Well, well, well. You saucy kids! Your first option is settling in a dark theater for the sexually dark film adaptation of "Fifty Shades of Grey," opening Feb. 13. Handcuffs and neckties galore! But if you're looking for some live action (so to speak), Twisted Knickers Burlesque's "Love Stinks, the Anti-Valentine's Day Show," promises "a frisky skunk" and "a naughty avocado," among other things. It's from 8 p.m. to 11 p.m. Feb. 7 at the Yellow Sign Theatre, 1726 N. Charles St. $10-$15. lovestinks.brownpapertickets.com. Our sister paper, City Paper, hosts its third annual "Dirty Love" event (6 p.m.-midnight Feb. 13; $5; Gallery 788, 3602 Hickory Ave.; g788.org), if you like a little poetry, art, comedy and music with your burlesque. And who doesn't? Another option: burlesque troupe Tassels & Champagne's "Palazzo Decadente" show at the Creative Alliance (7:30 p.m. and 10 p.m. Feb. 14; $20-$25; 3134 Eastern Ave.; creativealliance.org). It boasts a Roman theme that could possibly make Caligula blush.