We begin with a snapshot of Bachelor Chris in the outdoor shower he loves so much -- with Jimmy Kimmel. It’s now been confirmed that this season is so boring, they had to bring in a professional comedian to spice things up.
Following the opening shower shot, Kimmel walks into Bachelor Chris’ bedroom to wake him from his ridiculously loud snoring sleep. After an awkward three and a half minutes of that, the show finally begins.
Chris Harrison introduces the girls to Jimmy Kimmel and they all cheer loudly, validating how important this 15 (maybe 20, if they become the next Bachelorette) minutes of fame is to them.
Jimmy’s first joke is that every time someone says the word “amazing,” they have to put a dollar in a jar. I’ll admit, that’s actually pretty funny. I’m appeased until his next joke, which is that he’s there to sleep with all of them. Gross.
FIRST DATE CARD
Jimmy leaves the first date card and we learn it’s for Kaitlyn, the girl who told Chris he can “plow the f--- out of her field any day he wants.” As if this show couldn’t be any more scripted; of course they pick this season's "funny girl" to go on a date with The Bachelor and comedian Jimmy Kimmel.
The card reads, “You and Chris are about to join an exclusive club. Sweeping views, vaulted ceilings and unlimited hors d'oeuvres await.” To which she responds “OK!!!” in a way that sounds like she’s filming an episode of “Laguna Beach” at brunch in The Valley.
Naturally, they head to their date in a limo. I’m no fashionista, but Kaitlyn is wearing a tube crop top with a long skirt, flip flops and a flannel while Chris wears a button-down that he forgot to button. I’m guessing ABC decided to spend their wardrobe budget for this episode to accommodate Kimmel.
Bachelor Chris and Kaitlyn take the limo down the PCH and pull up to a Costco. Get it? Because Kimmel is a comedian, the date is supposed to be funny.
I hope the first thing they put in their cart is different attire. When they get to Costco, they are told that their planned date for that night is to cook dinner for Jimmy Kimmel, their guest. They open a note from Jimmy, which is his ridiculous grocery list requesting of items to pick up for him, including enough ketchup to fill a hot tub. I say “gross” for the second time tonight.
When they get “home” to make dinner, Kaitlyn pours a few glasses of whiskey and Chris giggles like he’s being tickled by a husk of corn.
To make this less boring, Jimmy Kimmel shows up. While they’re having dinner, Jimmy asks Katilyn if she would be angry if Bachelor Chris were to share a bed with three women three nights in a row (during the fantasy suite episodes). She responds with, “No, you can’t buy a car without test-driving it.” So basically, Kaitlyn doesn’t mind chlamydia.
There are like four more terrible sex jokes made that aren’t even worth telling. Finally the date ends with, surprise, Bachelor Chris and Kaitlyn making out. In front of Jimmy Kimmel. In a hot tub. For the third time, I think “gross.”
DATE CARD NUMBER TWO
After suffering through that terribly boring date, Becca, America’s Sweetheart, reads date card number two. She lets us know that Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S., Julia, Samantha, Nikki and Carly are joining Bachelor Chris for tonight’s date. The card reads, “Are you ready to meet some real party animals? Best regards, Jimmy.” And I’m confused. Is Jimmy his wingman this week? Also, why are there 46 people on this date?
After a commercial, the show continues with Jillian, the news reporter from D.C. who does flips outside of the White House because she lives in DC, WODing by herself outside of the mansion. As she does another snatch (actual CrossFit term), I take a huge bite of my Thai food. While this is impressive, there is still a black box covering her “private area.” Despite how in shape you are, girl, you may want to take a quick workout break to fix that business. It’s not 1974.
The second date starts with the 46 girls walking onto a “farm” in Malibu. I think Bachelor Chris is wearing Kaitlyn’s flannel from last night.
Jimmy Kimmel explains the date by calling it a competition and I’m confused again. Am I watching "The Bachelor" or "The Real World/Road Rules Challenge?"
