Tonight’s episode is the infamous “Women Tell All” reunion, where 17 contestants from this season return to discuss the events to date. Basically, the women argue with one another while Chris Harrison mediates.
Then the most memorable candidates are given time in the “hot seat,” otherwise known as the couch.
After about an hour and a half of this, Bachelor Chris will have to answer a few “tough questions” from the women most recently sent home: Britt, who gives free hugs on Hollywood Boulevard; Kaitlyn, who said Chris could “plow the f--- out of her anytime he wants,” and Jade, the fashion designer with an organic makeup line.
Before the “dramatic confrontations” start, we get to see a few of the “Bachelor viewing parties” that Chris Harrison and Bachelor Chris crash in Los Angeles. Bachelor Chris says that he hopes no one has a gun, and I hope he does decide to stay in Arlington, Iowa, because life in the big city just isn’t for him.
We begin with an introduction to the former contestants and their newly whitened teeth, red lips, dye jobs and extensions. In fact, even Chris Harrison got a fresh fade for this affair.
There are two reasons I would go on "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette," and the first is for a free makeover.
During this introduction, the audience cheers loudly for all of the women, even those I forgot were on this season. That is, until they get to Kelsey, the fourth-grade teacher who loves to use big words to make other people feel dumb. When her name is called, the studio is completely silent. Ouch.
Chris Harrison reveals a sizzle reel of “all of the drama” from this season, so that we can be reminded of what the women are about to argue with one another about. They dedicate a lot of time to Carly, the cruise-ship singer, saying terrible things about Britt behind her back, which leads us to the first interview in the “hot seat.”
HOT SEAT: BRITT
This is actually tough to watch, because, essentially, Britt ugly cries while wondering out loud why Carly doesn’t like her. She believed they were friends.
Some girl who was apparently on the show (Trina) and her long extensions interrupt multiple times to say things like, “This isn’t about being friends with the other women, it’s about Chris -- all while Carly and Britt just talk over each other.
Randomly, Jillian, the producer from D.C. who does cartwheels outside of the White House because she’s from D.C., deems it appropriate to go off on Carly. Finally, Chris tells her she’s “too jacked up,” and now tonight’s episode has got my attention.
As Carly continues to talk over Britt, Britt impresses everyone by saying, “You’ve pretty much narrated my love story for the past three weeks, can I just have a second to talk?”
To save you some time: after arguing for a good 15 minutes, nothing is resolved and Chris Harrison finally ends this by asking Britt if she thought that she and Bachelor Chris would still be together if not for Carly. Britt nods her head yes, while continuing to ugly cry.
After a commercial break, and before moving on, we’re given insight to a “private” conversation between Britt and Chris Harrison and I make a promise to myself that I will never cry on national television.
HOT SEAT: KELSEY
After reminding us that she’s crazy through a recap of her time on the show, Chris Harrison invites Kelsey to the stage, where she uses more big words to try and make us all feel dumb. During this recap, we repeat her finest moments: her “isn’t my story amazing” comment, her panic attack, her creepy laugh, her favorite big words and her time with Kardashian.
She appears to be crying, but I’m not totally sure if she is actually crying or just pretending to. In a valiant attempt to convince everyone she actually is, she asks Chris Harrison for a tissue. He gives her his pocket square, which is silk, and she loudly blows her nose into it, as the audience reacts with a collective “ewww.”
The only time I’ve blown my nose in front of a man is when I wanted him to get me another hot toddy, so I’m impressed she’s letting all of America see this.
Through tears and a runny nose, Kelsey tells the other women, “I wish I could be accepted, warts and all.” Her confession of having warts definitely trumps the nose blowing.
As Kelsey speaks, several of the women want to say something, and Chris Harrison doesn’t let them until she is finished. When they are finally given the opportunity to share their feelings, they certainly do.
The women take turns calling her “calculated,” “fake,” “condescending,” “rude” and a number of other medium-sized words so that everyone in the room can understand. After Kelsey is verbally beaten up, she asks the women for their forgiveness. Kardashian responds with “Wait… you’re up here, and where am I again?” alluding to a rude comment Kelsey made when they were both eliminated.
Girls play rough, y’all.
After a few more low blows, Kelsey tries to justify her “my story is amazing” comment with, “It’s amazing that I fell in love at 19. It’s amazing that we shared a life together. It’s amazing that I survived. It’s amazing that I’m ready for love.” I think to myself “It’s amazing that I can watch this sober.”
HOT SEAT: ASHLEY S.
I have to be honest, I wasn’t sure what to expect with her, but I laughed very loudly at this interview. Regardless of if it’s an act or not, Ashley S. is hilarious.
Anna Kendrick tweeted, “ASHLEY S WILL YOU PLEASE COACH ME FOR ALL FUTURE TV INTERVIEW THIS IS NOT A JOKE” and I wish I had thought of that first, because it was really that good. If you didn’t watch, I highly recommend you Google this part of the show, because it was that entertaining.
