Good morning! It's April 1. How do you like your eggs? While I get them started, rub your eyes one more time and breathe a sigh of relief. It's April Fools' Day and Donald Trump isn't really running for president. I mean, did you honestly believe that long, drawn-out prank the country has pulled on you over the last 10 months? Really? You thought that today Donald Trump would be the likely Republican candidate for president? Boy, are you naïve! If you fell for that, I have a new bridge on Md. 140 over the North Branch of the Patapsco I'd like to sell you.
Look, it was a joke, OK? I mean, who would really think that a reality TV star, he of the famous "You're fired" mantra and with the megalomaniacal infatuation with slapping his name on everything from buildings to steaks, could be worthy of the highest office in the land? Trump as the "leader of the free world"? You've got to be kidding.
You watched him in the debates, right? Did he ever give a straight answer to a question? Did he show even the slightest mastery of domestic or foreign affairs? Why, he didn't even know what our land-, sea- and air-based systems for delivering nukes are called. You know, the nuclear triad? Who can forget that terrifying look on his face as he rummaged through his mind's filing cabinet of stock answers? He then mumbled something about needing "somebody absolutely that we can trust" and "really knows what he or she is doing." That was an answer that fits almost anyone in office, from a county commissioner to the president of the United States. But then he continued with "… in 2003, 2004, I was totally against going into Iraq because you're going to destabilize the Middle East." Brfpttttt! That's the Bronx cheer that should have signaled his disqualification from the campaign. And don't tell me that was a "gotcha question." It was a slow pitch by talk radio's very conservative Hugh Hewitt, for gosh sakes!
Here's your bacon and eggs. What? You still believe the Trump candidacy was real? Think! Who would Trump ever appeal to? Not Hispanics, after calling Mexicans rapists who bring us crime and drugs. Not women, after making fun of Carly Fiorina's and Heidi Cruz's looks and Megyn Kelly's menstrual cycle. I mean, the man has been married three times and has bragged of his adulteries in interviews and books! Women hate that. And for these same reasons, what fundamentalist Christian would ever vote for him? They must also know that much of his empire is built on booze and casino gambling. What's so Christian about that? Union members? That's a joke! Trump thinks the minimum wage is too high and that auto workers make too much. He also imports guest workers for his Mar-A-Lago resort in Florida and even used undocumented Polish workers to clear the site for his Trump Tower in New York.
Here's more orange juice. What do you mean he has endorsements? Yea, from Vlad "the Impaler" Putin, and that's just a mutual admiration society. Sure Palin, Christie and Carson have jumped on his bandwagon, but that's because they're trying to avoid irrelevance now that their own limelights have dimmed.
Why are you having such a hard time believing that this whole thing has been one, long shaggy dog story? Look, we haven't had violence at a political convention since 1968 and the Vietnam War. Yet, fighting and hostilities seem to plague Trump rallies, mostly because he incites it. He's even offered to pay the legal fees of guys who sucker punch protesters. Do you think Republicans would chance protests and violence at their Cleveland convention? They're not stupid. The riots in '68 at the Democratic convention helped sink Humphrey's candidacy and gave us Nixon. A repeat this year would deliver the election to Clinton or Bernie. Not gonna happen if the GOPers can help it.
Look, everybody was in on the prank. Especially the TV networks who've orchestrated great ratings. CBS President Les Moonves has honestly admitted, "Trump may not be good for America, but it's damn good for CBS."
OK. Do you believe me now? Good. Now get dressed and go to work. You've got nothing to worry about.
Frank Batavick writes from Westminster. His column appears Fridays. Email him at email@example.com.