Welcome back to "Bachelor in Paradise!" On Monday night's episode, we return to the cocktail party, where Ashley I., the virgin who cries a lot and loves Jared in a really creepy way, is still in hysterics because watching Jared, “Love Man” from Kaitlyn’s season, be with Caila, the almost Bachelorette who should just spell her name Kayla like a normal person, is “the worst thing that could ever happen" to her. I kind of feel like Chris Harrison after that intro.
I want to say something about being bothered by how insecure Ashley is, but can you really be insecure if you’re letting people see you ugly cry so hard over a man who blatantly doesn’t want to be with you for three seasons in a row?
Nick Viall, a 35-year-old who has been rejected by Andi Dorfman, Kaitlyn Bristowe and "Dancing With the Stars," says he’s sick of seeing Ashley cry over Jared and I laugh out loud because the world is sick of seeing Nick try to find love on national TV.
Jared and Ashley have the same conversation we’ve watched them have way too many times. Jared says he doesn’t love her romantically; Ashley asks if he’s sure, Jared says yes, Ashley howls, Jared consoles her and then walks away only to (presumably) return later when it’s convenient for him.
This time, when he walks away, he walks straight to Caila, the almost Bachelorette who should just spell her name Kayla like a normal person, to emphatically tell her that he wants to be with her before kissing her as though he’s a pecking chicken. Naturally, Ashley watches as this all happens and we hear her wail her way back to her makeup bag.
Carly, the former cruise ship karaoke singer from Chris Soules’ season, decides that she is actually into Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist, and when she tells him that, he pounces on her for a kiss. Probably so he doesn’t have to fake another Mexican hospital visit.
The rest of the couples remain the same — Josh Murray, the suitor Andi Dorfman chose over Nick Viall after his first try at this show, and Amanda, the single mom from Orange County and Ben’s season; Grant, the firefighter who is actually probably a stripper who dresses up like a firefighter from JoJo’s season, and Lace, the self-proclaimed “crazy girl” and drunk from Ben’s season; Vinny, the barber whose mom showed up at “The Men Tell All” to tell everyone he’s single, and Izzy, who was sent home the first night of Ben’s season so no one knows who she is or why she’s here; Nick, a 35-year-old who has been rejected by Andi Dorfman, Kaitlyn Bristowe and "Dancing With the Stars" and Jen, the biggest fake boobs Nick has ever touched in his (long) run on this franchise.
The only man who isn’t paired up with someone other than his own ego is Daniel, the male model who doesn’t look like a male model — and he is very excited about this, calling himself “more important than the pope.” The “still single” women in paradise apparently have the same mentality, as one by one they try to woo him.
Sarah, who was sent home from Sean Lowe’s season and "Bachelor in Paradise," making this her third try at love on this franchise, is first and she brings him half of a cake to celebrate his half-birthday. I didn’t know people over the age of 8 did this. Sarah tries what sounds like could be dirty talk, but she should have done what every other girl does and asked her more promiscuous friends to help with what to say.
The twins, who no one can tell apart, decide their attempt at winning Daniel’s rose is to have one of them kiss him. I honestly have no idea which one does, but one of them agrees and makes the move. Except it’s like she is kissing her gay BFF after she’s already seen him three times that day.
Daniel’s next conversation is with Ashley, who, if you can believe it, is still crying. Daniel tells Ashley that since she’s a virgin she should date 10 guys and “slut it up a little bit” — and I have to admit, I kind of agree.
As expected, all of the couples remain the same after roses are offered and accepted. Grant and Lace, Josh and Amanda, Nick and Jen, Vinny and Izzy, and Jared and Caila.
As the roses are being handed out, Ashley narrates about how much she hates Caila. Mostly because she smiles too much, which is a totally legitimate reason to hate another person.
The final rose is, of course, for Daniel to offer, and out of nowhere he gives it to Haley (one of the twins), which means Emily (the other twin) is also around for another week because they’re a package deal for a reason I still haven't figured out.
