Towson University's funniest alum was back on campus Sunday night, riffing on blacking out, the ignominy of being offered a lifetime membership for a dating app ("well, that's discouraging") and not being Bradley Cooper's girlfriend.
Amy Schumer, Towson Class of '03 extended (more on that later), took to the stage at the university's SECU Arena and spent an hour-plus reminiscing (her roommate would play "Easy Like Sunday Morning" when one of Schumer's dates spent the night); marveling at her fame ("It's only going to last a little longer, because every day, I burn bridges"); and wondering how some people come up with the answers they give on "Family Feud" (a member of one family, she said incredulously, when asked for a favorite place to see a movie, replied "Microwave").
"You're going to hear awful jokes for an hour," Schumer said smiling, then proceeded to make a liar of herself.
The audience, naturally, ate it up, some doubtless heartened to hear that a Hollywood celeb like Schumer had a college career much like theirs.
"Towson, what's up?" Schumer shouted as she strode on stage, dressed all in black — shirt, pants and sweater.
"It is such an honor to be here," she said, adding "that's what they told me" after saying how much she'd be paid.
Ah, but the evening was all in good fun — the headline performance for the college’s ongoing 150th anniversary celebration. Towson received a few barbs, mainly about ugly buildings and the fact that the university refused to award Schumer her diploma since she still owed about $200 in fees. (She got it a few years back, she said, while performing at the Modell Lyric).
"You guys booked me," she said at one point, noting there were other famous alums the school could have invited back instead. "I told you to book Charles Dutton, but you booked me."
Schumer enjoyed being in front of a hometown crowd (she was born in New York, but clearly still has a lot of friends in Towson). And while the audience loved the local flavor Schumer provided, she touched on plenty of the subjects that have made her one of the country's hottest comedians.
Addressing anyone who wandered into the evening not knowing who she was, Schumer introduced herself as "a very famous plus-size model." That remark brought a serious burst of applause, as many in the audience undoubtedly were aware of her recent remarks after being included in Glamour magazine's plus-size issue without being notified.
"It's not cool to call anyone a plus size," she said in one of many funny, but pointed, moments. "Why are we doing that?"
And on the evening went. She spoke of sitting next to Hillary Clinton at a birthday party for the former secretary of state and asking her if she liked tequila ("I only drink it when my friends make me," Clinton said). In a moment of seriousness, she spoke of how it "completely broke my heart" when a gunman shot and killed two women who were watching her movie, "Trainwreck," and how it has moved her to speak out on how easy it is to obtain a gun. And she speculated on what mothers-in-law are really thinking when they look at the women their sons are dating (sorry, but like much of what was said onstage Sunday night, that one can't be quoted in a family newspaper).
And when it was all over, she left Towson triumphant — and without having to pay any more graduation fees.
"I had a great time here at Towson," she said as the evening drew to a close. "It's a great school."
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