Now, look, I sometimes miss the "Dancing With the Stars" results shows because I feel that eliminations are a little rushed when they're the same night as the competition. But I don't miss two-hour results shows.
The biggest news of the night is that Maks has shaved off his beard. This pleases me greatly.
They're taking a slightly different approach than in the past, making a point of showing us the judges' reactions while the dance is going on, even subtitling them for us to be clear we get it all. Also, they're putting up tweets from the judges.
We see Lindsay Arnold warning Calvin Johnson not to pay attention to the pre-dance clip package while he's in the ballroom. That's good advice and something I bet most of the pros tell their stars. We get a nice close-up of Calvin's sister's reaction in the audience to his first dance.
OK, I do like that they're playing us some of the mic audio from the dancers while they dance. It's nice to hear things like Lindsay reminding Calvin when and where the camera is.
When they're showing Amber Rose and Maks Chmerkovskiy's performance from Week 1, they don't show us any of the judges' live reactions. Hmmm. During the replay of last night's dance we see a clearer view of her foot getting stuck in the curtain sash that was part of the set.
We learn that Sasha "Woo!"s a lot when he's doing a jive. Terra's husband is shown telling his seatmate, "I kind of wanted a wardrobe malfunction." Newlyweds!
Erin tells us that Sasha is a practical joker and we see a clip of Sasha bonking Terra on the butt with a balance ball while she's on the phone in the studio. Terra got revenge by hiding up above a door as Sasha enters and catches him in the face with the same ball. Harsh!
Rick Perry's backstage audio requires bleeping! During their Week 1 routine, Emma is heard counting off the beat for a lot of the dance. Bruno looks like he's in pain having to watch. Before Week 2's performance, Rick gets a big hug from his granddaughter and she looks like a real cutie. She's shown clapping along in the audience as grandpa dances. After the dance, his wife, Anita, says he has no more excuses for not dancing with her now.
During Maureen McCormick's Week 1 performance, Bruno can be heard saying, "The arm! Ugh!" I'm really enjoying hearing and seeing their spontaneous reactions. Maureen's partner, Artem Chigventsev, seems to talk to her a little bit in the beginning of her Week 2 performance but not much during the rest of it.
During Marilu Henner's Week 1 jive, we see a tweet onscreen from Gary Busey. Oooohkay. Bruno asks Derek Hough about that jive, "Could you have put any more steps in that?" Marilu says of Len's "8" score from last night that it's like a "10" from anyone else, so she's happy.
Bruno can be heard saying, "Oh bless! Oh no!" during the end of Jake Austin's Week 1 routine. He makes more disappointed noises when Jake misses a step last night. I do like that Bruno seems upset FOR the contestants rather than AT them.
So apparently Vanilla Ice has a "signature V" hand gesture — picture the Vulcan greeting, but with your index and pinky fingers bent at the knuckles. And, as it turns out, the only other cast member that's able to do it is Rick Perry. So he's got that going for him. (The hand gesture is harder than you think — try it and see.)
Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds had that slinky big band foxtrot in Week 1 and the judges liked it even if Bruno says "oops" when Kenneth takes a wrong step. A tweet from Jennifer Hudson shows up congratulating Kenneth on his Week 1 performance. Bobby Brown tweets about Week 2. After that performance, Kenneth says, "I can do so much better" and Allison Holker assures him he can but reassures him she's really proud of his good performance so far.
Jana Kramer wins accolades from the other contestants in the skybox for her Week 1 performance. Her pro partner, Gleb Savchenko, is very encouraging when she's doubting herself backstage last week. She's upset with herself again after a mistake Monday night and Gleb is again very encouraging. Jana asks Tom if he and Erin like each other because her grandmother is worried they don't. Tom and Erin assure us and grandma that they like one another very much. If their social media accounts are any indication they do seem to genuinely like each other and have a good time goofing around.
And now, we get clips of Gleb's past career as an underwear model. This show meets my needs. He's standing in a stream near a waterfall wearing blue briefs and they make me laugh when they superimpose a mirror ball over the fly area.
Vanilla Ice's Week 1 performance had Bruno grinning from ear to ear. Vanilla Ice tells Witney afterwards that he loved hearing the crowd roar when he took the floor. During last night's performance, he misses a step and his mic picks up that he immediately confesses to Witney "I [expletive] it up." So many of these stars are perfectionists, but I guess that goes some way to explaining their success and their acclimation to life in the public eye.
