Sometimes the distillation of current events makes them more lucid. Yes, this flimsy rationale indicates that it's time for the Janet's World Current Events Poetry Column, wherein the latest twisted news gets a new twist. Please enjoy this absurd recapping of some ridiculous national and local stories in metered rhyme.

Tiger's Roving Eye

He's always shot well under par;

Birdied near and bogeyed far,

Behaved impeccably on the green

And shied away from the tabloid scene.

But now his crash, far resounding,

Shows us something quite astounding:

An examination of his morals, hon,

Reveals he had a hole in one.

My Afghanistand

If you know one soldier serving

In a volatile wartime station,

You greet the news of extra troops

With hope and trepidation.

With hope and trepidation

You wait for word each day;

I'm certain that our president

Feels exactly the same way.

Baltimore Still Believes

Baltimore's a resilient town;

One flawed mayor can't bring us down.

With a quirky humor and sense of perspective

We'll rise above the media invective -

And I'll bet under the tree and menorah

We'll find humorous gifts galorah!

For Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen

Are delivering gift cards signed "S. Dixon."

The Kicker

I like to get to know a team

And know them all by name;

Urge them on when times are tough

And cheer them on to fame.

I'm no fair-weather Ravens fan -

I stick by them; but coach!

You went and let go Stover

Who was above reproach.

I may not know the business side

And I'm no first-draft picker -

But there's this thing called loyalty

And that, my friend's, the kicker.

Holidazical

Remember

In December

When anybody asks

About the stress

And your progress

On holiday tasks -

Just to smile

Breathe a hile

Don't succumb to fear.

Be a light

It's all right

God is somewhere near.