Sarah leaves in tears, and I would feel badly for her except that she is killing it right now in LA raising money for her charity, receiving awards and hosting events with other admirable women. All of which can be seen and supported by following her on Instagram.
Ashley also leaves in tears but there’s nothing notable about that.
Amanda, the single mom from Orange County and Ben’s season, offers the toast, “Cheers to another week in paradise,” while Ashley ugly cries her way home … or until she asks the car to stop so she can wipe her tears, refresh her makeup (again) and get out. Ashley puts on more makeup in one day than I have in 31 years.
The car obliges and Ashley thinks it’s a good idea to head back down the stairs.
As she returns, Nick says, “Come on, Ash,” and again, they should have chosen a better spokesperson for someone whose issues we’re tired of watching.
Ashley basically tells the group that she’s over Jared and wants to come back to paradise with an open mind to potentially finding love with someone else. This is about as believable as people who claim to have gluten allergies, but the twins buy it and everyone else takes a drink of their Champagne. I guess this means Ashley gets to stay in paradise. Chad’s probably pissed.
The next morning, another person I don’t recognize walks down the stairs. This must have been a tough season to cast because we either have people who have been on the franchise 14 times or people no one knows.
Anyway, his name is Carl, which is unfortunate in itself, he looks like he’s a big fan of UFC and apparently was on Andi’s season. I wonder if he is team Nick or team Josh?
One of the twins falls in love with him in about eight seconds, which makes sense because he looks like he’s a big fan of UFC and the twins live in Las Vegas.
Carl shows her the date card and, even without reading it, asks her to go out, which is how I imagine dating goes in Las Vegas. Especially after a UFC fight.
Right after she agrees, Brett, another guy from Andi’s season I don’t remember, arrives with a lamp in hand. I guess that’s what he did when he got out of the limo to meet Andi, and since that worked so well (or, like, not at all) he is giving it another go. He must be team Nick.
All of the women, including those in “relationships,” are excited at Brett’s arrival, but Izzy, who is Vinny’s “girlfriend,” really can’t contain her feelings. She describes Brett as her perfect type. Izzy’s about as bright as a burned-out bulb, so this makes sense.
Brett is smart enough to open and read the date card, which says, “Your date also leaves in one hour, choose wisely.” I guess the “also” implies that the date is a double date with him, his date, Carl and a twin.
Brett decides to take Caila, the almost Bachelorette who should just spell her name Kayla like a normal person, away to chat despite knowing she has a “relationship” with Jared. Brett then talks to Ashley, who encourages him to ask whomever he wants on a date — basically because she wants him to ask Caila out so Jared is available again.
Brett decides to ask Caila out and she agrees. Until she talks to Jared.
Jared tells her he doesn’t want her to go on the date but that he hopes she’ll make the decision that’s best for her, which is like when your parents say they’re not mad at you, they’re just disappointed.
Caila decides that she’s going to stay with Jared and not go on the date with Brett. When Jared gets overly excited, she changes her mind and is going on the date with Brett. Until she goes to tell Brett yes again. Then she changes her mind and says she’s going to stay with Jared.
But wait, then she says “never mind” and wants to go on the date with Brett again. JK, she changes her mind again and is going to stay for Jared. Psych — she’s going on the date with Brett.
This is kind of how I feel on Sunday mornings when I’m trying to decide between coffee and Champagne. Except way worse.
The double date for Carl, the wannabe UFC fighter, and Emily, one of the twins no one can tell apart, and Caila and Brett, the guy who showed up with a lamp after it failed him in his first attempt at finding love on this franchise, is a booze cruise, so they’re essentially just bringing the concept of paradise onto a boat.
After one Jell-O shot, Carl and Emily are fornicating while Brett and Caila are regretting the decision that took an hour to make about going on this date. Caila even tells Brett she has been thinking about Jared and now we know why she was replaced last minute by JoJo for "The Bachelorette." An entire season of this would have been torturous. Hell, 10 minutes of this has been torturous.
Back on the island, just as Ashley calls Caila a “backstabbing whore” to Jared, the group date returns. Caila pulls Jared aside to tell him she went on the date because she felt like she should and not because she wanted to. Jared understands and kisses Caila as Ashley watches. Naturally, Ashley is crying, yet again, at this scene.
