Among my many contributions to modern life — chocolate pajamas and Non-Virgin Atlantic Airlines — I now offer up the Pro Football Prenup, a legal document that spells out certain behaviors between couples during the upcoming season.
Because from what I understand, quite a bit of conflict can occur.
Me, I'm mostly a gentle soul. I did once throw a toaster — Pop-Tarts and all — through the television during a Bears-Falcons exhibition game. It was, witnesses say, a perfect spiral.
I also once screamed so loud that I got turf toe on my tongue.
Today, in addition to the giant horse tranquilizers I sprinkle on my Coco Pops, I am simply a more evolved person. I hurl things at the television only during the playoffs.
So, who better to guide football-loving couples through the ups and downs of a new NFL season?
Without further delay of game, here is your standard Pro Football Prenup. It's free, and admissible in any sports bar in America.
FYI, my wife and I sign one of these prior to every season, in the presence of a judge and three hairy hominids I presume are her uncles (though one of them might be an aunt).