This prenup really moves chains

Among my many contributions to modern life — chocolate pajamas and Non-Virgin Atlantic Airlines — I now offer up the Pro Football Prenup, a legal document that spells out certain behaviors between couples during the upcoming season.

Because from what I understand, quite a bit of conflict can occur.


Me, I'm mostly a gentle soul. I did once throw a toaster — Pop-Tarts and all — through the television during a Bears-Falcons exhibition game. It was, witnesses say, a perfect spiral.

I also once screamed so loud that I got turf toe on my tongue.

Today, in addition to the giant horse tranquilizers I sprinkle on my Coco Pops, I am simply a more evolved person. I hurl things at the television only during the playoffs.

So, who better to guide football-loving couples through the ups and downs of a new NFL season?

Without further delay of game, here is your standard Pro Football Prenup. It's free, and admissible in any sports bar in America.

FYI, my wife and I sign one of these prior to every season, in the presence of a judge and three hairy hominids I presume are her uncles (though one of them might be an aunt).

Things you absolutely cannot throw


• Bricks

• Beer bottles

• Remote controls

• Wedding gifts

• Wedding rings

• Photos of her mother


• Her Chihuahua

• Handfuls of your own hair

Things you should throw

• Popcorn

• Penalty flags

• Pillows

• Pizza crust

• Snack foods with dopey names (Cheez-It, Nutter Butter)

• Fireworks

• Money

Things men cannot say during a game

• "Hey, waitress, another round here!" to your wife or girlfriend

• Any words beginning with the letter F

• Hurtful things about the people she works with

• Anything that would make bile rise from your upper intestine

• Stuff that would make your mother weep

Things women cannot say during a game

• Wanna help me with the thank-you notes?

• Which one's Derek Jeter?

• I'd really rather watch "The View"

• Hey, does this divorce decree make me look fat?

Turn off the TV when:

• You forget how to read

• You forget how to walk

• The couch starts to produce its own cheese curds

• Your husband starts calling you "Zeke"

• Intimate moments begin with "OK, HUDDLE UP!"

• Someone face-paints the dog

• Little cocktail wienies turn up in your slippers

• Your husband decides to re-enact famous plays from football history — in his boxers

• The kids start referring to Al Michaels as "Dad"

• She hikes you your dinner

If either of you violates more than 10 terms of this agreement:

• See a lawyer

• Sue a lawyer

• Marry a lawyer

• Tap another keg of beer