Last night was the "Bachelor" crowd-favorite episode, “The Women Tell All,” where many of the season’s contestants return to face one another and Ben. I say crowd favorite for obvious reasons — the women argue about “who was mean to whom” in their most revealing dresses, new plastic surgeries and two-day-old blowouts.
The episode begins with footage from Chris Harrison and Ben surprising “Bachelor Nation” fans who host “Bachelor Viewing Parties” each week and, of course, we see Ben hold a stranger's baby, give a rose to a fan's grandma and FaceTime with another fan's mom — because he’s Ben.
Chris Harrison re-introduces this season's rejects who have agreed to appear on national television for just five more minutes of “fame”: Lace, who got super drunk the first night; Tiara, whose job title was “chicken enthusiast” so naturally she brought a chicken with her to sit in her lap all night (seriously); Amber, who has been on two “Bachelor” seasons and one “Bachelor in Paradise” season; Jami, a bartender from Canada; Izzy, the girl who came out of the limo in a pajama onesie; Rachel, whose job title was “unemployed”’ Jubilee, the woman with a collarbone tattoo; Jen, a “small-business owner” who likely sells statement jewelry on Etsy; Sushanna, who I didn’t know spoke English until tonight; Lauren H., one of this season's 15 Laurens; Olivia, this season's “mean girl”; Leah, who bent over to hike a football to Ben while wearing a sequin dress; Becca, the virgin from Prince Farming’s season; Haley, twin one; Emily, twin two; Amanda, the mom from Orange County; and Caila, who should just spell her name Kayla like a normal person.
We are shown a highlight reel of this season's “drama,” which emphasized Jubilee not being well-liked, Leah lying about throwing Lauren B. under the bus to Ben, and how much everyone hates Olivia.
After the reel, the women waste no time in sharing their hatred for Olivia, which causes the actual chicken that is sitting in a “chicken enthusiast's” lap to fly (do chickens fly?) two women over to land in Lace’s lap.
After Chris Harrison makes a terrible joke about the chicken flying south, he says Leah’s name and the audience boos her. Immediately, Jami, the bartender from Canada, and Becca, the virgin from Chris Soules’ season, spout versions of “you’re a liar” at Leah. She responds with, “I didn’t lie intentionally,” which makes no sense because I don’t think you can lie without knowing you’re doing so.
Jubilee, the woman with the collarbone tattoo, is called upon next. Jami and Amber decide to stake a claim in their race by accusing Jubilee of playing the “black card,” and I’m too white to comment on this. After they’ve exhausted this, Leah says, “Get over it,” and I wonder if that was intentional by her definition.
Jubilee offers them an apology with, “I do say offensive things and I’m sorry about that,” and I have never related to a woman with a collarbone tattoo until right now.
Amber and Jami decide to accept Jubilee’s apology, and Amber does that double-air kiss thing that people who think they’re famous do when they think they see someone taking a photo of them.
Chris Harrison asks Jubilee, the woman with the collarbone tattoo, to join him in the “hot seat,” which is the couch next to him and something I definitely wouldn’t call a hot seat. They show the reel from Jubilee’s time on this season, reminding us that Ben is a good dude for the third time tonight and that Jubilee left feeling "unlovable," which is a word “The Bachelor” seems insistent on making happen.
Next in the “hot seat” is Lace, who got super drunk the first night, and her reel reminds us that she got super drunk the first night and sent herself home because her “you have to love yourself before someone else can love you” tattoo proved to her that she has some work to do before she can fall in love.
Lace goes on to say that since she’s left the show she’s really become a changed woman and even her mom told her that she’s seen changes. Moms have to tell their daughters things like that, so is she really a changed woman?
As she’s talking, a male audience member who claims to be straight despite being at this show interrupts to say, “You ARE crazy … crazy beautiful!” before lifting his shirt to reveal that he has a tattoo of her face on his oblique. Thanks SoulCycle for helping me know what part of the body that was. He then requests a photo with her, and when that’s allowed, he takes his shirt completely off — revealing what I believe the kids call a “dad bod.”
After that nonsense, Lace accepts an invitation to be on the next season of "Bachelor in Paradise." Because of course she does.
Olivia, this season's “mean girl,” is invited to the “hot seat” next. I am impressed because she’s hit the “Women Tell All” trifecta: the revealing outfit, the nose job and the two-day-old blowout. I wonder out loud whether when she was under the knife for the new nose she also had her cankles and bad breath fixed.
Her reel consists of all of her mean girl comments, how much the rest of the women dislike her and how wide she can open her mouth. I hope one of Chris’ questions is if that talent has helped her dating life since leaving the show.
The twins are visibly bothered by what Olivia is saying to Chris Harrison because they go rogue and rehash all of the terrible things Olivia did this season. For whatever reason (JK, for the extra five minutes of TV fame), Leah, who bent over to hike a football to Ben wearing a sequin dress, decides to interject again and Amanda, the mom from Orange County, reminds Olivia of her “Teen Mom” comments.
The best low blow of the night comes from Jen, the "small-business owner" who likely sells statement jewelry on Etsy, with, “We like to read books and talk smart things, too.” She’s been practicing that one for months.
Olivia says, “If there were a guide book for how to do this show, I would have read it,” and now I know how I’m going to make my first million.
The last of the women to be called to the “hot seat” is Caila, who should just spell her name Kayla like a normal person. During her reel, it is reiterated that every conversation she had with Ben consisted of him asking an iteration of, “am I unlovable?” We also get to see Caila’s mom and her adult braces, and I still think Caila’s mom should be the next Bachelorette.
Caila shares that she hadn’t watched the season, so that was her first time seeing these moments played back to her. She says, “It was really hard” several times and I’m guessing she’s reflecting on their last date — the Fantasy Suite date.
Chris Harrison calls Ben the “most popular bachelor in history” and by popular, I’m guessing he means boring.
It’s time for Ben to take the “hot seat” and immediately Chris Harrison says, “You told two women you’re in love with them. Do you know how much trouble you’re in?” This is most likely to remind us that, albeit a boring season, the finale will still offer our ever-promised “most dramatic season ever” accolades. I just miss Kaitlyn having sex with everyone.
With Ben open for questions, Caila asks him if he’d been confused all along, Leah asks why he narc-ed on her to Lauren, and Jubilee accuses Ben of faulting her for their breakup rather than admitting he just wasn’t into it.
Ben gives boring responses because he’s Ben.
When asked if Ben figured everything out and decided, he responds with, “I am in love and I would marry that woman tomorrow if I could.”
The episode ends with bloopers from the season and another preview of next week's finale – the most dramatic ever.
The previews lead us to believe we have a Jason Mesnick moment, where Ben sends the wrong woman home and changes his mind after she’s left. I’m guessing he sends Lauren home and then when JoJo gets there he realizes he’s had a change of heart and also sends JoJo home, hoping Lauren will accept an apology and come back to be proposed to.
As always, let me know what you think on Twitter @abbydraper. See you next week!