Black Friday is past and along with it the mad jostling in the physical retail outlets and, hopefully, the security footage of you snatching the last My Little Pony from the shelf just before that little girl got to it, reducing her to an apoplectic eruption of tears and mucus, the sure sign of shopping victory.
Today however, is Cyber Monday and while some of you hopefully found the Carroll County Times Black Friday gift roundtable useful in planning your brick and mortar shopping battle plan, today deserves a gift guide all its own. Here are some fun, quirky, ridiculous and occasionally useful gift ideas for the tippler in your life, even if you only see them your mirror.
See Spot. See Spot Swirl and Sniff
"The Essential Scratch and Sniff Guide to Becoming a Wine Expert," $11.99: During the eight years or so in which I have written about wine in order to describe it for others, there have been countless times I wished I could somehow impress the taste and aroma of what was in my glass and mail it, text or somehow get it in front of my readers. This scratch and sniff book for grown-ups doesn't quite fulfill that dream in all its detail, but it's certainly an interesting start. Written by Master Sommelier Richard Betts, the book is an introduction to the basic aroma components of wine that actually allows the reader to smell along as they read ... or not. Some of the Amazon.com reviews seem to indicate that the book has a fairly short shelf life. Still, if this be the wave of the future, sign me up.
Turning Rotgut to Wine
Vinturi Wine and Spirit Aerators, $30-$60: Young wines need to be exposed to air in order to "breathe," a process that helps release aromas and flavors in good wine, and can make a cheaper, bitter wine a bit smoother, if not plush. You could pour a bottle into a decanter for an hour before you pour, but for those who need to get the dinner party started pronto, the Vinturi aerators enable you to introduce air to the wine as you pour through them. They're also far classier than pouring wine into your blender.
The Geeky Option, Acme Klein Bottle Decanter, $90-$95: You could pour wine into a proper decanter in order to let it breathe, but where's the fun in that? A piece of glass that has only one side in the same way a Mobius Strip has only one edge, the Klein Bottle — a 3D immersion of a fourth dimensional object — is the ultimate gift for the geek who loves ideas more than utility. According to the manufacturer, it’s “Guaranteed to frustrate even the most dedicated wine connoisseur: it's difficult to fill, difficult to pour, and difficult to clean.” Yes, but it’s a bottle with zero volume!
Starting the Day Smelling like the End of the Night
Whiskey Cologne (website requires registration): THE gift for anyone who has ever wanted to experience the joy and excitement of proving to the police that they are not actually sloshed six ways from Sunday despite olfactory evidence to the contrary. This Whiskey Cologne will have the local constables swearing in court that you took a bath in a barrel of booze. Pairs near perfectly with Burger King's meat-scented body spray.
Shivering with Holiday Anticipation
The Whisky Advent Calendar, $245: Just like a candy-centered advent calendar, but with Whisky. That's no typo, as we're talking about Scotch Whisky as opposed to all other kinds of "whiskey," and this advent features 24 windows, each of which hide a dram of single malt deliciousness. Granted, December is already here, so you might end up having to catch up by a week or so in one day once your calendar arrives, but this hardly seems like a detracting factor.
Celebratory Swordplay
Champagne Saber, $300: So you've mastered the art of dramatic midnight champagne cork popping on New Years Eve and are looking for a way to take things to the next level? Why not add a large metal blade into the mix? Sabrage is the art of using a sword to open that bottle of bubbly, cork, bottle top and all; the internal pressure in the bottle keeps any little glass shards from shredding your entrails and the blunt blade on the saber keeps you from accidentally severing your guests' carotid arteries, though you could still put an eye out: watch out where you aim that thing.
Training the Senses
Le Nez du Vin 54 Aroma Master Kit, $399: So much of taste depends on our sense of smell. This is a deluxe gift for any wine lover interested in taking their wine appreciation to the next level and demystifying the wine tasting process. The handsomely packaged kit comes with a guide book and 54 vials of wine aromas, from blackcurrant to animal musk, to help the budding sommelier train their nose to oenological olfactory perfection.
Mind-blowing Luxuriousness
2000 Royal Tokaji Essencia Dessert Wine, $500 - $800 per bottle: Now this one is a bit of a cheat as you’re unlikely to actually find a bottle you can purchase no matter what limit you have on your Platinum card, but it’s hard to find another wine-related gift that best embodies absurd luxuriousness — and perhaps absurdity itself — better than the 2000 Royal Tokaji [Toe – kai] Essencia. This is a Hungarian dessert wine, meaning it’s low in alcohol content, just more than two percent, and insanely rich and concentrated of flavor. It comes with a spoon, a functional accoutrement rather than an attempt at a sort of hypnotic suggestion of richness, but resist the urge to add granola. Robert Parker, the former Baltimore based attorney and reigning hegemon of wine ratings, gave it 100 points on a 100 point scale. Think of it as an A++ grade. Should you secure a bottle, you could drink it now, or pay it forward to your descendents in the year 3,000. See below:
"Oh. My. God. Those are the three words you will utter as this ultra-gloopy nectar seems to stick itself to the sides of your glass. Coming in at a - drum-roll please - 2.1% ABV, it has a sensational bouquet that is so pure and visceral with orange liqueur, white flowers, passion fruit, marmalade, quince jus and apricots, then in the background - warm gingerbread! The palate is fat, viscous, thick and syrupy, struck through with razor-sharp acidity that makes this super-rare Essencia the real deal. It will outlast you and I, trust me. Brilliant. 2,050 375mls bottled in September 2007. Drink now-3000. - Tasted October 2009. 100 points."
-Robert Parker