We see the video recap of her time on the season, and they really emphasize all of the times that Ashley S. took too many Ambien.
As she approaches the stage, she hands Chris Harrison an onion and tells him that she has started growing her own onions since being made fun for her onion comments on the show. Get it, girl.
After that, she continues with more hilarious one-liners. She makes a silly remark about Mesa Verde and you can’t tell if this is for real or just an act. Remember the show “The Newlyweds” with Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey? Ashley S. is Jessica Simpson. When Chris Harrison asks her what she was doing when she left the mansion to wonder around, she responds with, “I was so bored, honestly, so I just wanted to go explore.”
Chris Harrison continues the interview with, “You started talking to the cats. What were the cats saying?” After a moment of thought, Ashley S. says, “It was just one cat, and it didn’t reply.”
She is then asked, “Who is the real Ashley S?” to which she responds, “I like to ride bikes and this is me… While they were all crying I was outside picking pomegranates.”
For the first time in "Bachelor" history, Chris Harrison asks a former contestant -- Ashley S. obviously -- to join "Bachelor in Paradise." Ashley S. looks around for a couple of minutes while the crowd chants “do it!” and she says, “It’s so weird.”
When Chris Harrison asks, “What is?” she tells us, “just that we’re all on TV.”
Seriously… comedy gold. Google it. You can thank me later.
HOT SEAT: JADE
I like Jade, but this was really boring. Long story short, they talk about Jade showing Bachelor Chris her Playboy photos and video. Jade tells us that she believed him when he told her that it didn’t bother him -- until she was sent home and read his blog, where he confesses it was “awkward” for him to see. The only thing I can think is, “people actually read a blog this guy writes?”
Jade cries and Chris Harrison tells us she will have the opportunity to ask Bachelor Chris herself in a few minutes.
HOT SEAT: KAITLYN
Kaitlyn spends a lot of time telling us that she generally covers up all emotions by resorting to humor, and that this was the first time she was vulnerable with her feelings. Next season, I am going to suggest everyone play the game, “Every time someone says ‘vulnerable’ you have to drink.”
Kaitlyn makes a valid point that it’s hard enough to go through a breakup, but watching the courtship and breakup on TV is tough. "Who watches themselves get heartbroken? I can pinpoint the moment it broke. When he called Whitney’s name. And I’ve had to experience that more than once.”
All jokes aside, if I had to watch myself going through a breakup after it had all happened, I would require a lot of tequila.
HOT SEAT: PRINCE FARMING
The second that Bachelor Chris steps onto the stage, Britt starts crying and the cameras pan in on her. Remember she has a really ugly cry, so I feel for her. Chris Harrison asks if she would like to say anything to Bachelor Chris and she walks to the stage, where they hug for an awkward amount of time.
Britt tells Bachelor Chris that she understands how he was tricked by Carly because she was, too, and Carly cries. Bachelor Chris says that he made the decision on his own, but secretly we all know Britt is pumped that she got to have the last word on Carly. Britt tells Bachelor Chris he’s “super” and they hug again before she returns to her seat.
After Britt is Kaitlyn, who asks why he made her stand through that whole rose ceremony, knowing he was going to send her home. She reminds him he showed that courtesy to Becca and also that Andi (a previous Bachelorette, where Chris was a contestant) had shown it to him. I’m proud of all of these women for their sharp blows.
Chris responds with, “This is my first time being the Bachelor,” and that may be the winner for line of the night. Except, he outdoes himself later.
After Bachelor Chris sighs and twitches through a pseudo-response to Kaitlyn, it’s Jade’s turn.
Jade makes her way to the couch with Bachelor Chris, where she asks him what for the actual reason he sent her home. She tells him she was offended when he called looking at her nude photos and stripper video "awkward" on his blog that I still can’t believe people read.
He tells her that it was awkward because he’s never looked at nude photos with someone he’s dated before. Further proof he’s a boring boyfriend. He tells her that when they were “dating...alls I got to see was a conservative girl and not a wild mustang” and I again wonder where he went to college because “alls” isn’t a word.
He goes on to babble through how she would have likely felt uncomfortable, too, had the roles been reversed. I have to be honest here; if Playboy asked me to pose nude for them, I would be honored and tell everyone in the world -- Including all future suitors -- to look at them because it would mean I’m super hot.
Chris’ best line from “The Women Tell All:” “You’re kinda throwing darts at the dartboard in the dart. I mean dark.”
Next Monday is the three-hour finale, where Bachelor Chris will (maybe) propose to Becca, America’s Sweetheart who I think is the next Bachelorette despite all of my friends telling me I’m wrong, or Whitney, the fertility nurse who should have been a Disney princess. See you then!