Now it's time for Ryan Lochte and Cheryl Burke and their Week 1 performance. And for the first time we get a clear look at the face of the man who came onto the ballroom floor to charge Ryan. I will applaud the judges for remaining cool and staying in their seats and letting security handle the situation. And now during last night's performance, Bruno and Julianne are talking to each other and pointing out Ryan's missteps as he dances.
Val Chmerkovskiy and Laurie Hernandez are backstage right before their Week 1 performance and Val reminds her that the most important thing is to have fun. Then they hear the commotion out on the floor and we hear Val trying to tell her what happened and then get her in the zone for her own performance. I like that we get a glimpse backstage of Laurie afterward and it's clear she's changed into flats. Heh.
To begin the second hour they show the scoreboard with the combined scores from both weeks. If you need a reminder, here it is:
Laurie & Val: 63
James & Sharna: 60
Jana & Gleb: 56
Kenneth (Babyface) & Allison: 56
Marilu & Derek: 56
Terra & Sasha: 56
Calvin & Lindsay: 54
Rob (Vanilla Ice) & Witney: 51
Amber & Maks: 48
Maureen & Artem: 48
Ryan & Cheryl: 48
Jake & Jenna: 46
Rick & Emma: 42
Right off the bat, we're told Laurie & Val are safe and then that SURPRISE! Rick & Emma are safe. So that's top and bottom out of the way. This makes elimination more interesting. Good job building suspense, producers!
The montage of interviews with the male stars isn't very interesting, except for Calvin Johnson saying that he may have been the only wide receiver in the NFL not to have his own touchdown dance. Oh, and Ryan Lochte sounding more contrite than I've ever heard him before about what happened in Rio. He actually uses the words "irresponsible" and "immature" to refer to himself. Hey, look at someone becoming self aware and/or finally having a publicist get through to him.
Tom asks Julianne what she thinks of the results so far. She says that Laurie and Val weren't a surprise but seems to credit Emma for the surprising success of her and Rick.
Marilu and Derek are safe. The first couple in jeopardy is Maureen and Artem. Awww. Babyface and Allison are safe. I still can't get used to her as a brunette, even though it seems to be her natural color. Ryan and Cheryl are in jeopardy. Based on scores, that's not a surprise.
Now we get the montage about why the female stars decided to take part in the competition. Nothing particularly revelatory, just a reminder that Laurie has had two dreams since she was a little kid: compete in the Olympics as a gymnast and be on "Dancing with the Stars."
Now it's time for Charlie Booth to perform his hit song "We Don't Talk Anymore" with Daya instead of Selena Gomez. Val and Sharna dance while he sings. It's a contemporary number, or at least I'm guessing that because Sharna's barefoot.
It seems that James was nowhere to be found backstage just now and Erin discovered him hiding to check the hockey World Cup game between Canada and the U.S. He's Canadian — he can't help it. But, wait, isn't Vanilla Ice Canadian too? What's his position on hockey? No, wait. That's Snow. Why do I always get those two confused?
More results: Calvin & Lindsay are safe. So are Vanilla Ice & Witney. James & Sharna are also safe. Jake & Jenna are in jeopardy. Given that he was next to last, that's not a surprise.
Daya is back to sing her own song this time. She gets four dancers but the only one I recognize off the bat is Artem.
Now there's a montage about the return of Derek, Maks and Cheryl as pros this year. Derek says his favorite thing about being on the show is coaching. The other pros talk about how the return of these three raises their game. Now that Maks has shaved his facial hair off, can he show Derek how to do it too? And now Derek, Cheryl and Maks do a number together. It's very serious and has a lot of tango elements. It looks like Derek and Maks are partnered with troupe members and Cheryl might be with Gleb?
Maks seems to be grabbing Tom's butt at the end of their interview and then turns around and proffers his own derriere for payback. Bruno will be furiously screencapping that later, I'm sure.
Gavin DeGraw is back tonight to perform a new song from a new album. But he still has the same hat welded to his head. Perhaps a medical professional is needed to remove it?
So now the last three couples are up to hear their safe/jeopardy results: Terra & Sasha are safe, Amber and Maks are in jeopardy and Jana and Gleb are safe.
That's four couples in jeopardy! They want to make them sweat.
First of the four "in jeopardy" couples announced safe is Maureen and Artem. Also returning next week: Amber and Maks. So is it Jake and Jenna or Ryan and Cheryl getting the boot? Poor Jake, he looks like he's about to cry. The ballroom seems more excited about Ryan than Jake, so I fear for the kid's chances.
The first couple eliminated this season is Jake and Jenna. Poor Jenna — this isn't a great rookie season for her as a pro. I wonder if Jake would've done better with a more experienced pro? We'll never know...