We learn that the women are being subjected to a series of “farm challenges” that include shucking corn, finding and cooking a chickens egg, milking a goat and drinking said milk, and wrestling with a pig. I couldn’t make this up if I tried. When Jimmy asks if anyone is allergic to goat's milk, Carly, the cruise ship singer, enthusiastically says yes, but agrees to drinking it anyway, “for love.”
When Jimmy Kimmel says they get to wrestle a pig, Jillian, who if you recall just completed her own personal WOD, cheers loudly and I laugh out loud. We watch the competitions, and Jillian’s ass is still being covered by this black box. COME ON ABC.
In other “ABC knows what they’re doing” news, the producers show Amber, this season's only black contestant, saying about the goat milk, “The way Kelsey described it is warm and salty. Doesn’t sound like something I want in my mouth.” I’m pretty sure that, because of this, she’ll be sent home tonight.
Casey ends up winning this “farm challenge” despite CrossFit Jillian showing off her athleticism several more times, black box and all.
The group of 46 women and Bachelor Chris go to Lowes Hollywood Hotel, and I would really like to know how many L.A. hotels are paid sponsors of this show. Immediately after sitting down, Carly and her leather pants/sparkly shirt/half braid combo take Bachelor Chris aside. She looks deep into his farming eyes, says, “You are a man, and I am a woman, and I just wanted to take advantage,” and kisses him.
Three nights, eight kisses.
Amber, who doesn’t swallow, asks if he wants to dance, and tells him to pretend it's their wedding. They make out.
The brilliant producers fill a spot with Bachelor Chris confessing, “There was a fair amount of kissing going on, which is the point of all of this.”
Mackenzie, the 21-year-old with a son named Kale, pulls Chris aside and asks if she can be blunt. When Bachelor Chris allows this, she asks, “Remember when we kissed? I thought it was special. Now you’re kissing everyone.” We learn quickly that Bachelor Chris’ tell sign when he’s uncomfortable is to clear his throat, because he does so about 10 times.
After Mackenzie’s interrogation, Becca gets some alone time with the man of the hour, reiterating that she is this season's “sweetheart.” Bachelor Chris stares at her lips the entire time she talks. I assume they’re about to make out, since that’s the theme of this season, but she denies him. Again, this season's sweetheart.
It’s time for a decision. Bachelor Chris picks up the group date rose and gives it to Becca, so that we all think he’s not just there for the making-out.
DATE CARD NUMBER THREE
Whitney, the fertility nurse who should be a Disneyland princess, complains that she’s being left out. So inevitably she gets the next date card. It reads, “Today is going to be fun. No whining. Jimmy.” I wonder if Jimmy has been reading my recaps. It turns out it’s probably a pun, because they go to a winery, but a girl can dream.
Upon learning she gets the one-on-one, Whitney starts crying. But it’s hardly noticeable, because her roots need fixing, badly.
Bachelor Chris takes Whitney to Saddle Rock in Malibu, and whoever is planning these one-on-one dates needs to call me.
They are wearing matching pink shirts. I hope Whitney gets to use Instagram while she’s filming, because she seems like the kind of girl who would Instagram her and a guy she’s known for three days wearing matching outfits at a winery in Malibu. She also has a jean jacket on. After Kaitlyn’s flannel and Whitney’s jean jacket, I wonder if these women packed outfits they assume are worn on farms in Iowa.
When they sit down with their wine, Whitney asks Bachelor Chris, “What are you looking for?” To which he responds, “I need a girl that can roll the cob,” explaining that means that she can “shoot the shit.” And, come on Prince Farming, we know what “roll the cob” actually means. Further validating Amber will go home tonight.
At the winery, we learn that there is also a wedding. Whitney suggests they crash it by saying “YOLO.” Her saying “YOLO” was the most exciting part of this entire date and I cross my fingers that ABC brings Drake on as a performer in an upcoming episode.
Bachelor Chris agrees to crash, and after they change clothes and buy a gift (seriously), they head to the reception. While they are there, they do the things every couple does at a wedding. They talk to the other guests, dance with each other, try to catch the bouquet, make out. (Eight girls, three nights.)
After several boring minutes of this, Bachelor Chris gives Whitney a rose and they hug for an uncomfortable amount of time.