After being “dumped” by Caila, Brett decides to go after the twin who wasn’t dry-humping Carl on the booze cruise.
Before I can even pretend to remember the names of the two new men in paradise, another stranger arrives. This guy, Ryan B., at least knows he’s a stranger and admits he’s “remembered for not being remembered” on Kaitlyn’s season.
After he introduces himself to the group, Ryan reads his date card, which says, “It’s paradise, so even you get a one-on-one date. Make some memories.” I think that’s Chris Harrison’s attempt at a joke?
This is like a class reunion for Nick with Andi and Kaitlyn’s discards joining him to compete for the same women. Again.
Ryan confesses he’s inexperienced in paradise and asks his “friend" Jared (who was also on Kaitlyn’s season) for advice. Jared encourages Ryan to take Ashley I. out because he wants Ashley to leave him alone, but says it’s because she’s a great girl. Ryan says he’ll consider Ashley and Haley, one of the twins.
When Ryan takes Ashley aside she tells him that she is obsessed with Jared because he is flawless. Obviously, this sends him running straight into Haley’s arms. Ryan asks Haley out and she says yes, which leads Daniel, the male model who doesn’t look like a male model, to say some weird things about being a “papa bear” who is going to get his “pigeon” (Haley) back.
Ryan, who knows he isn’t memorable, and Haley, one of the twins, head toward a waterfall where they are greeted by two horses that they are going to ride. Haley talks about how amazing Ryan is while Ryan rides his horse about a mile ahead of her, which makes Ryan uninterested and therefore not amazing.
At the resort, Grant, the firefighter who is actually probably a stripper who dresses up like a firefighter from JoJo’s season, tells Lace, the self-proclaimed “crazy girl” and drunk from Ben’s season, that he wants to do something nice for her and that she should be ready in 30 minutes. I’m concerned this won’t be enough time for her to get the buzz she requires to be around other people.
After she’s chugged a bottle of tequila and put on another layer of eyelashes, Grant takes Lace to get a couple’s massage. She talks the whole time, which defeats the entire purpose of a relaxing massage, and this is why I’ll never take a boyfriend to do something I enjoy doing alone — he'll ruin it.
After their massage, they sip Champagne in the hot tub so Lace doesn’t lose her high and Grant tells Lace he loves her. She squeals and asks, “What is it about me that you love?” which does not translate to, “I love you, too.” He mumbles something he heard from a Nicholas Sparks movie and she responds with, “More Champagne please.” Obviously.
The other twosome that is expected to make it down the aisle — Vinny and Izzy — are talking about their relationship. While Vinny waxes poetic about how great his relationship with Izzy is, Izzy reiterates to Lace that her perfect man would look like Brett.
That night, Izzy decides to ask Brett if he wants to chat in a cabana right in front of Vinny. She tells Brett that she hadn’t expected to want to date another person in paradise until he walked down the stairs. After this confession, they hug and Izzy turns back to Vinny to tell him she’s unsure of their relationship. She tells him that she hasn’t been attracted to anyone else in paradise until Brett got there. She says Brett made her stomach flip. Vinny says he didn’t see this coming and he’s really hurt. He thinks its mind-blowing and he can’t believe she did this, and I wonder if Vinny’s mom will continue her cameo streak and be the guest on "After Paradise" on Tuesday night.
The next morning, as Izzy sleeps in late, the rest of the cast talks about how terrible it was for her to decide that she wasn’t totally into Vinny anymore because she saw what Brett looked like.
Vinny decides he wants to give Izzy one more chance to explain herself and we get a "TO BE CONTINUED…"
Sarah, who was sent home from Sean Lowe’s season and "Bachelor in Paradise," making this her third try at love on this franchise.
Ashley I., except not really.
LINE OF THE NIGHT
“Brett came in with a lamp and Caila flipped the switch on Jared” – Evan.
As always, tell me what you think on Twitter or Snapchat @abbydraper. See you tomorrow night!