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'The Bachelor' recap: Wrestling with a bad one-on-one date and even more childhood trauma

It’s the start of the week, which means we just spent another hour of our lives watching the most boring man in America try to find love, aka “The Bachelor.” We don’t remember Arie being this dull during Emily Maynard’s season. Why is it that ABC strips away all personality from their leading men and women?

Like all the other weeks, it’s the contestants who carry this episode. Luckily, there are two group dates, which means double the drama!

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First group date

Arie takes the girls on a wrestling date and it is absolutely nothing like “GLOW.” Two ladies from the original series, Ursula Hayden and Angelina Altishin, try to show the girls some moves. It doesn’t go well. They criticize and belittle Bibiana and Raven’s friend, who quickly resort to crying. It’s like they don’t know that wrestling is acting. Which is ironic, considering their current job status.

Chris Harrison (we’re seeing a lot more of him this season) announces that Kenny the “Pretty Boy Pitbull” King (from Rachel’s season of “The Bachelorette”) has arrived to fight Arie, who has only watched one fight in his life. Kenny throws Arie around like a rag doll, which is alarming if you don’t understand the concept of wrestling. Chris Harrison names Arie the champion because this is “The Bachelor” and nothing is real (including wrestling).

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Millennial Bekah, the self-proclaimed “sex-kitten,” gets the group date rose for being such a good sport (read: looking so good in her leather bodysuit).

One-on-one date: Lauren S.

Arie takes one of the Laurens out for a spin on this week’s one-on-one. In his direct-to-camera interview, Arie calls her (Lauren S.) “mature.” Maybe that’s because she’s an age-appropriate 31, Arie!

This week starts out like the last — with more racing footage. If we were going to make a drinking game out of this episode, we’d tell you to take a shot every time someone says something about racing, Arie’s “pillow lips,” or when Chelsea refers to herself as “mysterious.”

We hate to call her out on this, but Lauren S.’s vocal fry is even worse than Krystal’s. We’re actually kind of worried. At one point Lauren S. and Arie are whispering to each other, and she sounds like she’s taking her last breath. Maybe there’s something going around the mansion?

Our sympathy vanishes when she says “I feel like tonight is a ride-or-die kind of night.” We don’t really know what “ride or die” means, but we’re pretty sure she’s not using it right.

Their dinner is so awkward that we start to feel badly for Lauren S. again. She’s clearly a nervous talker, which can’t be good for her vocal cords. Arie is so bored by her rambling that HE ACTUALLY EATS THE FOOD. This is not a drill!! This has got to be a “Bachelor” first. In all our years of watching, we’ve NEVER seen them eat the food. And it’s really annoying because it always looks SO good. This is probably the most interesting thing Arie’s done so far. Maybe he is the rule-breaking bad boy the ABC makes him out to be, after all.

At this point, your recapper Lauren (Lauren M.) gets really nervous watching this date and worries that this is exactly how she acts on dates too. Commence feeling sympathy for Lauren S. again.

It’s no surprise that Arie doesn’t give Lauren S. the rose. Lauren M. cries along with Lauren S. because by the time the segment is done, Lauren M. is pretty sure they are the same person. She’s on Reddit searching “How do you know if you talk too much on dates?”

Back at the mansion, Caroline is crying even though there are still two other Laurens for her to hang out with.

Second group date

The next group date is quite possibly the best thing that’s ever happened to “The Bachelor” — a dog-show-themed date! Everyone is excited except Annaliese, #BumperCarTrauma girl, who apparently doesn’t have a soul. We are starting to think that she should live in a protective bubble where cute dogs and carnival games can’t get to her. She is the reason millennials can’t have nice things.

The producers take karmic retribution into their own hands and give Annaliese the pooper-scooper job. They don’t just pixelate the dog poop, they black it out. Gratuitous tongue kissing is OK but dog poop crosses the line?!

At this point, babies are crying, dogs are barking and Chris Harrison and Fred Willard are cracking jokes that aren’t funny. Oh yeah, did we forget to tell you that Chris Harrison and Fred Willard are filling in as hosts for Arie during this dog show? If only the Kissing Bandit were as confident as his tongue.

Arie has some romantic daybed time with Becca K., the girl from last week’s rags-to-riches date. Arie tells her she looks hot in yoga pants. Becca K. tells him to kiss her but it’s a trap because she’s clearly sick. Hope you got your flu shot, Arie.

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On Monday night, we rallied through our New Year’s Eve hangovers to stay up and watch race car driver Arie Luyendyk Jr. meet the lucky ladies who will be competing for his heart. Race car puns ensue.

Chelsea, who interrupted Pillow Lips virgin Annaliese, gets the group date rose. We almost forgot about this beta villain! The other girls should be mad, but they’re too busy hating alpha-villain Krystal to notice.

Final cocktail party

The cocktail party is pretty dull, just like our leading man. He brings Raven’s friend moonshine and literal bales of hay because she is Southern and “The Bachelor” likes to reinforce stereotypes.

Arie tells Millennial Bekah that he feels like she is a risky choice for him. Yeah, Arie, we call that “jailbait.”

Annaliese makes one final go at Pillow Lips, but he rebukes her advances. It’s pretty telling, considering he’s made out with practically all the other women on the show. When Annaliese asks if this is going anywhere, Arie tells her no and walks her out of the mansion. Poor Annaliese. First the bumper cars, then the dogs and now this. Girl can’t catch a break.

Bibiana creates a romantic hideaway with candles and pillows, which Arie promptly uses to make out with another girl. It isn’t looking good for fan fave Bibiana.

Rose ceremony

Only one girl is sent home during this week’s ceremony since Lauren S. and Annaliese were sent packing earlier. To all of America’s dismay, Bibiana is eliminated. Maybe she and Raven’s friend should have prayed for Bibiana instead.

At this point, when ABC reveals a new "Bachelor" or "Bachelorette," its pick is not all that surprising. Usually, the producers just go with the previous

And with that, Arie is three women closer to finding his soulmate. According to the always-right-never-deceiving promos, Millennial Bekah reveals her age to Arie next week. We’re already on the edge of our seats.

Credits

They saved the premium content for last. As they were rolling the credits, Annaliese had yet another direct-to-camera sesh about her “traumatic” childhood. When her parents divorced (OK, that part is sad) she had to sleep at her friend’s house. Apparently, her friend’s Siberian husky had just had a litter of puppies, and Annaliese woke up in the middle of the night covered in said puppies. And that’s it! That’s the “traumatic” experience! Sorry, but how did you expect a guy with a dog to choose you, when you can’t even handle a puppy!? Go home, Annaliese. Oh wait, you already did.

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See y’all next week!

Eliminated

Lauren S.

Annaliese

Bibiana

Kiss Count

Everyone

Follow Leigh McDonald on Twitter at @leighcmcdonald.

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