'Dancing with the Stars: All Stars' recap, Are producers making this up as they go?

Kylie Minogue opens the show with her 1987 remake of "The Locomotion." Can you believe that was 25 years ago? Kylie's face can't. Also, her dress is more a shirt. LEGS ARE NOT PANTS. Kylie does come down from the stage onto the dance floor and do a little shimmying herself, because she seems like one of the most fun people on the planet.

Tom interviews Kylie and says, "Now that song came out 25 years ago, back when you were 7 years old." I love him so much.

Footage from last night: Melissa and Tony were psyched about their first perfect score. Tony is giddy in the post-score interviews. It's great to see him so happy. They've often saddled him with the "women of a certain age."

During Shawn's "samba," they caption someone at the judges' table saying "What?!" As they leave the stage Derek says, "I'm almost to the point where the lower the score Len gives us the better." OK, I'm done with Derek. I don't care how good of a dancer and choreographer he is, that's just being a brat.

So, what are the fates of Melissa & Tony and Shawn & Derek? You can save your smelling salts a while longer, because they're both safe.

Brooke interviews the male stars still in the competition. To sum up: They all like one another, none of them want to go home, and they'll be sad if any of them go home.

And then it's a number featuring the cast of "Newsies." I somehow missed out on the love so many women my age had for this movie, so I can't say it has a nostalgic pull for me. There is a lot of neat dancing involving the slippery properties of paper.

Ne-Yo is singing "Let Me Love You (Until You Learn to Love Yourself)." You go, Ne-Yo — give it up for all the girls with low self-esteem. Woot!

Footage from last night: Kirstie is at least having fun. Kelly and Val did well and Kelly looks freakin' adorable in a hooded sweater during a post-show interview. She's like a cutely sexy elf with a pottymouth.

So, either Kirstie & Maks or Kelly & Val have the lowest combined score and are going to be eliminated. To the shock of absolutely no one, it's Kirstie and Maks. Even they knew that's how it was going down.

The pros are finding all the extra twists of the season challenging and sometimes frustrating. (I save you guys so much time, summarizing these montages.)

Oh, for heaven's sake. Now, they're combining dances and "themes" and the couples are picking for each other. Even Tom acknowledges the producers are just playing with them this season.

• Kelly & Val pick "Caveman Hustle" for Emmitt & Cheryl

• Emmitt & Cheryl pick "Knight Rider" Bangrha for Shawn & Derek (It's an Indian folk dance. Thank goodness someone whispered that in BrookeBot2000's earpiece.

• Apolo & Karina pick "Mad Monk" Merengue for Gilles & Peta

• Gilles & Peta pick "Big Top" Jazz for Apolo & Karina

• Shawn & Derek pick "Espionage" Lindy Hop for Emmitt & Cheryl

• Kelly & Val will dance "Surfer" Flamenco

Y'all, I may have to start a fund for the therapy I'm going to need after this season.

Oooh, ballet. I wish the lighting weren't so atmospherically orange and dim - I'd like to see this better. It's Anna and Val, dancing ballroom and Tiler Peck and Robert Fairchild doing the ballet half. (Shoe watch: Tiler is in toe shoes and the Anna is in ballroom heels.) It's a lovely routine, beautiful and graceful.

Footage from last night: During Apolo & Karina's first routine, Bruno says, "He's bloody good, Len." As Gilles and Peta do their quickstep, Len is shouting encouragement: "Don't you dare mess this up now!" I like when the judges are pulling for the dancers to do well. I still can't get over how low cut the bottom of Peta's dress was last night. I really shouldn't be able to see your whole hipbone.Yeesh. Bruno comes out of his seat when Emmitt slips during his Viennese waltz.

So of those three couples, who's safe and who's going home? I'm getting very nervous for my favorite, Gilles. They first announce that Emmitt & Cheryl are safe. So it's down to Apolo & Karina or Gilles & Peta. Tom points out that these two are not necessarily the bottom two.

Aw, man. It's Gilles going home. I had hoped he might win the whole thing. He thanks Peta, and then immediately also thanks his wife. Smart man.

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