Ahh, Monday night … Part One of the five-hour “Bachelor” season finale that absolutely no one wants or needs. We love “The Bachelor,” but come on — do we really need to spend this much time watching the Arie’s love story unfold?! There is absolutely no one who is that invested in the Kissing Bandit’s relationships.
The episode starts with Chris Harrison saying that Arie is about to become the most controversial bachelor. Pretty sure Juan Pablo’s politically incorrect statements are worse than Arie being indecisive and fickle, but it’s fine Chris. We know you have to hype up the drama so people actually sit through this ridiculously long finale.
To make this a little more fun, we’ve decided to switch Lauren B.’s name to Plant for the rest of our recap because that is basically what she is. A living being who doesn’t talk, move, smile or express any emotions.
Plant Meets Arie’s Parents:
Arie talks to the camera about how much he likes Plant. He talks about how he feels like he is peeling back her different layers, which is shocking because they’ve exchanged about five words this entire season. His metaphor works with the plant thing, though, so whatever.
Arie walks into the hotel (they’re still in Peru) and meets with his dad, who gives him a hearty “good luck buddy” in regards to choosing between the two women. This seems like an awfully casual response to your son who says he’s in love with two women and is going to propose to one of them at the end of the week. Mr. Luyendyk Sr. must be a hardcore fan of “The Bachelor” and knows that there is only a 1/20 chance that his son’s relationship will last, which is why he is so nonchalant about all this.
Arie expresses concern to this family that he isn’t sure he has real, meaningful conversations with Plant. We are like #yasss Arie you are finally starting to come to your senses. His family seems to agree that this is a concern because apparently Arie had a habit in the past of going for girls with whom he can’t really hold a conversation. Does this mean Arie is finally growing up?
Meanwhile, Plant is nervous because she doesn’t want to freak out at dinner with Arie’s parents and act weird. We are pretty sure that in Plant’s world, being weird is code for showing personality. Plant betrays herself and gets real with the Luyendyk family. She cries to Arie’s mom and talks about her feelings. His family seems to really like her, so she’s going to be one tough act for Becca K. to follow.
Plant then goes for the gold. Arie asks her what she imagines for their life, and she says dog walks and dog parks. He is overjoyed because that is exactly what he wants. Ahh, they are so simple. So normal. So boring. Human toast.
Becca Meets Arie’s Parents:
Becca K. is way more personable and outgoing than Plant. She actually seems to be having fun with Arie’s family and it’s nice to watch someone who actually talks. The date veers into a weird direction when every person in Arie’s family tries to talk to Becca K. about Plant. Becca is mad because she feels like comparing the two is like “comparing an apple to a starfish.” Even though she is hurt by the comparisons, Arie’s family seems more drawn to Becca K. They like that she has a personality, and it seems like Arie’s family got pretty into his head with the whole “you can’t hold a conversation with Plant” thing.
Becca K. gives Arie a scrapbook that the interns definitely made, seeing as all the pictures were taken during filming. The last page of the scrapbook is a “first baby” page, which is kept blank for their future little Arie Luyendyk III.
The Final Rose Ceremony
The proposal set is basically an alpaca farm with a mud-river flowing through, and we’re kind of into it. Every time things start to get serious, we see an alpaca chowing down on some grass in the background. We’re wondering why they didn’t color-correct the river to make it look crystal clear and picturesque, but it’s probably just ABC trying to keep it “raw” and “real.”
At this point, it’s looking like Arie is in a tough spot. He needs to propose but is in love with two women, or at least, that’s what he has told both of them.
First though, he needs to meet with Neil Lane to pick out which ostentatious diamond he wants to put on his future fiancee’s finger. This seems a lot easier for him to choose than the actual fiancee — the meeting goes pretty fast. We are wondering how you know which ring to pick when you don’t even know which girl you are proposing to.
Like, what if one girl wants a cushion cut ring and the other one wants oval cut but you pick the wrong ring because you flip-flop right before proposal time? We are pretty sure that Neil isn’t worried about this though — in fact, it’s better for him. The more unsure Arie is about who to propose to, the more likely it is that Neil Lane gets the ring back and is ultimately the real #winner of the show.
Plant is first up. She goes up to Arie and she spouts out all the emotions that she bottled up all season. She talks about how much she loves him. Meanwhile, Arie looks like he wants to die. He tells her he didn’t know who he was going to pick until this morning, and he is very sorry, but he isn’t picking her.
They are both crying a lot. We feel bad for Lauren B. She has, at this point in the show, earned her real name back. After forcing this girl to open up, Arie decided that she wasn’t the one and that she wasn’t enough. #ouch #burn
In the limo, Lauren has some valid questions about Arie, like, how can he get down on one knee and propose to someone when he was unsure until that very morning?
Becca K. arrives to meet Arie and he proposes to her! The two make out a bunch and talk about how excited they are to spend the whole lives together. Becca K. says that they are like two pieces of a puzzle that fit together, and Arie asks if she wants to start having babies. That is a terrifying question, considering he just told Lauren B. he was in love with her too. Is he really ready to start having children?
After the Rose:
After the proposal, they cut to an emotionless Chris Harrison saying that the proposal scene didn’t feel like the end of the story. We are like yeah, it totally did, if we hadn’t read all the spoilers on social media.
We get a cute montage of Arie and Becca’s K. life together. It apparently involved a lot of making out and Becca K. wearing yoga pants, which we know Arie loves from earlier this season. Becca K. seems genuinely happy with him, and we feel badly because we know what’s coming.
We find out that Arie has been talking to Lauren B. and still has feelings for her. He has decided to break up with Becca K. to pursue things with Lauren B., and thinks that the best way to do this is by telling Becca K. they are going to go on a getaway weekend. Instead, he brings in a camera crew to tape her reaction when he calls off the engagement for another woman. Sensitive guy right here.
They play the entire scene unedited, which is apparently a reality television first. They split-screen two camera angles, one on Arie and one on Becca K., and we can see the producers running around in the background the whole time. We don’t know if this will win “The Bachelor” an Emmy or anything, but it’s pretty interesting to watch. It definitely feels like we’re right there with Becca K., experiencing the breakup as it actually happened.
Arie talks about how he’s only been half-in with Becca K., and how he’s worried about missing his chance with Lauren B. Uh, we think that ship sailed when you proposed to another woman. Becca K. asks Arie to leave, repeatedly. Can someone count how many times she asked? And, of course, he doesn’t listen. Arie follows Becca K. around the house, from room to room, while she cries and tries to get away from him. Arie, leave the girl alone. You just broke up with her on national television for another women. Stop trying to make yourself feel better. He finally leaves. Becca K. seems to hate him, and honestly, so does the rest of America.
Tune in for part two of the finale tonight, or catch our recap here tomorrow.