'The Bachelorette' recap: Zero upsets in Rachel's Final Four
For The Baltimore Sun|
Jul 11, 2017 | 8:45 AM
After a week off, "The Bachelorette" is back. This week, Rachel and the remaining six men — Eric, Dean, Peter, Bryan, Matt and Adam — head to Geneva, Switzerland, and I have a moment of nostalgia for "The Princess Diaries" with Anne Hathaway.
Rachel calls Geneva picturesque, and I'm pretty sure she means super Instagrammable.
It's the last week before hometowns, so the remaining men know they need to step their game up. We've only seen a couple of them all season, so I'm not exactly sure if they have game, but I guess we'll find out.
We learn right away that there won't be a rose ceremony this week, but three one-on-one dates and a three-on-one group date. Rachel will send two suitors home during these four dates.
FIRST ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Rachel meets the men in their hotel room and asks Bryan, who is way too old to be on this show, if he will join her for the first one-on-one. He changes into a navy suit and brown belt — the Nick Viall Round 4 look — and the rest of the men aren't pleased with how much alone time he's had with Rachel. At the same time, I'm not pleased I will have to watch them kiss again.
Rachel surprises Bryan with a Bentley convertible that he will drive for the day because she likes to "treat her men right" and that's how you do it when you come from money. Or when someone else pays for it.
In Rachel's world, treating a man right not only means a Bentley, but buying him an expensive watch in Geneva — because in reality TV love, money can buy happiness.
With brand new bling, they exchange the Bentley for a wooden boat shaped like a clog.
Back at the hotel, the second one-on-one date card arrives and Eric, a personal trainer who definitely chugs protein shakes while yelling, "lower!" when making you do lunges, reads, "Dean, put on your Sunday best. Rachel."
Once their clog ride is over, Rachel and Bryan sit down for dinner. They talk about past relationships and it's boring so I take a Facebook quiz to find out who my best friend is (it told me it was my dad, if you were wondering) and when I look up from my results, Bryan has the rose.
Rachel tells Dean, the guy who said, "Once I go black I'll never go back" at "After the Final Rose," that they are going to a French-speaking Catholic mass. Neither of them is a French-speaking Catholic so I can see how this would be fun. JK, I don't understand at all.
After church, they go for a walk and stop in the middle of the cobblestone street to dance. Rachel claims she loves that Dean is so playful and I am just incredibly grateful I don't ever have to date a 25-year-old again.
Through the entire date, Dean is feeling very nervous to tell Rachel about his family as they're "not traditional." No clue what that means, and knowing the franchise, we won't learn until next week.
Rachel tells Dean that she asked him on a second one-on-one date because she wants them to get to know each other better. She suggests that he asks her questions to do so. His opener is, "Do you believe in the tooth fairy," and this is exactly why I'm incredibly grateful I don't ever have to date a 25-year-old again.
His next question is, "What's your favorite dinosaur?" and I don't think I need to repeat myself here.
While Dean continues to play 20 questions, toddler version, the third one-on-one date card has arrived at the hotel. Bryan reads, "Peter, we're at the peak of our relationship. Rachel."
Shockingly, Rachel is still interested in Dean and they've made it to dinner. She tells him she feels like something is off and he just giggles until finally confessing that he has been nervous because if she meets his family it's only his dad, who he describes as "eccentric."
I'm not totally sure what that means, but I guess it's good enough for Rachel because she gives him the rose. Dean has made it to hometowns.
THIRD ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Peter, who is definitely the Shawn Booth of this season, meets Rachel in a field next to a helicopter. She tells him they are going to the Swiss Alps, and I suddenly have a life goal of taking a hot guy to Switzerland. Said hot guy is going to have to make a lot of money for this to happen, but I'm cool with that.
They land on top of "Glacier 3000," which sounds like the name of a rap album, and take a ride on a dog sled through the Swiss Alps. See above paragraph. Same feelings.
As Peter's hair freezes and Rachel shivers, Peter tells her that he's thought about going home a few times because he doesn't like her dating other men. Remember when I said he was the Shawn Booth of this season? Rachel isn't crazy about this, but he's perfect Peter, so who cares if he doesn't want to be here. He's under contract.
At dinner, Peter cries because he ruined a great love in his last relationship and in turn, confesses that if he isn't totally into Rachel at the end, he wouldn't propose.
So, he's the next Bachelor.
Either way, she offers the rose, he accepts — Peter is on his way to hometowns.
GROUP DATE CARD
Dean reads, "Eric, Matt, Adam, tomorrow will be difficult. I don't know what else to say," which is basically like me giving up on a witty Instagram caption because I just want to post the photo at a key engagement time.
Rachel greets each of the men as they arrive and shares that they are taking a boat to France. I think I just decided I'm moving to Geneva.
When they get to France, they open a bottle of Champagne, because, get it?
After Adam, the guy who brought a doll he named Adam Jr., toasts the group, Rachel asks to spend some alone time with Eric. It's as boring to watch as that sentence was to read.
Matt, who we honestly haven't seen since he showed up in a penguin costume on night one, is next and Rachel cries while she tells him he's in the friend zone before sending him home. I don't really understand why she's crying because the only thing I know about Matt is that he wore a penguin costume on night one.
After Matt leaves, Eric and Adam have dinner with Rachel. Adam confesses to Rachel that he wants to be the one for her. Eric then confesses that he's from the streets of Baltimore and grew up around a lot of bad things.
Rachel says, "I have one more rose to hand out this week and it's huge," and I laugh because all of the roses are the same size.
Rachel decides to offer Eric the rose and Adam heads home to Adam Jr. the doll.