'True Blood' recap: Season 5, Episode 3, 'Whatever I Am, You Made Me'

Being a new vampire ain't easy. And Tara's learning the hard way.

Escaping from Sookie's into the woods, Tara experiences vampire sensory overload — her vision is heightened, she can hear things very clearly. She can see the entire universe and stars above her, but can also see a creepy opossum in a tree.

She can also see a stranded motorist looking for help. She bears her fangs and approaches. 

"Listen ... I ... have no problem with vampires," the woman begs.

Tara's not having it. She's hungry and pissed, so we grabs her neck and is about to sink her teeth in until she sees her reflection in the car window and backs away. 

"I'm sorry," Tara says and backs off. Apparently, if you were a good person and had a soul before you turned vampire, that carries over into your new vampire conscience. 

Or something.

Tara's adjustment to her new life made up the bulk of this otherwise boring episode. Otherwise, we're saddled with the slow moving action over at the Authority, where the mainstreaming vs. non-mainstreaming debate rattles on (rebels who don't believe the Authority has all the right answers are called "Sanguinistas", we learn. Really?!)

But back to Tara. Sookie and Lafayette are freaking out looking for her, and Sookie turns to Pam, Tara's maker. Pam is too occupied with trying to find Eric (vampires can text on their phones really, really, really fast).

So Pam turns her down her request for help. "Get out of my bar before I suck you dry," Pam tells her, which unleashes the fairy-power rage in Sookie. The flashes of powerful light come out of Sookie's hands which pushes Pam way up against the wall of the bar.

Everyone stares. "Get back to dry humping each other and buying my over-priced drinks," Pam yells at her customers.

Pam is not in a good mood. But more on that later.

Tara has found refuge outside Merlotte's where she scares Sam. "Help me. I'm hungry," she tells him. She doesn't reveal exactly what happened to her, but she is binging on TruBlood drink before passes out. Is that the vampire form of getting wasted?

Sam decides to keep her in the Merlotte's walk-in refrigerator. Sookie later reads his thoughts and finds out where her best friend is. 

"Is she OK?" she asks Sam.

"Hell no. She's a vampire," he responds. 

"It's like keeping a pet alligator in a bathtub," Lafayette says about keeping Tara in the frig. True, I guess. It seems like these two need to come up with a better plan.

Eventually, Tara escapes (shock) and scares the hell out of everyone at Merlotte's (especially Arlene) when she shows her fangs. "All I can think about is ripping your throats. So stay away from me or I'll do it," Tara says before leaving. Again. 

Alcide sees what happens, which forces Sookie to tell him the truth about what happened to Debbie Pelt (her parents, meanwhile, are in town looking for their daughter). Understandably, Alcide freaks out, feels betrayed by Sookie and won't tell her if he'll tell someone what she has done (my guess: he won't). 

The most interesting consequence of the whole Tara situation is he deep depression. At the end of the episode, she breaks into a beauty parlor, gets into a tanning bed in the back and turns it on — vampire suicide. 

She screams, Pam senses her vampire baby is in trouble and says, "Stupid b----." I'm assuming Pam will go and help her (she does have something of a kind heart), but where is the Tara plot line going here? Will she eventually forgive Sookie and Lafayette or terrorize (Tara-rize? heh.) the town? 

I'm wondering if she'll eventually get adopted by an unfriendly vampire. They're still looking for Russell Edgington, right? 

Meanwhile, at the sexy Authority: Roman has accepted Bill's and Eric's deal: they'll go hunt down Russell if he doesn't give them the True Death right then and there. The Chancellors are mostly furious at the decision (especially the annoying little boy who goes on and on about not negotiating with hostages. I hate that kid).

But it's a done deal. Eric and Bill are both outfitted with this device that will kill them if they try any funny business (it's called the iStake. Good work, Apple) and later both have sex with Salome. 

Seriously, both are seduced by Chancellor Salome, who we learn in the Salome from the Bible (really). So weird and random. Roman later also has sex with Salome. So there's that. And there's a lot of chatting about how Roman loves him some vampire mainstreaming but some people don't and there's a war a'brewing. It's all very tedious.

On the other hand, we learn that the Authority recruited Steve Newlin to be on their side because he has influence over the religious right and can help them counteract the blow to mainstreaming if Russell decides to take over the airwaves again. Because Steve Newlin is trustworthy like that. 

Jason's hot for teacher (again): Can't say I'm surprised that Jason Stackhouse once had sex with his hot blonde high-school teacher. The woman is back in Bon Temps after getting divorced and Jason runs into her at the grocery store.

"You taught me all I know," he says and I don't think he means algebra.

Later, at her place (she's also a cat lady now, by the way) she tries to apologize for what she did to Jason. Jason's not hearing it because he thinks about her all the time (sure) and would love to give it the old high-school-sex-with-teacher try again.

So they do. But he's immediately filled with regret and leaves. Jason, again, is learning that sex doesn't solve everything, but when will the show settle on portraying Jason as sexually promiscuous or reformed monogamist? It keeps going back and forth in an annoying way. 

After smelling some guy who smells really, really good (she tries to track him down but he vanishes), Jessica is all riled up and goes to Jason's house. He's not in the mood for love, but in the mood for talking. 

I like Jason better when he's oversexed. 

More Pam flashbacks!: We go back to the 1905 brothel where Pam was a madam to see more of her first interactions with Eric. He shows up, is offered the house's "wares" but just wants to talk to Pam. 

They go into a room and encounter Bill (!) and Lorena (!!) feeding on a woman. Seriously, in 1905 San Francisco, Bill, Eric, Pam and Lorena were all in one place? This was interesting to see but hard to believe.

Bill doesn't like Eric barging in on his feeding time, so he confronts him angrily and is about to stake him before Lorena stops him. Eric looks like he's about to kill Bill for his insubordination. 

"Eric, please. He's new. He doesn't understand." So Eric lets him go.

Later, Eric and Pam have sex (if you couldn't tell already, there was a lot of sex in this episode) and Pam tells him to make her a vampire. She's unhappy with her life now and will be even more unhappy when she gets old and is saddled with TB or hepatitis, she explains. Makes sense.

Eric explains that it's a big responsibility for him to make someone. After Pam says that he can turn her and then leave her alone forever, he explains, "Would you toss a newborn baby in the gutter?"

You mean like what Pam is doing to Tara?

Pam starts to cry, turns around and shows Eric that she's cut her wrists. "Walk the world with me or watch me die," she states.

So Eric turns her. 

Sex and blood = this episode. Let's keep it moving,"True Blood"writers. 

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