Dean Minnich: Gamesmanship in the unsuperbowl

You won't read about this in the mainstream press, and Fox won't report it, either, but congressional leaders got together and decided the best way to settle the fiscal cliff issue is to play a sort of Super Bowl football game. Democrats in blue, Republicans in red.

They couldn't agree on a site for the game, with the Republicans holding out for the Midwest and the Democrats insisting on either California or New York. So they tried to form a joint committee to decide, and the Republicans wanted it to consist of Donald Trump, Rush Limbaugh and Wayne LaPierre. The Democrats are still in conference.

LaPierre refused to participate unless all the players were allowed to carry. Limbaugh declined, saying he wanted to referee the game. Trump wanted a share of the ticket sales.

Grover Norquist threatened to primary any Republican who went along with charging entertainment taxes on the ticket sales, and Karl Rove said only corporate box seats should be offered - no names to be disclosed - the rest of the country could read about it later.

President Obama solved the problem by offering the White House lawn as a site. Everybody wanted a piece of the White House lawn, even for an hour or so.

The tea party conservatives wanted the game to be played with no rules. Then, rebuffed, they boycotted the game, saying they don't like government in any form anyway.

Conservatives wanted to use a gold piece for the coin toss to decide who got the ball first, but Democrats had enough votes to enlist Ben Bernanke of the Fed to pick a number out of a hat. The Democrats won that.

Then the Republicans stalled the game. They took the field only when the Democrats said they'd play without them.

Paul Ryan and Eric Cantor each wanted to play quarterback, but John Boehner said that was his job. No matter, everybody ignored him anyway.

Mitch McConnell was allowed to be the coach, so long as he didn't have to make any decisions, just criticize Democrats.

Over on the Democrats' team, Harry Reid was the field coach, but a caucus of women decided that a woman should be quarterback. There was a push to make Barbara Mikulski the field leader, but someone pointed out that Diane Feinstein would be able to see downfield better, even though she had a tendency to throw to the left too often.

Nancy Pelosi was taken out on the first play. She blamed Lindsay Graham, but a replay showed that Joe Biden stepped on her when the ball was snapped. Pelosi sat on the bench for the rest of the game, but she did her part with distracting and uncomplimentary commentary on the skills and tactics of the Republicans.

The game was stopped and the field cleared several times, first by fans wearing tea party signs and top hats in red, white and blue protesting that both teams were failing to represent patriotic real Americans and there should be a playoff system including another team, the libertarians. They said the game was unconstitutional.

Gun rights advocates disrupted the game by shooting up the west wing after a taxi backfired on Pennsylvania Avenue. The leader, clad in cammies and a bullet proof vest, said they were just trying to provide security and thought the communists were attacking. There were no human casualties because they didn't hit anything. Fortunately, one ardent member of their group had been denied the use of the grenade launcher that he had brought with him. He said he would sue because his constitutional rights had been violated by White House security.

After time ran out, there was confusion over who won the game. No one scored, and it seemed that the real objective was to make sure that the other side failed.

Disappointed fans went home knowing only that they didn't get their money's worth, and that since there were no winners, that meant everybody was a loser.

But, hey, we're still a democracy.

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