated. Even a small party might require a bartender, a waiter and someone in the kitchen handling the food preparation; you will pay each of them by the hour, with a probable minimum, plus a tip. (An economical solution might be to hire a neighborhood teen-ager to help out, in lieu of a pro.)

When talking price with a caterer, don't ask, "How much will it cost?" Tell them what you are prepared to spend. If you are quoted a per-person cost, ask what this covers. Don't assume it is all-inclusive. Don't make a commitment until all the "hidden" costs are out on the table, and in writing.

Be hardheaded in determining which candidate is equipped to do the best job for you, but trust "chemistry" too. You are paying the bills, and the party will be a reflection of your tastes, so make sure that you and your caterer are on the same wavelength.

SETTING THE SCENE

For Thanksgiving, everyone wants harvest colors instead of reds and greens. If you are going Western, though, think terra cotta and desert sand instead of pumpkin-orange and autumn-leaf-brown. Find a few yards of fabric that feature the colors and motifs you want, and toss it over an under-cloth the turquoise of a Western sky. Find a cotton remnant in a complementary color and cut it into napkin squares. (You don't have to hem these, just cut them out with pinking shears.) Roll the napkins up, tie with a raffia bow, and tuck in a sprig or two of fresh herbs. For the top of the table, bring out the woven or ceramic cornucopias, but let them spill forth with avocadoes and colorful chilies as well as miniature pumpkins and tiny ears of brightly hued Indian corn.

Simplicity, intimacy and elegance characterize the Williamsburg style. Santas and decorated trees weren't in style yet, so sweep the Christmas kitsch out of sight. Think all-natural -- evergreens, fruits, nuts, seeds, pine cones -- but arrange these items in classical, not woodsy-rustic style. Evergreen garlands can be made or purchased, and pyramids of fresh fruit and topiary nut trees (put together with the help of a glue gun) are easy, impressive craft items. For the table, no cloth is needed, just wax the wood until it glows, and bring out your best china and flatware. (It doesn't matter if the pieces match; your ancestors wouldn't have cared, so you shouldn't, either.) Colors should be rich -- burgundy and pine, rather than standard red and green -- and candles are a must, even in the daytime.

Twelfth Night is all about making the holiday brightness last through all those cold, dark, pre-spring days. So think sparkle. Not necessarily the sparkle of cut-crystal glasses -- although they wouldn't hurt! -- but of glistening trinkets and lots of reflective surfaces. Wrap your table, like a present, in silvery Mylar, or dust it with a handful of shiny, star-shaped confetti. Group masses of tall white candles, or tiny ones in votive cups, on every surface. Spray bare branches white or silver and deck them with mirrored baubles. Intersperse the glitter with jewel-hued (or even bejeweled) ornaments that recall the Middle Ages, when the Twelfth Night party spirit was at its apex.

INVITING INVITATIONS

Start making your list now. You'll want to get your invitations out at least a month before the date of the party. People's social calendars can fill up remarkably fast during the holiday season, xTC so make sure yours is the first red-letter day on your friends' schedules. This is especially important if you are having a catered affair. These days many of us are notoriously tardy about answering invitations swiftly (or at all!) and you'll want to give your guests plenty of time to respond.

This time, forget the phone, the grapevine or the photocopied memo on the office bulletin board; let your guests know at a glance that this will be a memorable occasion, not just another impromptu bash. If you start early, sending invitations won't be a burden. In fact, if you send Christmas cards, you can address party envelopes at the same time.

Give your guests incentive to RSVP by sending beautiful or distinctive invitations that won't get forgotten, or lost under a pile of junk mail and Christmas catalogs. They needn't be formal or engraved, but a touch of imagination will give your guests a taste of what to expect. Emphasize your theme with color, rubber-stamp artistry, clever inclusions (metallic confetti, a tea bag for a tea party?), or period touches in the wording or the presentation. Antique-looking paper sealed with a dollop of wax will set the proper tone for an 18th century soiree, for instance.

CHRISTMAS (BAR) STOCKING

Flowing spirits are not essential for keeping the yuletide spirit flowing, and many holiday hosts these days are cutting costs by serving white wine, punch, mineral water, soft drinks and beer instead of the full range of hard liquors. If you prefer to offer a well-stocked bar, however, a few rules of thumb follow. These estimates are for a party of 50; scale up or down accordingly, and consider your guests' tastes. Only you know if your crowd prefers fine Scotch or domestic beer, or if the champagne will be shunned in favor of Diet Pepsi.

Vodka is the most popular liquor, as well as the most versatile, so count on buying a gallon for a party of 50 people. A quart each of blended, bourbon and Scotch whiskeys, a quart of gin and a fifth of rum will round out your hard-liquor purchases. Martinis seem to be popular again; if your friends indulge, stock up on vermouth.

A quarter keg, or three cases, should satisfy the beer drinkers at the party. If you are buying by the case, try a mix of domestic and imported, and at least one type of "lite" beer. Wine boxes (instead of bottles) with built-in pourers are the easiest way to serve wine if you're concerned about cost and your guests aren't connoisseurs; try a box of Chablis, and one of rose. If the party is really gala, bring on the champagne: estimate one 750 milliliter bottle for each 10 guests.

A wassail bowl, filled with a seasonal drink, adds a festive note. Eggnog is losing favor (lots of calories and potentially hazardous raw eggs are the culprit here), but hot spiced cider is a traditional favorite that has the added plus of making the house smell wonderful.

For mixers, and for the non-drinkers in the crowd, keep an ample supply of juices and soft drinks on hand. Several large bottles of mineral water, a few gallons of orange and cranberry juice, and an assortment of juice and mineral water "sparklers" can be appreciated both straight and spiked. In addition, lay in four six-packs of tonic, a six-pack of soda water, two cases of cola and one case of diet cola (you might make that caffeine-free, too).

When in doubt, buy too much. Better to have leftover alcohol -- which you can serve at your next party -- than to have to leave the festivities in full swing to restock.

Think generously, too, when supplying ice (about 100 pounds) and cups. Assume that each of your guests will consume an average of three drinks during the course of the party, and may use a different glass each time. Buy accordingly. If your party is fancy and the guest list small, good stemware can be rented from catering or party-supply companies. If guests will be numerous, consider good old clear plastic, in a variety of shapes and sizes.

The bar should be convenient to the kitchen, but to avoid logjams it shouldn't be directly next to the food. A couple of tables, which can be rented, make a handy bar. If you have a designated bartender, place one table in front of and one table behind the spot where he will stand. If the bar is self-service, make sure it is accessible from all sides.

On the first table put napkins, sip-sticks, cups, mixers, garnishes (fresh lemons and limes, cherries, olives, etc.) and drink-making accessories such as a cutting board and knife, a shaker, a strainer and an ice bucket with tongs. The alcohol goes on the other table. Toss a suitably seasonal length of fabric over the tables; this will both dress them up and hide the extra supplies underneath.

Small parties usually require no more than a self-service setup, but if you will have more than 50 people on hand, you might want to consider hiring a bartender for the evening. (Look under "bartending services" in the Yellow Pages or ask friends for recommendations.) In addition to his other duties, a capable hired mixologist is trained to keep a practiced eye on the imbibers to make sure that they aren't getting too merry.