'The Bachelor' recap: Arie says 'I love you' to two too many women during fantasy suite week

It’s the week of “The Bachelor” we’ve all been waiting for: fantasy suites! Or rather, it’s the night Arie and the women have been waiting for. It’s down to Kendall, Becca K. and Lauren B., who don’t have anything in common except their looks and, well, their boyfriend.

Oh, yeah … and the gang’s in Peru!


Kendall’s Date

Because Arie thinks Kendall is so #alternative, he takes her on a dune buggy date in the desert. It’s the perfect metaphor for a relationship, because of all the ups and downs, says Arie. If you’re like me, you’ve wondered about the authenticity of Kendall’s quirks — mainly, taxidermy. I have to admit that her “manic pixie dream girl” image has felt a bit contrived. But when Kendall says that she wants to make sure Arie isn’t just dating her for her quirks, and that she wants him to see past that, I really believe her.

Arie must be feeling comfortable with her too, because he chows down during their picnic lunch and dinner date. This is such a small thing, but I’m still not over the fact that we’re finally seeing people eat on “The Bachelor.” I don’t know what this says about me, but it’s probably my favorite thing about Arie, because, as we all know, Arie’s boring. Which makes me skeptical about his relationship with Kendall — like, he needs to latch on to an interesting woman to feel like he has more of a personality himself? Something about it doesn’t sit right with me.


For all of Kendall’s hemming and hawing about Arie getting to know her true self, I’m wondering why she doesn’t take a moment to wonder if she’s getting to know the real Arie. And if she did, would she even like him?

When Arie gives the fantasy suite card to Kendall after dinner, she immediately accepts. And, the next morning, Kendall admits she’s falling for Arie, who reciprocates.

Lauren B.’s Date

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This is my favorite date of the night. For a couple who’s so quiet together, they provide some great narration. The two take a helicopter ride (classic “Bachelor”) to check out the Peruvian “geoglyphs,” which are apparently large-scale designs (of dogs?) formed into rocks. I had to pause and rewind three times and turn on closed-captioning just to make sure I heard Arie right. And apparently he wasn’t too sure about it either, because he hesitated before saying “geoglyphs” every time.

Arie and Lauren B. are always either silent or talking about why Lauren B. isn’t talking. During the span of this single day, Arie goes from saying “If I’m reassuring her the whole time, I’m not really getting to know her” to “I love you.” What?? You just said you don’t know her!! And I am shocked that out of all of the things Lauren B. can’t or doesn’t say, she is totally comfortable saying “I love you” back. But according to Lauren B., they just have this “unspoken connection.” I bet.

Their makeout sesh, leading into their night in the fantasy suite, is set to a cover of LeAnn Rimes’ “How Do I Live?” which sounds ever so slightly off that it’s unsettling. But maybe that’s just them. The morning after, Lauren B. calls their night together their “night of conversations.” Uhuh.

Becca’s K.’s Date

This date is pretty boring … as boring as a date on a catamaran be. The exciting part comes after the date. More on that in a sec. In his talk-to-camera interview, Arie calls his relationship with Becca K. his “safest and most comfortable relationship” out of all the women. He also calls her “literally perfect.” If you’re thinking there’s no way Arie won’t propose to Becca K., please remember that he just told another woman he loved her approximately 24 hours before. But that doesn’t stop him from dropping the “L word” in response to Becca K.’s profession of love.

Because everything’s going so perfectly (minus the context of the rest of the show) the producers throw Becca K.’s ex at her. The two apparently broke up a year ago, but here Ross is proposing to Becca K. like it’s a grand romantic gesture, and not a ploy to get on TV. He keeps saying that he didn’t think he’d find her. Yeah right — like he individually decided to hop on a plane to a foreign country to scavenge for an ex-girlfriend. The producers probably flew him up in business class.

The whole situation is awkward, but the worst part is when Ross says he was hoping they’d turn out like the couple in “The Notebook.” I’m sorry, did he even watch that movie?? That’s not something you should wish for. Becca K. quickly shoots Ross down, but the encounter leaves a lasting impression on Arie. He’s left wondering if this means his relationship with Becca K. will be undermined by her last (seven-year) relationship.


Rose Ceremony

The rose ceremony takes place in a cobblestone driveway, which makes for a quick getaway for the eliminated contestant as long as her heels don’t break off before she can get in the car. Arie pulls Kendall aside for the gazillionth time, but this time it’s to send her home. He gives Becca K. and Lauren B. roses, meaning he’ll have to decide between them during the finale next week. Or will he!?!