Shopping resolutions:


I've just been shopping. I've just left the dressing room. I've made a few decisions: There are certain things I will never ever wear.

* I will never wear anything that I wore the first time it was in style. Example: minidresses. I was married (the first time) in a minidress. I taught school in minidresses (and a fall!). I went through an entire winter, including standing at the bus stop twice a day, in a mini rabbit coat and thigh-high, black patent-leather boots. I've done minidresses. Ditto anything Pucci-esque, anything baby doll, anything divided into big blocks of color, anything with daisies, anything trapeze-shaped, fishnet stockings, little purses and bell-bottoms.

* I will never wear anything see-through. If see-through seems appropriate to the occasion, I'll save myself a bundle and go naked.

* I will never wear anything military. This may be difficult. Some women are attracted to men in uniforms; I've always been attracted to uniforms. Epaulets have a pull on me. But I will resist them. If this is too hard, I'll enlist in the Army and let the U.S. government supply my wardrobe. Ditto camouflage.

* I will never buy anything that I can't wear with black or taupe shoes. I don't own anything but black or taupe shoes. I'm not actually sure I own taupe shoes, but I probably should. If I bought something thinking I would get shoes to go with it, I would be kidding myself.

* I will never buy a blouse. Some women do very well with blouses. Not me. To me they're a one-shot item. They might as well be made out of paper. (I wore paper dresses.) I wear a blouse once and it disappears either into the hamper (the Bermuda triangle in my house) or the pile of clothes for the cleaners. It goes to the cleaners. It comes back from the cleaners. And then it sits in my closet in that plastic bag and I never wear it again because I don't want to start the whole process all over. I'll stick with sweaters and T-shirts.

* I will never buy anything that needs ironing.

* This brings me to accessories. I will never buy a hat, because if I do, I might be tempted to wear it. I will never buy a scarf. I've never seen an outfit that wouldn't look better without a scarf. I will never buy more than one purse for work. If I think I'm going to stand around in the morning and throw everything from one purse into another purse, I am suffering a serious delusion. I will continue to buy belts. I may buy a girdle.

* I will never buy anything kicky.

* I will never buy anything inspired by Madonna.

* I will only wear workout clothes to work out. Which means I will never wear workout clothes.

* I've decided that I will continue to buy black pants. In my opinion, a person can never have enough pairs of black pants. I like to have them in every weight from the thinnest linen to flannel. I like to have them in widths ranging from skintight to something called palazzo. If you have a palazzo, invite me, I have the pants. I like to have black pants in sizes ranging from in-my-dreams to clown-like. I find it comforting.

* I will continue to buy black sweaters. They look good with the black pants.

If anyone asks me what I'm doing, I'll tell them I'm making a fashion statement.

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