'The Bachelorette' recap, episode 4, Blast me to Bermuda

'The Bachelorette' recap, episode 4, Blast me to Bermuda
Emily takes a break from her busy Bermuda schedule to pose for a photo. She's on a boat! (ABC)

"I feel like a lot of it is just a load of crap." So much for Emily staying in her hometown for "The Bachelorette" -- this week her and the remaining 13 contestants head to Bermuda for this round of dates. And all those undeserving tool bags get to stay at Rosewood Tucker's Point -- the most beautiful (and expensive) resort on the island (the cheapest room is $600 a night). If we sound bitter, we are. We're going to Bermuda for our honeymoon in October … but we won't be staying at Rosewood Tucker's Point.

Single Dad Doug is a Prude Sarah: Single Dad Doug gets super nervous when he receives the single date card. With good reason, since he gets grilled about his faults and then she gets mad when he doesn't tell her all his awful qualities. Maybe he's just a nice guy. Emily gives him the rose after a romantic speech, but he doesn't kiss her. He said he never makes the first move and hadn't kissed a girl in months. This could be his problem with women.

Chris: Emily has to realize that her line of questioning would turn off any normal guy. The fact that they are pandering to her idiocy shows that all these guys are essentially wrong for her.

This Ain't No Booze Cruise Sarah: Arie ("Speed Racer"), Charlie ("Meat Face"), Chris ("Bobble Head"), Jef ("Jerry Lee Lewis"), Kalon ("Helicopter Guy"), Ryan ("Fluff Head"), Travis ("Ostrich Egg") and Sean ("Biceps") get a quick intro on sailing before splitting into ketchup and mustard teams in a race for a dinner date with Emily. While a recipe for disaster, they did have a professional steering the boat and no one fell overboard. Team Mustard won, so Arie, Jef, Ryan and Kalon enjoyed an upgraded cocktail party with Emily on the beach. The previews of Jef getting his finger torn off were overblown; it was barely covered in the actual episode, though it did win him the rose.

Chris: It's interesting that Emily says she doesn't like to watch guys compete, yet she was previously engaged to a race car driver and is also interested in Arie. It would make more sense for her to marry an accountant rather than someone who competes for a living. Emily asked for honesty from the guys, but gets mad when Ryan doesn't back down on his feelings about her possible weight gain ("I'll love you, but won't love on you.") You can't blame him though because she doesn't have the personality to make up for being a fat girl.

Yachting, Cliff Diving and The Last Supper Sarah: Finally, Nate ("Axe Body Spray") gets a date. Unfortunately, it's a double date with John ("Wolf"). After an afternoon of yachting, they eat dinner at an extremely small table in a cave (like Luray caverns except the water looks cleaner). Even though Nate cried after talking about his awesome brother, Emily gave the rose to John.

Chris: I blame Nate's dismissal on the Sonny Crockett-inspired outfit he wore to dinner. Why do the producers force them to eat on one side of the table during the two-on-one dates? It makes it look like a bad sitcom dinner, or The Last Supper.

Rose Ceremony--Two More Out Sarah: Jef is the only one properly dressed for a night out in Bermuda: blue knee socks with Bermuda shorts and a jacket. Ryan is so full of himself it's sickening. Though at least now everyone knows it. He sees "great potential" in Emily, but if it doesn't work out, he'll just be the next Bachelor and/or just use this position to further his career. Well, at least he's being honest. Charlie ("Meat Face") and Michael get the expected boot.

Chris: All of the conversations with Emily are generalities; there's no depth or details. This communication technique should be reserved for the weird guy at work you want to avoid having lunch with.

The Remaining Men

Arie, 30 "Speed Racer" -- I want to vomit when I see him kiss Emily. His lips suck her whole face in.


Chris, 25 "Bobble Head" -- He got in an argument with Single Dad Doug for calling him immature. He responded by verbally assaulting Doug and his "humble ways." Nonsense.

Doug, 33 "Single Dad Doug" -- Our vote to go to the top five.

Jef, 27 "Jerry Lee Lewis" -- A sweet guy with a bad hairstyle.

John, 30 "Wolf" -- This is his actual nickname. We tried to avoid it at first, but they keep putting it on the screen.

Kalon, 27 "Helicopter Guy" -- He's not going to last long. His butt chin is growing.

Ryan, 31 "Fluff Head" -- We thought it was just a bad hair day, but his hair is literally cut to make it fluff easier.

Sean, 28 "Biceps" -- I wasn't drinking this episode. He's a buthisface.

Travis, 30 "Ostrich Egg" -- We're still not over the egg.

Alejandro, 24 -- We know nothing about this guy. Nothing. Except that his head is tiny.