'The Bachelorette' premiere recap: Rachel meets her men

For The Baltimore Sun

The premiere episode of this season of “The Bachelorette” begins at Rachel’s photo shoot, and as is typical with new leads in this franchise, her teeth are whiter, her hair is shinier, and her eyelashes are longer than they were during her last season.

Chris Harrison really wants us to know that Rachel is beloved by all, since the last lead was not beloved by anyone, so I guess that will be her thing. He claims that she left Nick’s season broken-hearted, which is not true — she left Nick’s season already knowing she was going to be the next Bachelorette. I see you, Harrison.

THE CONTESTANT TEASERS

As always, we are given teasers into some of this season’s contestants before we meet them one-by-one. Tonight, we are privy to:

Kenny, a pro wrestler whose wrestling name is “Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King,” which is kind of confusing because “pretty boy” and “pitbull” are basically opposite things. Kenny has a daughter who he claims is 10 years old but I’m pretty sure she’s 17 by the looks of her.

Jack Stone, who looks like a cartoon character and has a cartoon character name, said a few things that I don’t remember because I was distracted at how much teeth whitener he was able to apply.

Alex, the guy who claimed The Rock is his favorite artist in his bio, shares that he likes to code. Which is a good thing since that’s his job. But also probably a lie because he’s “coding” on a Gateway desktop computer that probably still requires dial-up.

Mohit, a San Franciscan who works for a startup because he lives in San Francisco and that’s what you do when you live in San Francisco, is also a trained Bollywood dancer because this season is all about diversity.

Lucas is a 30-year-old man whose occupation is “Wahboom,” which I guess means he just yells and stomps his feet while making strange faces. How do I get a job like that?

Blake E. filmed his intro while working out at Muscle Beach in Venice, Calif., which means I’m going to hate him. He claims that his libido is “above average” because he works out a lot, which is a horrible excuse he probably uses with women in their 20s for being horny all of the time. He goes on to talk about how giant his penis is, which means exactly the opposite. Basically he’s my nightmare.

Diggy, who calls himself Diggy because someone once said they liked his digs. That would be like me calling myself Ringy because someone complimented my ring. Diggy owns 575 pairs of sneakers, and I would like to know 575 different places someone would have to wear a different pair of running shoes.

Josiah has the first sad story of the night. Since he was in the teaser reel and has a sad story, he’ll be around a while.

FORMER BACHELOR CONTESTANTS ADVICE

As has become typical, former “Bachelor” franchise contestants are there to offer love advice, because who better to offer advice on successful relationships than women who were sent home from a national television show by a guy who had to try three times on said show to find a girlfriend?

This season it’s Raven, and her terrible Southern accent; Corrine, last season’s villain; Jasmine, who was sent home after asking Nick if she could choke him; Alexis, who doesn’t know the difference between a dolphin and a shark; Whitney, who did absolutely nothing memorable during her season; Kristina, who looks completely different than she did three months ago; and someone who I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen before. So essentially the upcoming season of “Bachelor in Paradise.”

Their advice was mainly quotes they stole from Instagram, and Raven cries when Rachel quotes Raven to her.

MEET THE MEN OF THIS SEASON

Chris Harrison is back, and he must be using Nick Viall’s new skincare line because he doesn’t look a day older than he did when Trista found love. JK, Chris Harrison hates Nick and no one is going to pay for that.

The limos approach and all of the men are nervous to meet Rachel. But excited at their shot on TV — I mean, finding love.

Peter, who I said will be the Shawn Booth of this season in the preview, is definitely the Shawn Booth of this season. Like, he insulted Nick Viall within the first 30 seconds of meeting Rachel. He’s my favorite.

Josiah, the attorney who was arrested when he was 12, said, “At the end of our experience together you will have no reasonable doubt” and, “See you later, litigator.” Not sure which pun is more obnoxious, but I hope those are the only two he rehearsed because they need to stop.

Bryan, who is way too old to be on this show, speaks in Spanish, which is dumb because Rachel speaks English.

Kenny, the wrestler with a confusing wrestling name, makes Rachel try a dance move with him, and she goes with it before calling him “Kenny with the dance moves,” which is sadly much better than his wrestling name.

Rob, who is 30 and still in college, looks like he has been hungover all day and finally mustered the energy to get off of the couch for a Gatorade, which is quite possible since he’s still in college.

Iggy, a consulting firm CEO, which means he’s a freelancer who works for himself, is super nervous and I’m guessing its because he has to admit to her that his name is Iggy.

