With apologies to "Late Night with David Letterman" . . .
Top Ten Reasons Former WFBR Deejay Johnny Walker Keeps A Low Profile:
10. Still owes Harry Shriver 20 bucks.
9. Doesn't want people to know he's really The Greaseman.
8. Entered freak hole in space-time continuum.
7. Voted for Dukakis.
6. Co-authored book with Salman Rushdie.
5. Became Charlie Eckman's personal cab driver.
4. Roadie for Zamfir, master of the pan flute.
3. On a mission from God.
2. Still bothered by painful itch and swelling.
1. Still feels responsible for The Fish Market.
Top Ten Challenges Facing William Donald Schaefer In Next Term:
4 10. Securing new trade pact with Saddam Hussein.
9. Finding a job for Marion Barry after annexation of District of Columbia.
8. Renewing membership in Discount Travel International Club.
7. Twin Peaks.
6. Goose hunting with Bob Pascal.
5. Keeping birds from gubernatorial birdhouse out of gubernatorial fountain.
4. Getting major promoter for "Do It Now" rap song.
3. Getting Hilda Mae to sign non-nuptial agreement before big pension checks kick in.
2. Getting Anne Tyler to ghost-write his memoirs.
1. The One Book.
Top Ten Opening Day Events For New Baseball Stadium, 1992:
10. Combination human wave and structural integrity test.
9. National Anthem by Zamfir, master of the pan flute.
8. Roseann look-alike contest.
7. Gary Hurley balloon over stadium.
6. Visa and Mastercard accepted by concessionaires.
5. First 5,000 fans get an I'm-a-Close-Personal-Friend-of-Barry Levinson T-shirt.
4. Gov. Schaefer and Bird do lambada.
3. Nintendo on DiamondVision during boring parts of game.
2. Giveaway of Jose Canseco voodoo doll.
1. Vice President Quayle throws first ball -- into stands.
Top Ten New Advertising Concepts For Stephen L. Miles:
10. Free HBO and Cinemax if you go to prison.
9. "Reasonable Doubt for A Reasonable Fee."
8. New convenient Drive-Thru Law Center and Car Wash.
7. Offering clients starring roles in next commercial.
6. "Have You Sued Your Kid Today?"
5. New location at Eastpoint Mall (near ear-piercing pagoda).
4. "Come To Us. We Don't Ask Those Pesky 'Guilty or Innocent' Questions."
3. "I Know Lots Of Judges!"
2. Sliding fee scale: "How much you got?"
1. "Thirty Years Or Less, Or The Pizza's Free."
Top Ten New Uses For The Power Plant:
10. Salman Rushdie safe house.
9. World's largest Little Tavern.
8. Ikea Scratch-and-Dent Warehouse.
7. The Agnew Vice Presidential Library.
6. Museum of Failed Industry.
5. Bob's Big Boy.
4. Marine mammal hospital.
3. Next year's location for City Fair.
2. New home for Kuwait government-in-exile.
Top Ten Reasons To Worry:
10. "I've fallen and I can't get up!"
9. Trump success book on best-seller list.
8. Osmonds on tour.
7. John McEnroe seen as underdog.
6. Shell Answer Man consulted on oil crisis.
5. Fall TV lineup.
4. Caller ID.
3. Iran now considered moderate.
2. U.S. troop buildup in Persian Gulf leaves Canadian border unguarded.
1. More people will turn out for emissions testing than for tomorrow's primary.
(Thanks to Mike Wellbrock and Mike Giannini.)