Ten Reasons Not to Build the Proposed Severn River Bridge:

10) Maryland Functional Math Test Scores will go down, since many young Annapolitans learn to count while watching the masts roll by.

9) Hey -- fishing should be a spectator sport.

8) The drawbridge provides busy people a chance to catch up on their latest hate letters from Governor Schaefer.

7) Gridlock really is God's way of bringing people closer together.

6) Your business is failing and you're in no big hurry to get to work anyway.

5) Route 50 -- even with construction delays -- will seem oh-so-much quicker to you by comparison.

4) Your marriage is failing and you're in no real hurry to get home anyway.

3) An unsightly bridge might obscure your splendiferous view of that radar dish/doomsday death ray thing that adorns the Severn's west bank.

2) The drawbridge delay gives eastbound travelers a few more minutes to feel secure under Al Hopkin's jurisdiction.

1) The drawbridge provides you with time to reflect on how much you miss Sam Sardinia an his yacht.

Actually, I like bridges. I find them infinitely more interesting than water and trees, if you want to know the truth. But I agree, the proposed new bridge is too large for this body of water. So how's about widening the river first?

Hmmm. Maybe then we could name the new span the Bridge Over DoubledWaters.

Moving right along . . .

* For excitement purposes, jury duty rivals watching a fly crawl up a drape. Sigh. Did you know that the county's Circuit judges are Raymond Thieme, Bruce Williams, James Cawood, H. Chester Goudy, Warren Duckett, Lawrence Rushworth, Eugene Lerner, Martin Wolff and Robert Heller. Just thought I'd tell you. Well, copying this off the court house bulletin board killed two minutes.

* I don't care what the parochialists say, I'd still name the new ballpark Babe Ruth Stadium. I know the Babe didn't play here. Who cares? Maybe we should change the name of the Lincoln Memorial. "Hey, Abe was born in Kentucky and lived in Illinois. Let them build him something."


* Boy, there sure are a lot of people walking through the District Courthouse's Jury Waiting Room looking as though they have somewhere important to go. I sure wish I was one of them.

* Revoke my subscription to Gourmet magazine if you have to,but I think Chick-Fil-A sandwiches are good and I don't care who knows it.

* Boy, write one nasty column about state school czar Joe Schilling and the guy up and quits. Touchy, touchy. Oh well, Maryland's loss is Queen Anne County's something or other.

* I know you'd never be tasteless enough to say so publicly, but haven't you thanked your lucky stars that the Swartzes only adopted two boys?

* Can you hear the first big blow-up in the marriage of the couple that just got hitched in the Baltimore Aquarium fish tank? "I knew I should never have married you. You were like a cold fish then and you're a coldfish now!"

* The Severna Park Mall may not have any stores left, but it's air conditioned. You've gotta give them that.

* And wouldn't it be something if General Dynamics relocated its national headquraters to Anne Arundel County? First, Tower Records and now this! Go get 'em Bobby!

Editor's note: When he's not lurking around court house corridors or auditioning for troll of the Severn River Bridge, Phil Greenfield reviews classical music and theater for the Anne Arundel County Sun.

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