It’s week 2 of "The Bachelorette," which means it’s time to separate the men from the boys. Or in Des’s case, weed out one decent guy in a mansion full of losers.
I find it hard to believe that the 25 potential suitors who climbed out of the limo last week were the best that ABC had to offer. I also find it hard to believe that any of the men are here for “the right reason,” i.e. to fall in love with Des, a/k/a Cinderella. To me, they look like they are auditioning for a Crest White Strips commercial or a remake of "Baywatch."
Tonight’s episode is brought to you by the letter “B,” as in Bryden, Brandon, Brooks, Brad, Ben and Brian. The remaining men, whose names start with one of the other 25 letters of the alphabet, are Drew, Robert, Will, Zak, Kasey, Michael, Juan Pablo, Dan, James, Chris, Nick, Mikey T. and Zack.
As the boys settle into the mansion, Des’s fairy godmother appears in the form of Chris Harrison. With a stroke of his magic wand and a “bippity boppity boo,” Chris pulls out the first date card. Before the name of the lucky recipient is announced, Chris reminds us for the umpteenth time that there will be two one-on-one dates, one group-date and roses at each date, as if we haven’t heard this all before. Finally, the moment we have all been waiting for. The first date goes to, dut dut duh...Brooks, who is so excited that he air-jabs a few right hooks and left jabs, and a right and a left upper cut, and says he is Rocky Balboa. Brooks has wavy slicked back hair and calls Des a “ball of mystery.” Ewww.
One-on-One with Brooks
Des pulls up to the mansion in her turquoise Bentley which clashes with her hot pink tank top. As she and Brooks drive off, the remaining boys proclaim their envy and hope that Brooks dies in a fiery crash on Hollywood Boulevard. No such luck, boys. Instead, Brooks and Des spend some time at the bridal shop where Des works and shop for wedding attire, which is every single man’s dream date come true. A word of advice to the single ladies: don’t try this at home.
Des is excited and feels like a newlywed. They “celebrate” by taking selfies and feeding each other cupcakes out of a truck. Nothing screams newlywed like eating cupcakes on the sidewalk while inhaling exhaust fumes.
The next stop on this fascinating date is the Hollywood sign, which according to Brooks “looks over L.A. and is like you are floating on clouds.” Those aren’t clouds Brooks, that’s smog.
Brooks is a little light in the loafers, if you know what I mean, and is a bit of a girlie man. Speaking of loafers, what are those horrible shoes Des is wearing? I guess ABC blew their entire budget on the Bentley and couldn’t afford a decent date locale or a better pair of shoes for Des. Maybe they can ask Michael G. to go back and see if there are any more pennies in the fountain.
Brooks and Des engage in a deep conversation about past relationships, commitments, blah blah blah. They kiss as the sun sets over Los Angeles. I believe we have seen this date before.
As night falls, we watch Des and a very nervous Brooks drive through a “shady” area of town, complete with graffiti and barbed-wire fences. They drive across a (closed to the public) bridge and find a beautifully set table for their romantic dinner.
Des asks Brooks what he thinks about marriage. He fumbles a bit before telling Des that his parents were divorced when he was younger, and he didn’t speak to his Dad from the ages of 13 to 19. Brooks gets weepy when he recounts his strained reunion with his Dad. His eyes are red and he seems to be crying. Someone please pass Brooks a tissue and a tampon because I think he just got his period. The date ends with a private concert by Andy Grammer. Brooks says it’s “the most magical date I’ve ever spent.” He got the rose.
Back at the mansion, the group-date card arrives and asks “Who’s here for the right reason?” Fourteen of the guys in various hues of V-neck T-shirts are invited on the group date, which centers around making a rap music video called “All The Right Reasons.” The guys on the group date are Dan, Juan Pablo, Kasey, Zack, Will, Brian, Drew, James, Mikey, Zak W., Nick, Michael G. Brandon and Ben.
Fortunately, Soulja Boy’s career has taken a downturn since his big hit “Crank Dat,” and he has plenty of time to teach 14 of the whitest white boys to rap and dance like big-time rappers. The best part of this “rap” is that the lyrics make fun of previous "Bachelor" contestants. This date just proves that white men can’t rap. Or dance. But neither can Will.
After being evaluated for lead roles, the guys head to wardrobe to get dressed for the big shoot. Brandon’s costume is a shirt and a banana hammock. Not only does Brandon have the worst costume, his big dance move requires him to juggle his junk in Des’s face. Des appreciates his commitment. She doesn't appreciate his junk. The worst part is when his man parts are sticking out of the banana hammock and Brandon covers them with one hand. At least use both hands to cover your junk and try to impress the girl.
Ben scores a solo and gets some one-on-one time with Des, much to the chagrin of the other 13 guys. Finally the video is finished, and I hope I never have to watch it again.
The date continues at a cocktail party that evening, where Zak W., who finally wore a shirt, seems like less of a jerk than he did last week. He presents Des with an antique diary that he picked up at a yard sale on his way to the mansion. The diary has an inscription from a father to a daughter, and Des finds this AMAZING. We know this because she says the word AMAZING four times in a row. Zak W. tells her he is not a clown. Des thinks he has depth and is here for the right reason.
