Dear Elizabeth Perkins:
What's the matter, hon?
You come to Bawlamer to film two movie pitchers in a row. We trod to treat you like a star. The noosepaper wrote all these stories about youse. They closed a grocery stewer one night so you could shoot "He Said, She Said." They even cut trees and shot off farworks in the middle of the night so you could make "Avalon."
But what do you do? You go on the "Today" show this week, and you say:
"A lot of actors have the wonderful chance to say, 'Oh, I've made two films in Paris,' or 'I've made two films in Morocco,' or something. I, I've made two films in Baltimore. That's not to say anything negative against Baltimore, I'm just very envious of actors who get to go to wonderful places all the time, and I go to Baltimore twice."
So what's so great about those farn countries? What's wrong with Murca?
And that's not all. You didn't even come to our wurl premiers of your movies at the Senator thee-a-ter. Openings are real nice, Elizabeth. You get your name in the payment, and the gubner and the mare make proclamations. It's kind of implight not to show up.
We also sor you on the Johnny Carson show in October. You told Jay Leno you had to spend "siiiiiiix weeeeeeeeeks" in Bawlamer like that was something turble.
"Kevin Pollack and I, we were really into the crabs, the eating of the crabs. We would go like three times a week," you said. "These huge piles. It's a Baltimore obsession. By the end of the second film, if I never saw crab, crab cakes again, it would have been way too soon. . . . And whatisthat green stuff?"
The best part! And well, anyway, if you'd come in the winner sometime instead of summer, you could have ersters stead.
Axly, we think that's the problem -- you haven't spent enough time in Merlin or you'd like it more. So come orn back soon. Necks time, we'll take you danny ocean.
P.S. By the way, the mare, Kurt L. Schmoke, is not happy with you.
His spokesman, Clint Coleman, said, "The mayor thinks she owes the citizens of Baltimore an apology. He felt that the city and the citizens went out of their way to make it a nice stay for the crew and the cast, and that most of the people involved with the two movies said they had a pleasant time."
Oh, and one other thing, Elizabeth.
"The mayor said, quite frankly, it's not as if very many people know who she is," Mr. Coleman said. "So it's kind of like, who is she, talking about us like that?"