Bryce, my soulmate, is wearing his firefighter uniform and picks her up while I just sit here and swoon.

Will gets out of the limo wearing suspenders and his pants rolled up before impersonating Steve Urkel. After slipping on the driveway and asking, “Did I do that?” he gets back in the limo and re-exits as Stefan Urquelle. In case you’re too young to get it, that is a joke from the ’90’s TV show “Family Matters.”

Diggy, the guy who calls himself Diggy because someone once complimented him on his digs, said he was going to teach her how to diggy and, sadly, I laugh out loud at this.

Kyle tells Rachel that he wants to show her his buns and then reveals a picnic basket with bread in it. His job title is marketing consultant and after that joke, I believe it.

Blake K. wants to offer “words of encouragement,” so he shares that his grandparents only dated a few months and have been married for a lot of years. It would have been more encouraging if he sang the ABC’s, TBH.

Brady, a male model who looks exactly like a Ken doll, plastic face and all, carries a sledge hammer and a block of ice and breaks it in front of her before saying, “I just wanted to break the ice.” So he’s as smart as a Ken doll, too.

Dean, the guy who said, “Once I go black I’ll never go back” at “After the Final Rose,” realizes that was the dumbest thing he’s ever said and asks her what her thoughts are about it. She claims she likes his confidence which is a nice way of saying, “It was as terrible as you think it was.”

Eric, a personal trainer who definitely chugs protein shakes while yelling “Lower!” when making you do lunges, tells Rachel that dancing is “his jam”. I think I’m getting too old to watch this show because I don’t even know what that means.

DeMario, who used way too many exclamation points in his bio, was the one who bought tickets to Vegas so he and Rachel could elope when he met her at “ATFR.” He reminds her, and the rest of the house, that he did that.

Blake E., the guy who claims he has a large penis, proves again that he actually doesn’t by bringing a marching band with him to meet Rachel.

Fred, an executive assistant who acts exactly like an executive assistant, brought his yearbook to show Rachel his third grade photo. He then opens to a different page where her photo is. Except it’s her eighth grade photo. We later find out that she was his camp counselor and he was a “very bad boy” (her words) — this is like a bad porn.

Jonathan, a man listed on the internet for all the world to see as a “tickle monster,” asks her, “I heard you were looking for a man who can make you laugh, so I wondered if you can do something for me?” He has her hold her hands out in front of her and close her eyes before going in to tickle her. You know, because he’s a tickle monster. I would have sent him home immediately, but I guess that’s just me because he was let into the mansion.

Lee, this season’s singer-songwriter, gets out of the limo with a guitar and sings a song to her. Because he’s a singer-songwriter, get it?

Alex, the guy who claimed The Rock is his favorite artist, approaches her with a vacuum cleaner and I hope he makes a joke about something sucking, but instead he says he’s with the cleaning crew. That joke sucks. (I had to.)

Milton, whose job title is absolutely made up, takes a selfie with her on a Polaroid camera, which is something I’ve actually tried to do and it’s not as easy as they make it look. But then he purrs at her and I cringe. Is there a person in the world who would find that attractive? Real question.

Adam, an adult man, has brought a small doll that looks like him to the mansion. Worse, the doll is dressed like him and named Adam Jr. Why do you guys think Adam is still single?

Matt, a man dressed in a penguin costume, approaches her and, you guessed it, tells her penguins mate for life. Matt cannot walk in or see out of his penguin attire, so it’s doubtful there will be any mating for him.

An ambulance arrives next and Grant, this season’s “boring Ben,” steps out in a hot-pink tie and that’s the most exciting thing about him.

Anthony, a man wearing diamond studs in his ears in 2017, says nothing worth repeating and I don’t see that changing.

Jamey, a guy who definitely spells his name “Jamey” to differentiate himself from all of the other aspiring actors in Los Angeles, has definitely experimented with other men.

Jack Stone, who looks like a cartoon character and has a cartoon character name, looks at Rachel like he is going to kill her.

Mohit, the trained Bollywood dancer, holds her hands and says, “This is the only time I’m going to have the upper hand in the relationship” and I think, “definitely” because he won’t make it past Night 2.

Jedidiah, whose name is incredibly difficult for me to type, is wearing a vest and I’m so distracted by it that I have no idea what he says.

Michael, a man who claimed he was a professional basketball player but is shorter than Rachel, tells her, “The blacker the brownie the sweeter the dude,” and I have zero idea what that means.

