'The Bachelorette' recap: Season premiere, 'A Minivan Full of Babies'

Chris Harrison and Emily Maynard on the season premiere of "The Bachelorette."
Chris Harrison and Emily Maynard on the season premiere of "The Bachelorette." (Craig Sjodin / ABC)

You may remember this season's bachelorette, Emily Maynard, as the winner (and later dumpee) of the less-than-bright Bachelor Brad. She's the hot single mom with a tragic past and too many morals (she refused the overnight invitation).

Her fiance, NASCAR driver Ricky Hendrick, died in a plane crash -- a plane she would have been on if it wasn't for the morning sickness she was experiencing with their unborn daughter. Okay, that is very sad. No jokes there.

This time around, ABC is skipping the Los Angeles mansion in favor of Emily's hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina. Twenty-five eligible bachelors will vie for Emily and her daughter's affection while acting like immature jerks on national television.

Emily Meets Her Options

Sarah: I remember the many reasons why I skipped the Bachelorette last season: Guys are not catty, they don't wear hideous dresses and Chris made me choose between it and "Gossip Girl" for a spot on the DVR. When Travis exited the limo with an ostrich egg in hand, I realized that this season had enough idiots to keep me interested. He told Emily that he is going to take care of it on this journey to symbolize how he would take care of her and Ricki. WEIRD. Run Emily, run. Best arrival is Kalon, who lands a helicopter in the backyard and wears a really nice suit. I'm sold, but now all the guys hate him.

Chris: Just another batch of homogeneous, bare-chested bachelors that is not short on awkward introductions. Stevie enters with a boom box, bad dance moves and a play-doh face. He then bitches the rest of the episode about the helicopter guy. Congratulations on confirming every awful stereotype about New Jersey.

First impression rose goes to single dad Doug

Sarah: Doug presents Emily with a handwritten letter from his 11-year-old son, outlining the reasons to choose his father. So of course he gets the rose. Though, this was a better choice than the old dude with six kids.

Chris: Just another person exploiting their children on television. Also, single dads are some of the saddest people on earth.

Good decisions so far

Sarah: I'm glad she cut the 41-year-old guy with six kids. What a waste of a contestant -- there was room for one more tool bag. Good decision on dumping Jackson, the fitness model. When he first met her, he got down on one knee and said, "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away. This is one of those moments." Oh, get a life.

Chris: I can't believe she cut Lerone; she's obviously a racist.

The remaining men

Arie, 30 "Speed Racer" -- Emily seemed smitten before she knew he was a race car driver. Now that she knows, we're not sure if she's more or less interested.

Charlie, 32 "Meat Face" -- yes, he had a traumatic brain injury. But we're sure he was still a meat face before that.

Chris, 25 "Bobble Head" -- his mouth is so tiny, like a baby bird.

Doug, 33 "Single Dad Doug" -- that's all he has going for him right now.

Jef, 27 "Jerry Lee Lewis" -- really, Jef with one f? Come on.

Joe, 27 "Balding Dawson" -- he looks like James Van Der Beek, fast forward 20 years. Too bad he's only 27.

Kalon, 27 "Helicopter Guy" -- he's going to make it far.

Nate, 25 "Axe Body Spray" -- he shook Emily's hand and introduced himself like a normal person. She noticed that he smelled nice. That's all it takes, guys.

Ryan, 31 "Fluff Head" -- his hair, really?

Stevie, 26 "Jersey Shore" -- If you were to describe what a date rapist looks like, it would be this guy.

Tony, 30 "Woody" -- How exactly does a wood buyer make money?

Travis, 30 -- "Ostrich Egg"

She picked these guys too, but we don't know anything about them: Aaron, 36 Alejandro, 24 Alessandro, 30 John, 30 Kyle, 29 Michael, 26 Sean, 28