Top 10 lists for Baltimore


With apologies to Late Night with David Letterman -- and th writers who came up with a device we are unable to resist imitating -- we present another Baltimore Top 10:

* Top 10 things Gov. William Donald Schaefer would do if elected president:

1. Call joint session of Congress and explain his Do-It-Now philosophy.

2. Make an honest First Lady out of that Hilda Mae.

3. Call Soviet economy the "s---house of Eastern Europe."

4. Send nasty notes to world leaders. For instance: "Dear Saddam, your action only exceeds the ugliness of your face."

5. Move Camp David to his Ocean City trailer-home park.

6. Rename it Camp Donald.

7. Make deal with Saudis to bring 45 billion cubic yards of sand to Ocean City.

8. Name Bob Pascal Secretary of State, and Hulk Hogan Secretary of Defense.

9. Seek a U.N. resolution against those pesky stump fires.

10. Order a cruise missile strike on the Eastern Shore.


Top 10 items rejected from the radio auction for Center Stage:

1. One season of free lobbying for any cause, no matter how

dubious, by Bruce Bereano.

2. Two complimentary passes to Fish Market and Power Plant.

3. Cal Ripken Sr. and Joe Orsulak look-alike Cabbage Patch dolls.

4. One-hour home video of Ferndale Day Parade.

5. Free registration, Elvis Bust-Making and Painting Workshop.

6. One-year honorary membership, Sons of Pigtown.

7. Empty margarine tubs from Randy Milligan's trash.

8. Lecture on design and utilization of female urinals.

9. Self-defense course by Helen Delich Bentley.

10. Two tickets to Cambridge Muskrat-Skinning Competition.

* Top 10 items we wish we had seen in the radio auction for Center Stage:

1. Home party video by John Waters.

2. Ride in an A-10 Warthog tank-killer.

3. One-on-one visit with Jeffrey Levitt in jail.

4. Polka lessons with Barbara Mikulski.

5. At-home accordion serenade by David Zinman.

6. Investment advice from Alan Hoblitzell.

7. Covered-dish dinner for 12, catered by the ladies at St. Michael's Ukrainian Catholic Church.

8. Twelve cubic yards of manure from Pimlico Race Course.

9. Chess match with Artie Donovan.

10. VIP pass to next Sugar Ray Leonard retirement party.


Top 10 summer vacation ideas in a recessionary climate:

1. Have family bull roast at stump fire in Baltimore County.

2. Rent motel room on Pulaski Highway, eat at Dixie Diner and Big Al's Pit Beef.

3. Get to know Ritchie Highway better.

4. Visit Hunt Valley and watch the rich people chase foxes on horseback.

5. Go look at Cal's house.

6. Instead of Reach The Beach, play Reach Fort Smallwood.

7. Treat kids to free burnt ends at roadside pit-beef stands.

8. Scavenge for charred bits of Three Little Pigs at Enchanted Forest.

9. Let kids run through sprinkler on Governor's Mansion lawn.

10. Camp in Druid Hill Park and watch fumble-fingered holiday picnickers try to assemble barbecue grills on Fourth of July.


Top 10 things Glenn Davis is likely to say in clubhouse interviews:

1. "Just tryin' to help the ballclub."

2. "Geez, these sure look better than Astros uniforms."

3. "Why did they give me Tettleton's locker?"

4. "I love Baltimore, but what's a coddie?"

5. "Why do they keep chanting, 'Ed-dee, Ed-dee?' "

6. "Really feel like I can help this ballclub."

7. "I love Baltimore, but what does 'steamed females, $12 a dozen' mean?"

8. "When do I get to do a commercial for Katz Insurance?"

9. "Why do they call it Cockeysville?"

10. "I'm looking forward to visiting Jon Miller and grilling up some of that good Esskay bologna."

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