So, the big question tonight: Who's the father?
It seems as though Season-5 Blair spends her time moping, pouting and generally being intolerable. She spent the entire episode tonight avoiding the envelope that pretty much revealed whether her dreams would come true. Where's the Season-3 Blair who dumped Chuck the second she found out he slept with Jenny? Or the Season-4 Blair who just grabbed Dan and kissed him? The dragging and complaining is getting old. Fast.
When Dan wasn't trying to persuade Blair to deal with her life, he was busy doing some avoiding of his own. He finally figured out who has the book — Noah Shapiro, his old boss. (How did he even get these internships with famous authors, anyway?) But when Dan tries to get him to pull the book, Shapiro calls him out for being a coward. Finally, someone does it. And because Dan still does nothing, Shapiro decides to take credit for the book himself. By the end of the episode, Dan finally pulls himself together and admits that he's the author. But come to find out, it was all just a flawless plot to get him to claim the book as his own. Congrats, "Gossip Girl." That's the kind of twist we've been waiting for.
Another great moment of tonight's episode: Lily is back. Rufus got her an early release from house arrest, somehow. And where are they going? A party, of course. Has there been an episode without one?
Charlie/Ivy tries to leave the Upper East Side once and for all but gets sucked in when she's asked to model at the party. She still plans to leave so her true identity won't be revealed by her "mother," but Blair reminds Charlie/Ivy that she needs to have some things over Carol's head too. After all, she did hire a con artist to gain access to her daughter's trust fund. So even though Carol flies in to take Ivy down, she's swiftly defeated: "If you try to take me down, Carol, then you're coming with me." Perfect. It's like Georgina, only better.
Meanwhile, Nate's in full-on gullible mode. Even after being suspicious of Diana (a guesting Liz Hurley) and confronting her about using him for sex, he still thinks she has good intentions. When she tricks him into ruining a marriage by revealing that a congressman is having an affair, he still goes along with her plans. Because that makes sense.
Even though Chuck didn't have many scenes tonight, he stole the show. He called out Nate for being used, and then he called out Dan for being a wuss: "I may not be able to feel, but at least I'm not paralyzed." But he was a little more than speechless when Blair came to him after reading the test results. No, it's not his. I know, I'm bummed too. But she admits that a little part of her wanted it to be.
The episode ended with Chuck lying in bed, helpless and in pain. He even cried. I didn't think "Gossip Girl" was capable of this kind of emotion.
MORE HIGHLIGHTS FROM "THE JEWEL OF DENIAL."
BEST QUOTE: "The only reason this woman hired you is so you can please her in the bedroom, not the boardroom." Thank you, Chuck. I was starting to think I was the only one who thinks Nate is an idiot.
BEST DRESS: Easily goes to Charlie's gown. It was drop-dead gorgeous. Combined with the "Live your dreams" note from Serena, it presented a serious "awww" moment.
WTF MOMENT: So Diana fires everyone so she can sleep with Nate in the office? What?
MOST CLEAVAGE: Surprisingly, no one. Although Diana will have to break out the skimpy dresses again if Nate actually starts to get smarter.
DUMBEST HEART-TO-HEART: Dan eventually apologizes to Blair about his nagging, and she apologizes for avoiding everything. And then he tries to relate her situation to his short time as a fake baby daddy to Georgina's son? Not the same, Dan. At all.