Lauren’s busy being ~fancy~ in NYC, so it’s just me again this week for your “Bachelor” recap. Don’t worry, we can be fancy too, because this week’s episode takes place in Paris! Break out your baguettes and wine, this one’s a doozy (insert French translation here).
First One-on-One with Lauren B.
Arie and Lauren B. begin their date by walking through the streets of Paris silently. Funny, she wasn’t this awkward on Ben Higgins’ season. Their conversation is just basically Arie asking questions and Lauren B. responding with one-word answers. But, let’s be honest. This is a weird situation —her first date with a guy in a foreign country is being filmed for national television. Maybe Lauren B. acting uncomfortable just means she’s authentic?
Lauren B. opens up about her past and her current reservations during the dinner portion of their date. But the real takeaway here is that Arie’s ex miscarried with his child. Years ago, when Arie was away during peak racing season, his ex, who had kids from a previous relationship, called Arie to tell him that she’d lost the baby, and she wouldn’t be there when he got home. The topic of miscarriage, which has long been considered taboo, brings a dose of reality to the episode, and brings Lauren B. and Arie closer. Arie gives Lauren B. the rose.
Becca K., Millennial Bekah, Tia, Chelsea and Seinne (not to be confused with the Seine) disembark the ship (house boat with a Napoleon complex) where they’ve been staying and meet Arie at Moulin Rouge. I get really excited because, since I went there this summer, it’s basically like I was on “The Bachelor.” I break out of this delusion as soon as I see the skimpy costumes the girls have to wear while they perform for Arie. They’re basically wearing three feathers and a handful of crystals between the six of them.
Because Millennial Bekah is the only 22-year-old who can shine in a jetlagged cabaret performance while wearing a costume that could only be described as painful, she gets the rose. This means that, instead of relaxing in the audience with the other girls, she’ll have to put on another elaborate costume and dance with Arie in front of a live audience. Goody.
Bekah speculates about the possibility of Krystal going home if she’s on this week’s two-on-one. She says, “No one thought Trump would win the election. But lookie here.” Why does it feel political to state that Donald Trump is president?
Two-on-One With Kendall and Krystal
Kendall, the chill, likeable taxidermist, and Krystal, who describes herself as “fun wife material,” are the reluctant participants on this season’s first two-on-one date. Arie whisks the women away to the French countryside, to a french chateau built in the 1600s, where, despite the surroundings, Arie feels “awkward” and “anxious.” I feel awkward and anxious when I see two grown women accept Arie’s arms to make an unwieldy human chain that stumbles around the gardens of the french chateau. Was this really better than no PDA at all? They break off to lose each other in a hedge maze, which is the perfect metaphor for this date that ABC hoped for.
When Arie pulls Krystal aside, they talk about their fight last week the entire time. And, even though they kiss, because of course they do, it feels strained. Which must be why Krystal frantically tries to throw Kendall under the bus by saying she doesn’t think Kendall’s ready for a relationship. Arie tells Kendall about this the second they’re alone. Exactly what did Krystal think would happen?
In what seems surprisingly compassionate for a woman who takes pleasure in the dead bodies of animals, Kendall scoots over to Krystal and tries to bond with her. She even calls her “beautiful.” Kill her with kindness, Kendy. Krystal is dead inside and tells Kendall she doesn’t need her advice.
Because there is a God, Arie sends Krystal home without a hug and, obviously, a rose.
Second One-on-One with Jacqueline
Jacqueline, who likens Arie to a pony she needs to learn how to ride or he’ll get shot (this sounds even weirder than I remember) gets the second one-on-one. Because we’ve gone a whole week without a car reference, the producers set them up with a lemon, just so it can break down in the streets of Paris. Arie gets to show off his car skillz by talking about fuel and … other car stuff. But with all his years of training, he’s unable to fix it, so they grab a taxi. Sad.
After a quick shopping spree, which just feels like a knock-off of Becca K.’s date earlier in the season, they settle down for fake dinner. Arie confesses that, when he first met Jacqueline, he was worried she was too smart for him.
He says that, in a way, they’re “really contrasting." And even though she has aspirations for a doctorate degree, and he wants to stay put in lush and beautiful Scottsdale, Ariz., Arie gives Jacqueline the rose.
No cocktail party makes for a quick elimination this week. Lauren B., Millennial Bekah and Jacqueline already have roses. Arie gives out the remaining roses to Tia, Seinne and Becca K. (in that order).
Are you happy Krystal’s gone? Or will you miss the drama? Let me know on Twitter @leighcmcdonald!