Helms: Creating a spark critical for empty nesters

Being in my twenties, thinking of myself as a fifty-something is much different than actually being in my fifties. Back then in my bubble, I dreamed I would raise my children, they would grow up to have grandchildren. We would all be close by and happily be a part of each other’s lives.

The reality is my children are spread out over the United States and my husband and I have to do a lot of traveling to see grandchildren. The truth is the occasion is very rare we get all four of our grown children in the same place at the same time. This was not what I envisioned in my later years. But here I am and this is my reality. Now what?

As an empty nester, I find myself asking the exact same question with my time and with my spouse. Now what?

Empty nesting forces me to have a different way of relating to my children and to my spouse. What is required of me is a choice: to stay stuck in the grieving process because my role is changing or realize the power of choice I have in the situation and actively do something about it. The shift from doing all the time for my children to being in a quiet house creates the perfect environment to ask the hard questions. Do I remember who I am? And then I look over at my husband of 35 years and ask, “Who are you?” These can be transformative thoughts that bring about new opportunities. It is all about staying open to the process, creativity and choosing a new way of thinking.

With so much free time, at first I felt intimidated, overwhelmed and guilty. Then I decided to view this chapter of life as an exciting time to experiment, find myself again and reconnect with this person I still call my husband. I came to the conclusion I had a lot of choice in creating the what, and the where when I thought about how to spend our time.

I found a healthy balance in how I viewed time by filling my calendar with activities that brought me joy! The process included thinking deeply about my life before children and asking, what did I used to enjoy doing? Believe it or not, writing was one of those passions for me. Perhaps, the same question is worth asking when I think about my spouse.

So, even when I looked over as an empty nester at my spouse and said in my mind: You are a stranger to me. I don’t know who you are anymore; I chose to feel excited with that thought and create a time of rediscovery. Here are some of the ways we do that together now:

· Court each other.

· Weekly dates.

· Look each other in the eyes.

· Day trips.

· Weekend vacations.

· Put future plans on the calendar to look forward to.

· Doing around-the-house projects together.

· Try new activities, food and places together to discover what we like and don’t like.

One of the most interesting experiments I did with my husband was when I called him up at work and told him for our weekly date, I wanted him to ask me out as if we had never met each other. I must admit the experience was fun, different and not easy. But the point I’m trying to make is empty nesting can be a time to think differently and creatively; not to be so serious about life. Empty nesting doesn’t have to be so scary or devastating. Some of the most memorable moments with my husband, post-kids, have been the unexpected ones. I have found the best strategy to get out of a rut or routine is to be spontaneous!

Putting a spark in our relationship as empty nesters has been intentional on our part. I am so glad we have made the choice in our relationship to go there because those moments produced wonderful memories of me kissing my husband on a Ferris wheel at Virginia Beach at sunset overlooking the ocean, ballroom dancing which required my husband to hold me and look in my eyes again or giggling like a teenager when after a dinner cruise at the inner harbor we didn’t want to drive home and spontaneously decided to spend the night in a hotel before going home the next day. The check-in clerk asked, “Can I carry your luggage?” We looked at each other with wry smiles on our faces like teenagers in love, I looked back and said, “We don’t have any!” The clerk’s facial expression was priceless.

Kat Helms writes from Taneytown. The content of this article is sourced from her YouTube video, “Creating a Spark."