We cut to commercial and the West Coast lets out a collective sigh.
The commercial break ends with Bachelor Chris working out (he and Jillian should WOD together) and taking another outdoor shower. I’ve seen Bachelor Chris lathered in soap more than any man I’ve actually met in real life. They show Jimmy Kimmel in the shower with him and I think, “you’re not Chelsea Handler or Ellen DeGeneres, bros.”
Bachelor Chris says “it’s good to know Jimmy Kimmel has my back” while Jimmy Kimmel rubs soap on Chris’ back. For real, someone, please introduce me to these producers at ABC.
We get to the weekly cocktail party and I notice immediately that Whitney definitely had her roots done since last night's wedding crash.
Surprise! Jimmy Kimmel tells us there will be no cocktail party, but instead a pool party.
They all freak out because they only have an hour, and for the 15th time in three episodes I’m confused. Why do you need more than an hour to get ready for a pool party? I don’t take an hour to get ready for anything.
Megan, the makeup artist, screams, “Pool party” and it’s clear they’ve been drinking. Again.
The producers I’m dying to meet zoom into Kardashian saying that she wanted to look more Kardashian tonight, but those dreams are ruined because it’s a pool party. Again, I couldn’t make this up.
When we head to the pool, we see that Jillian’s private area is being covered with a black box. Come on, y’all… What is going on down there?
The first girl to take Bachelor Chris aside is Juelia, who I still forgot was a contestant, and she tells him the story of her ex-husband committing suicide. Like last week, I’ll leave it at that.
Britt, who gives “free hugs” on Hollywood Boulevard, is up next. We see her and Bachelor Chris partake in a little foreplay with the rest of the women watching.
After Britt, Jade, the fashion designer from L.A., asks Bachelor Chris for a tour of his house. Jade then tells us that watching the other girls with him “fuels a fire under her butt” and I’m now at my fourth “gross” of the night.
While Jade and Bachelor Chris are making out on his bed wearing only their swimwear, Jillian sneaks down to his house, with a black box STILL covering her ass, and sits by herself in his hot tub.
When Jade and Bachelor Chris exit his house, Chris says bye to Jade and hops in the hot tub with Jillian and her black box.
Kardashian, Megan the makeup artist and Mackenzie the 21-year-old walk down to the hot tub. After Jillian says she and Bachelor Chris need more alone time, they walk three feet away and sit on the sidewalk to give Jillian “5-10 minutes” of alone time. During this time, Megan the makeup artist asks if she (her makeup) looks “cracky” and Mackenzie says, “like a crack whore?” Now I want more details on Kale's father.
When the 5-10 minutes is up, Kardashian, Megan and Mackenzie head back over to the hot tub. When Jillian stays, Kardashian starts crying, runs away and drops her drink. The producers film the glass rolling down the driveway. I’ve asked like six times now, ABC, please let me know where I can meet these people.
Bachelor Chris comes back to the mansion looking for Kardashian and they step away to talk. Kardashian cries and it’s actually identical to a Kim Kardashian crying meme. Once she’s done crying, they aggressively make out and we’re reminded that she’s definitely not a virgin.
Bachelor Chris accidentally calls Jimmy Kimmel “Jade” and now all of the other women hate Jade.
Ashley S. didn’t have an Ambien-induced meltdown this week, but was still given a rose.
Amber, the only black contestant. But more important, the woman who shot fireball before last week's group-date.
Tracy, the teacher who read a note from her students to Chris on episode one. That was as memorable as she was.
Trina who was drunk during episode one and that was also the most memorable she was.
Bachelor Chris’ line of the night? There were two this week. 1) “Who the hell needs helicopters when you have Costco?” and 2) “I’m not here just to shower with Jimmy Kimmel”
One last thought: Did anyone else notice how “cuddly” the women were with each other this week?
My Hometown Guesses:
Britt, because I’m going to bet she’s the next Bachelorette.
Kaitlyn, because he still enjoyed her weird sense of humor.
Kelsey, because she’s adorable.
Becca, because she’s still the America Sweetheart contestant (so far).