SOONER OR later, adoptive parents must decide when to tell their child he is adopted. The thinking these days is to do it as soon as your child joins the family.

It's not that anyone expects an infant to understand. You are the one who benefits.

"It makes you more comfortable, it reduces anxiety. By the time the actual dialogue with your child begins, you'll be better equipped emotionally to handle it," says Susan Miller-Havens, a Cambridge psychologist and researcher who is director of education for the American Adoption Congress in Washington.