'The Bachelorette' recap: Norwegian snakes

For The Baltimore Sun

This week’s episode of “The Bachelorette” episode brings us back to South Carolina, because where better to showcase racism than in the South.

Kenny, the wrestler with a confusing wrestling name, wants to talk with Lee, the singer-songwriter who sang Rachel a song on the first night, about how racist Lee is, so Lee grabs another drink — that he definitely doesn’t need.

As they argue, Rachel and Bryan, who is way too old to be on this show, make out on a sailboat. Bryan still likes to kiss with his entire tongue, in case you were wondering.

Kenny calls Lee a snake about 48 times and Lee reiterates over and over that he thinks Kenny is aggressive.

When Rachel returns to the group, she offers Bryan the group date rose and he accepts. Kenny gives a speech about how Bryan deserved the rose because is a “classy dude that hasn’t snaked other dudes to get where he’s at,” which is a clear dig at Lee. After hearing that, Lee says, “[Expletive] you” to Kenny, and I don’t know if his threats or his hair is worse to witness.

Kenny then goes on a tangent about how Lee is a “bitch” but he does it whispering so that Lee can’t call him “aggressive,” and this is the preview to the two-on-one date that we’ve all been waiting for.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE

We didn’t get to see the date card, but it appears that Jack Stone, who looks like a cartoon character and has a cartoon character name, and Rachel have a one-on-one in Bluffton, S.C.

They ride a horse to a “shuckin’ and shaggin’” event, in case you forgot we were in the South. After they shucked and shagged (danced), Jack Stone tries his best to hit on Rachel, who is clearly uninterested and wants to get the shuck out of there. He fails miserably, and I wish his cartoon alter ego were there to save him.

Back at the resort, Will, the “Steve Urquelle” of the season, explains to Lee that the term “aggressive” toward a black man can be offensive for reasons Lee may not understand. Will tries to explain what “race card” means to Lee, and Lee wishes he had his cellphone so he could tweet something misogynistic.

During the dinner portion of the one-on-one date, Jack Stone offers some of the same idiosyncrasies that Nick Viall showed during his time on Andi’s season — like before he became hot and confident — and it is creeping me out.

Jack Stone says weird things like that he wants to lock Rachel in a bedroom. She is not feeling it so she doesn’t offer him the rose, and he goes back to wherever superheroes are from.

After that horribly uncomfortable interaction, Rachel decides that she doesn’t want a cocktail party and we go straight to the rose ceremony. To be honest, I wouldn’t want to spend any more time with these men either, so I’m into it.

ROSE CEREMONY

Rachel wears a dress that shows off her entire left leg, thigh and hip, and I bet by the time this recap is posted someone will have created a Twitter account for it.

Once Rachel says goodbye to those eliminated, she lets the remaining men know that they’re going to Oslo, Norway — the home of blonde hair and blue eyes, because this episode is about racism.

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE

When they arrive in Norway, the men are in a bar and Rachel greets them to say she’s not here to waste any time and would like Bryan, who is way too old to be on this show, to join her on a one-on-one date. He agrees and when he leaves, the other contestants wonder whether he’ll return. I get the curiosity, because he could probably choke her with how far he sticks his tongue down her throat.

Rachel takes Bryan to an Olympic ski jump in Oslo and tells him they’re going to repel all the way down.

Bryan makes a lot of heavy petting noises as they repel and I am almost as repelled by that as I am by his tongue.

After they’ve made their way to the Oslo soil, Bryan and Rachel head to dinner, where Bryan tells Rachel he is falling in love with her. She says, “OK,” and we’re sadly made privy to his gargantuan tongue yet again.

She offers him the rose and he accepts. They make out some more and honestly, I’m just wishing someone were at my apartment with me to see how great my hair looks tonight.

Back at the resort, the date card arrives and Dean, the guy who said, “Once I go black I’ll never go back” at “After the Final Rose,” reads, “I’m looking for a guy who is good with his hands. Signed, Rachel. Anthony, Dean, Peter, Matt, Will, Alex, Eric, Josiah.”

Which means that Lee and Kenny have the dreaded two-on-one date.

GROUP DATE

We learn that “good with your hands” means they will be playing a “popular European sport” called hand ball, which turns out is not what I want it to be. This “sport” isn’t exactly what I would consider “good with your hands” to mean, but I am also not looking for love on national television. Just from the seat of my couch in Santa Monica.

“Coach Tom” is there to teach the group how to play and after the men put on unitards that don’t do justice for anyone, they compete. It’s hard to pay attention to what this game actually is, because in these unitards, we learn which contestants have the worst tattoos.

Back at the resort, Kenny FaceTimes his daughter who he claims is 17 but is definitely at least 30, while Lee lifts weights wearing jeans and cowboy boots. As someone who works out frequently, I’m pretty sure this outfit would cause a horrible rash.

The next date card arrives and Bryan reads, “Kenny and Lee, your fate is up in the air. Signed, Rachel,” followed by a second card stating, “Two men, one rose, one stays one goes. Chris Harrison.” I wish I didn’t know that this has been used for at least 30 seasons of the franchise, but I do. Come on, “Bachelorette” interns.

On the nighttime portion of the group date, Peter, who is definitely the Shawn Booth of this season, and Rachel take it to the hot tub and she straddles him while they make out. Let me just reiterate now that he is the Shawn Booth of this season, if you know what I mean. And by if you know what I mean, I mean that Peter definitely “wins” Rachel’s heart this season.

Rachel picks up the group date rose and offers it to Will, who accepts. This means that Rachel’s type is athletic, so Peter better start lifting weights or something. Just not in jeans and cowboy boots.

TWO-ON-ONE DATE

With only 20 minutes left in the episode, I’m positive we’re getting another “To be continued,” but regardless, Rachel picks Lee and Kenny up in a helicopter and takes them to have a drink in the middle of the Norwegian woods.

Rachel takes Kenny aside first for a private conversation and he says the word, “snake” for the 908th time tonight when talking about Lee. Rachel shivers through this horrible conversation before taking Lee aside next.

Lee uses his one-on-one time to narc on Kenny. He shares that Kenny has called him a snake and a bitch several times and gets “aggressive” while drinking. It’s hard to really listen to what he’s saying because his hair looks like a wave pool at the theme park you are forced to go to right before you graduate high school.

After that conversation, Rachel asks to speak to Kenny one more time and shares the feedback Lee provided five seconds ago. Kenny is not happy with this and tries to redeem himself before calling Lee a “southern piece of shortstack garbage.” When his conversation with Rachel is over, he approaches Lee, laughing out loud at an unnecessary volume.

Naturally, we get a “To Be Continued,” and hopefully this will all come to a conclusion Tuesday night. Because, ABC is making us watch this again on Tuesday night.

ELIMINATED

Jonathan, the tickle monster

Iggy, a consulting firm CEO, which means he’s a freelancer who works for himself

HOMETOWN DATE PREDICTIONS

Peter, who is definitely the Shawn Booth of this season.

Bryan, who is way too old to be on this show, because he got the first impression rose.

Josiah, because he was in the teaser reel and has a sad story, so he’ll be around a while.

X Bryce, my soulmate, just because I want him on my TV for the next three months.

LINE OF THE NIGHT

“I gotta get out there and find a girl that appreciates a good tickler” – Jonathan.

Let me know what you think about tonight on Twitter @abbydraper. See you again Wednesday morning to recap episode 2 of this week.

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