'ANTM' All-Stars Episode 5: Hold on tight, kids

What's better than one Kardashian sister? Three of them. And what's better than one screwed-up famous family? Two!

Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian made let the girls model their new clothing line — on a carousel, no less — and La Toya Jackson made sure everyone knew who her brother was and that he was about "love and expression" when they did a photo shoot embodying Michael through the ages.

There was an abundance of awkward moments, giant egos and a huge "Top Model" shocker at the end. Intrigued? Here's what happened:


Bianca against everybody ever
In case you hadn't heard, Bianca is the best model in the history of the world and deserves to win more than all the girls. At least, this is what she keeps telling herself so she can sleep at night. She also deserves to use the only phone in the house before other people and isn't afraid to let Shannon know this.

They start arguing and Lisa decides this is the opportune time to jump in and tell everyone what she thinks. As Bianca so eloquently put it, she thinks she's the "sherriff of 'Top Model' town." If only such a place existed ...

'Round and 'round they go
At the Santa Monica Pier in LA, the girls are surprised by the most leopard-print-wearing sisters of them all, the Kardashians! They will be modeling the Kardashian Kollection for Ksears (the "K" is silent") on a carousel, responsible for hoping on and off a moving object. Watching models fall is so funny.

Everyone does decently in their fur vests and reflective pants. Lisa, who loves her some shiny slacks, does her crazy thing for the crazy challenge and Khloe digs her confidence. Bre has the bright idea to do a little spin as she hops off the carousel to mask a possible stumble. Bianca looks as if she's had some practice twirling on a pole in tight clothing. No one actually falls (damn!). And because there's more than one Kardashian (oh, right! I totally forgot), they choose Lisa and Bre as the winners and get a head-to-toe outfit from the Kollection.

"None of these girls works as hard as I do"
After the challenge Ms. J tells Bianca what we already knew: She's acting as though she doesn't care and doesn't want to be there. Insert blaming everyone else for her problems here and declaring that she's "about to flipping punch somebody."

Back at the house, Bre acts like a mama lion protecting her whiny cub from the rest of the pack when the other girls say Bianca should just go home if she doesn't want to be there. Good thought.

Off the wall
The models head to a soundstage for their photo shoot, where they're surprised by second-favorite Jackson sister, La Toya. I guess Janet had better things to do? She says the girls will be styled like Michael from different time periods — curly wigs, face paint, glittery jackets and all. 

Alexandria does well in a red, bedazzled military jacket and signature rhinestone glove. Angelea thrusts ... a lot because of Mr. Jay's encouragement. I'm not sure how to take that. Laura also does some thrusting-into-the-air dance moves, but it doesn't look as awkward as Angelea made it seem. Allison is the lone Jackson 5-era Michael, and is almost unrecognizable in a big ol' fro and face paint. Her inate adorableness translates well into little boy who is worked too hard.

A B C-ya later
La Toya is back as this week's guest judge, which is a breath of fresh air considering she never really has anything bad to say about anybody.

Shannon and Kayla's pictures turn out surprisingly well, considering their shoot wasn't uber exciting. I wouldn't be able to tell Angelea was trying to be Michael if it weren't for the wind machine and Jheri curl.

Bianca looks as if she's just standing there and, yes, like she doesn't really care. I like Bre's photo more than the judges did, considering her profile is great and she's actually standing on her tippy-toes. That stuff hurts. Lisa, of course, does a crazy split in the air, like always. The girl can't help herself.

In a "Top Model" first, Tyra says the guest judge gets to pick the order of the photos from best to worst and will determine who is called first and in the bottom two.

Laura is called first, which is surprising considering her photo was good but nothing to call home about. Shannon is second. Bianca is third from last (another travesty!) and Lisa and Angelea fall in the bottom two. Tyra asks La Toya to say who's going home, and after some spiel about how her brother was all about love and expression and yada yada yada she SURPRISE! says that no one is going home this week. Oh, La Toya. Your heart is too big.

All the remaining girls are safe for one more week.

It would be unfair to notdevote a few sentences to Ms. J's fantastic tassel-like side ponytail. If anyone could bring that style back, it's her. Or Candace Cameron. You go, DJ Tanner!   

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