In some families, Thanksgiving tradition is turkey and stuffing served on heirloom china. In others, it's going to the Macy's parade or visiting grandma. In Jill Smokler's family, it's a game of telephone.
Started by the kids at the Thanksgiving table several years ago, the pass-the-secret game has become a beloved annual event. The ensuing laughter and hilarity is something they look forward to, says Smokler, a Baltimore-based author and founder of the popular website Scary Mommy.
Tradition comes in many forms, from serious religious observances to silly customs such as turkey wishbone tug-of-war.
“It’s about ritual,” says Jessica Smith, a teaching artist who often leads programs at the Reginald F. Lewis Museum of Maryland African American History and Culture in Baltimore. “It can be a milestone or a certain day that you say, ‘This is the day, in our family, we do x, y, z.’ ”
Whether it’s hiding the Elf on the Shelf or frying up a batch of your grandmother’s latkes, there are many different approaches to creating family traditions. Experts say it’s possible to tailor the traditions you’ve inherited to make them fit your children and circumstances. For example, some families observe more than one holiday. Many families find a mix of new — say tracking Santa’s flight by computer — and old — perhaps placing an heirloom ornament on the tree — is meaningful. And while Thanksgiving, Christmas and Hanukkah inspire the most family customs, there are also ways to create traditions year-round.
“It takes planning,” Smith says. “But it can be simple.”
No need to be fancy
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In Smith’s family, for example, there’s even a tradition for good marks in school.
Her mother made up a song when Smith made the honor roll in first grade. She continued to sing it as Smith grew up, even through college, and now she and her mom have started singing it to Smith’s 10-year-old cousins. One day, she says, she’ll sing it to her children.
And at Thanksgiving each year, Smith’s family reads the President’s Proclamation of Thanksgiving aloud.
Another tradition could be as simple as driving around the neighborhood to look at holiday lights and stopping for hot chocolate or volunteering for a local charity.
Sara Reimers, a Hanover mother who recently started a blog called Sunshinewhispers, makes an occasion out of decorating the tree.
“We put music on. We don’t rush it,” says Reimers, who has a 2-year-old daughter. “Then we sit back and sip hot chocolate and oohh and aahh.”
Start fresh
Danielle Pientka, a Jessup mother of two, wanted to create a daily tradition in the days leading up to Christmas.
She considered Elf on the Shelf or an Advent calendar. But when she read about a daily manger activity, she knew she’d found a perfect new tradition for her family.
Each day, the family members add a piece of straw to the manger as they recall a good deed they’ve done that day.
The focus is important. And, says Pientka, a therapist, “I love it because it’s driven by the children.”
Make something
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Caroline Gravino, an Elkridge mother of four, always makes New Year’s party hats with her kids.
“Christmas is so busy — it’s such a zoo for all of us,” says Gravino, founder of website Salsa Pie and producer of PBS Crafts for Kids.
But, she says, in the lull between Christmas and New Year’s, there’s a little more time for a craft project. It works because it can be elaborate or easy, depending on the children’s ages and interest. It has the added benefit of not requiring multiple trips to the craft store, she says, laughing.
The process of making the hats and then wearing them on New Year’s Eve for their family dance party, complete with favorite snacks, is something they all look forward to.
Now in their fifth year of making them, Gravino says, “The kids always ask, ‘Are we making the hats?’”
Have an event with friends
Not all traditions have to be family-only affairs.
Reimers likes to get together with friends each year for a “Polar Express” dinner party. The kids wear their pjs. The families have a potluck meal, then watch the movie while they sip hot chocolate with peppermint sticks.
“It’s a special time with friends,” says Reimers.
Other friends get together for cookie swaps, cookie decorating and neighborhood caroling. And many families enjoy going on annual outings together, whether it’s walking on Hampden’s 34th Street or getting carryout with Jewish friends on Christmas Day.
Let the kids lead the way
It’s also OK to acknowledge that some traditions won’t stick — or shouldn’t.
Growing up, the Fourth of July was always a big deal for Smokler’s family and the celebration often stretched out over multiple days.
Her three children, however, have never been enamored with the festivities. “They really don’t care about the fireworks,” says Smokler.
It was an “epiphany,” she says, when she realized she should stop trying to recreate those memories from her childhood.
“As long as I give them other memories, it’s OK,” says Smokler.
There’s something to be said for spontaneity and letting the kids help determine what becomes tradition, she says.
Renegotiate
If there’s more whining (from you or the kids) about your holiday schedule or activities, it may be time to rethink them. Maybe it was fine when you had an infant to eat two Thanksgiving dinners. But with napping toddlers or sulky preteens, you may not be as flexible as you once were.
That could require some honest (and potentially uncomfortable) conversations about expectations with relatives.
While some couples negotiate holidays and religious traditions before marriage, Sharon Seigel, director of parenting outreach & Engagement and The Mothers Circle Coordinator for the Jewish Community Center of Greater Baltimore, says, “It’s easy to say, ‘We’ll worry about that when we have kids.’ ”
That’s one reason that the JCC created The Mothers Circle, to help non-Jewish parents raising Jewish children learn about holidays and rituals, life event celebrations and more.
“It’s not like they have their own memories as children to recall,” Seigel says.
But even if the holidays aren’t perfect, just spending time as a family is an important legacy.
“You want children to have memories to pass down,” says Smith. “Even if they change it, they have a place to start.”