While Bozo is talking to Des, Brandon is in the other room telling the guys that love is like a butterfly that he doesn’t want to squash. Good thinking. Squishing a butterfly will only get you butterfly poop in your hands.
While Brandon is yakking about butterflies, Ben busts in on Mikey T.’s conversation with Des and takes her off in private. This is the official start of #ihateben2013, with Mikey T. as the club president. While the men are in the corner getting their nails done and talking stuff about Ben, Ben is out back with Des, once again using his son Brody to win Des’s heart. Ben then asks Des if he can kiss her and moves in without waiting for an answer. Des doesn’t seem to mind, but I can’t say the same for Brandon, who it appears has been watching this whole thing from the roof. He is really upset because of the feelings he has for Des. After all, he has known her a whole two days and has spent at least 15 minutes with her.
Meanwhile, Mikey T., a/k/a “Mr. Let’s Clear The Air,” pulls Ben aside and tells him that he’s only nice to the guys when the cameras are there and isn’t genuine. Ben responds that he is not a backstabber and compliments Mikey’s shoes. That makes Mikey happy. Seriously, Mikey is a woman.
Des and Drew are sitting in front of the fireplace having a nice conversation until Brandon interrupts. Which was a good thing, because five more minutes in front of that fireplace and Drew’s hair gel would have gone up in flames.
Brandon takes Des outside to tell her his tale of woe: his Dad left when he was five, his mom moved the family every two years, mom was a drug addict, he was a truant, he changed diapers, raised his sister, etc. etc. etc. Des probably wants to say “Listen buddy, I grew up in a tent with Brother Nate, so save your sob story,” but instead gives him a hug. Brandon doesn’t need a wife; he needs a good therapist.
At the end of the night, our resident villain Ben gets the group-date rose.
One-on-One with Bryden
The next one-on-one date goes to Bryden and involves driving around California while eating snacks from a convenience store. The day-long date includes flying a kite at the beach, eating tacos, running through an orange grove, having a picnic and discovering that Bryden doesn’t know what brie is. Should have packed Kraft Yellow American Slices. They have that in Montana. He breaks the record for using the word AMAZING so often in one sentence. She looks AMAZING, this date is AMAZING, the car is AMAZING...
As day turns into night, Des and Bryden pull up to an inn in Ojai where they have dinner on the lawn, under the trees. Des is quite used to eating this way; it is the same as the view from outside of her tent growing up. And what dinner wouldn’t be complete without a sob story? Bryden tells Des about the construction accident that caused his collapsed lung and 100 staples in his head. Oh,and by the way, he happens to have pictures in his pocket to prove it! Des loves the pictures and gives him a rose.
After dinner, they head to the hot tub, where Bryden gets nervous and Des demands, “Just kiss me already.” Bryden is ever the good soldier and obeys her command. Bryden seems like a nice guy, but his bowl haircut reminds me of Lloyd from "Dumb & Dumber." Google it.
Michael G. decides that this is the right time to tell Des that he has Type 1 diabetes. He launches into a long, boring story about the phone call from the doctor with his blood sugar levels. Just as Des’s eyes are about to roll to the back of head out of boredom from listening to “As The Diabetes Turns,” Ben swoops in and takes Des away from Michael.
Michael takes it like a man and goes running into the other room, summoning the guys and telling them how big bad Ben took Des away from him! Mikey T. is particularly miffed because “I already had a talk with him.” Meanwhile, Ben is out back for round two of his make out session with Des and mistakenly believes he is the only one who has kissed Des so far. Clearly Brooks and Bryden’s taste has faded.
When Ben finally comes back inside, the men attack! Michael G. makes a federal case about Ben moving in on his diabetes story time, tells him that he’s rubbing the guys the wrong way and lets him know that he doesn’t care if they are friends or not. Uh, OK Michael, if you don’t care, then shut the heck up already. The next meeting of the #ihateben2013 club commences, and after gossiping like a bunch of women at the hair salon, the guys decide that Ben is not there for the right reason. There are so many members of this club that they change the name to #wehateben2013.
Brian realizes this is a good time to talk to Des and sweeps her off her feet (literally) and carries her off to a couch for some private time. He tells her that his last relationship ended a few months ago, and that he is ready to find love again.
Chris Harrison walks in and must smell the increased estrogen in the air because he comments on the high level of drama in the house. Fortunately, he brought some Midol with him to help the ladies with their bloating.
Ben, Bryden and Brooks already have roses and the remaining roses go to James, Kasey, Dan, Juan Pablo, Brad, Chris, Brian, Zak W., Drew, Mikey T., Zack, Michael G., and Brandon. Heading off to the ride of shame home are Will, Robert and Nick M. They say they are heartbroken and hurt, and take this rejection a little too seriously.
Next week: Which one of our guys is the “lying, cheating, deceitful pig” with a girlfriend?