With a film career reeking of a grease trap and hairspray, iconic troublemaker John Waters would make the top of any holiday party list.
This time around, however, the hellion is inviting everyone to his own Christmas shindig for “A John Waters Christmas,” a one-night show at Thalia Hall. We called up the Prince of Puke with a holiday pop quiz to set the joyful and triumphant mood.
Chicago Tribune: What’s the worst Christmas present you’ve ever received?
John Waters: The soundtrack to “Rocky.” But, we used to purposefully give each other presents that we would hate the most. I lived in a high-rise at the time and opened a window and threw it out which was probably irresponsible of me since I lived on the seventh floor.
Q: True or False: “Die Hard” is a Christmas movie.
A: True. I don’t remember why, but some people say that “Female Trouble” is a Christmas movie, even though there’s only one scene at Christmas where she knocks the Christmas tree over on her mother. The whole movie doesn’t have to be about Christmas for it to end up being a Christmas movie.
Q: My parents are Trump supporters. What should I get them for Christmas?
A: Well, when you go home, what you should all take is whistles. You pass out whistles to everyone there, and anytime anyone talks about politics, you blow the whistle. Eventually, you will have a more peaceful Christmas.
Q: What’s the filthiest Christmas song?
A: Oh, I have lots of versions in my show that you won’t be able to print in the Chicago Tribune. My version of Christmas carols...I am trying to think of one that you’d be able to print — “Do You Hear What I Queer?”
Q: Did you believe in Santa growing up?
A: Kind of, but I was always confused. I thought, “Is that part of the Holy Trinity of the Devil, Santa Claus and Jesus?” I was the confused by the myth.
Q: My boss wants to know what’s under your tree this year.
A: We don’t have a tree — we decorate the electric chair from “Female Trouble.” We do it every year, and once it’s decorated, it doesn’t even look like an electric chair. It transforms into my version of tradition.
Q: Who’s on your naughty list?
A: Well, the naughty list should be good. I think the children should make up a “Santa’s Enemies” list or punish adults that have been bad this year. That’s what children oughta do this year.
Q: Who would you want to see on it?
A: Oh, Trump would be number one. We’re looking for a collusion Christmas.
Q: What’s your favorite Christmas movie?
A: “Christmas Evil.” I wish I had a different answer, because I’ve been saying that for 50 years. It is the best movie about someone that’s psycho and is convinced that they’re Santa Claus himself.
Q: What would you do if you were turned away at the inn?
A: You know, I’d pray to Satan and sacrifice a goat. Or, I would rescue the animals that were in that living creche, because they’re forcing Christianity on donkeys. Animals can’t pray.
Q: You’re a shepherd hanging out in the desert. An angel suddenly appears. What do you do?
A: Call the police.
Q: What should I do if I don’t get the cha-cha heels I asked for?
A: Well, first of all, you should know what cha-cha heels are. Even drag queens get it wrong. Cha-cha heels are not spiked heels. They’re short, squat heels.
If you ask for a pair and your parents don’t get them, what should you do? Well, knocking the Christmas tree over can be joyous. I have heard many tales on my Christmas tour — people will tell me that it’s usually liquor or the dog that does it.
My suggestion to everyone is rig the tree yourself, so right when you open your final present, the tree falls over and the family screams and embraces.
“A John Waters Christmas” plays Nov. 28 at Thalia Hall, 1807 S. Allport St; Doors at 8 p.m.; $35-55; www.eventbrite.com