Lucas, the man whose occupation is “Whaboom,” stays in the limo and rolls the window down before shouting into a megaphone that one of his testicles is larger than the other. I’d say he’s ballsy, but… when he gets out of the limo we see that he is wearing a Whaboom tank top and does the Whaboom yelling and face-making in front of her.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Rachel acknowledges the suitors and tells them, “literally you all swept me off of my feet” and that literally isn’t true. It literally drives me crazy when people use the word literally incorrectly.

She says, “My life motto is to keep it 100.” I thought she was in her 30s, not her teens.

Josiah, the attorney who was arrested when he was 12, is the first to take Rachel away and then rest of the dudes moan in unison. The first thing he tells her is that he was arrested at 12, which is everything a woman wants to hear after 10 minutes of meeting them.

Dean, the guy we met at “ATFR” who said, “Once I go black I’ll never go back,” moved to California to live by the beach so he brought sand and toys to make a sand castle together. Neither of them know how to make a sand castle, so this is dumb.

While sitting with Rachel, the penguin guy reveals that he has not only a receding hair line, but also a bald spot.

Bryan speaks in Spanish again and then kisses her. Except it’s one of those kisses that is super uncomfortable to watch, like when a sex scene comes on during a movie you’re watching with your parents.

Chris Harrison brings in the first impression rose and all of the guys try to out-explain what it is to each other, as though “first impression rose” is a difficult thing to understand.

The men start to get aggressive in seeking Rachel’s attention, and the Whaboom guy is still Whabooming all over the mansion. I think this is hilarious, but I’m pretty sure I’m the only person in the world who doesn’t hate this guy.

Peter, who is definitely the Shawn Booth of this season, pulls Rachel aside and offers her chocolate. She says she doesn’t like chocolate and I wonder if that’s a pun about her taste in men. They look up and “see a shooting star.” Peter is definitely making it to hometowns.

While Peter is talking to Rachel, the Whaboom guy is narrating the conversation with his megaphone. If that doesn’t make you laugh, I don’t know what will.

After his narration, Lucas, a 30-year-old man whose occupation is “Wahboom,” gets some time with Rachel. He takes his jacket off and reveals that his Whaboom shirt is actually a tank top. Then he juggles. This guy would make a killing on the Santa Monica Pier. Which is also my way of wishing him to live in Santa Monica.

The purring guy purrs at Rachel a few times and tries to kiss her, but she backs away and tells us that she’s not into the purring. Again, who would be?

Blake E., the guy who talked about his “large penis,” confronts Lucas, a 30-year-old man whose occupation is “Wahboom,” about his motives. It’s looking like Blake E. is this season’s villain, which is disappointing because he has now fulfilled all of the stereotypes associated with men who talk about having a large penis.

Josiah, the attorney who was arrested when he was 12, picks up the first impression rose and puts it in his pocket, which is not how the first impression rose works and he should know that since they all talked about it 10 minutes ago.

Rachel retrieves the first impression rose and makes her way to Bryan, the aggressive kisser who speaks Spanish to a woman who doesn’t. She offers it to him and he accepts by shoving his tongue in her throat again.

Mohit, the trained Bollywood dancer, is watching and drunkenly yells, “Whoa!”

Jamey, who has definitely experimented with dudes, says, “Maybe Rachel doesn’t like guys with perfect hair and perfect facial features,” validating my assumption.

ROSE CEREMONY

Chris Harrison greets the group again and Rachel reminds us she’s been there before, because it can’t be a rose ceremony without the lead relating to the new cast.

ELIMINATED

Grant, this season’s “Boring Ben.”

Kyle, the guy who made a bad bun joke

Blake K., who offered “words of encouragement.”

Milton, the first to shed tears this season.

Mohit, the trained Bollywood dancer.

Rob, who gets to go sleep off his hangover.

Jedidiah, whose name is really difficult for me to type.

Michael, a man who claimed he was a professional basketball player but is shorter than Rachel.

HOMETOWN DATE PREDICTIONS

Peter, who is definitely the Shawn Booth of this season.

Bryan, who is way too old to be on this show, because he got the first impression rose.

Josiah, because he was in the teaser reel and has a sad story, so he’ll be around a while.

Bryce, my soulmate, just because I want him on my TV for the next three months.

LINE OF THE NIGHT

Lucas is like the guy at the family reunion that pinches your nipples and puts a whoopee cushion under you” – Blake E.

It’s going to be another good one, you guys. Let me know what you think on Twitter @abbydraper. See you next week!

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