'True Blood' recap: Season 5, Episode 9, 'Everybody Wants to Rule the World'
By By Jordan Bartel, assistant editor and b
Aug 05, 2012 | 10:12 PM
Exhibit 23 of how ridiculous most of this episode was: Sookie actually says, "I'll be fine once I wash the pig out of my hair."
The season has tried my patience. It's not horrible, it's not great. Some moments are pretty great in a very campy way (I particularly loved the crazy-bad new villain Sweetie Desarts). And Pam, of course, continues to be the best thing on the show.
But this episode was pretty unbearable, save for the first 10 minutes of a return-to-sassy-form Lafayette. The "Obamas" shifter assassins feeding Hoyt and Sookie to pigs?! The most boring time at the Authority ever (minus a weird sex scene with Salome and Bill)?! Alcide wandering around like a lost puppy?!
Well, at least we likely saw the last of the smoke-fire monster.
Randomly, most of the episode centered on the shifter assassins, now called "the Obamas" because of their masks, which Jason brilliantly deduces are used to hide their identities (which was dumb even for Jason).
Sam and Luna are hellbent on finding out who the Obamas are, so they meddle in the ongoing sheriff investigation. Andy finds the shifter assassins' web site (which really should have been found earlier, right?), and notices some boots he recognizes.
They belong to former sheriff Bud Dearborne, who just happens to get a visit from Sookie who's trying to get more information on her parents' murder. The sheriff was the one who discovered the body, and as Sookie tries to talk to him about it, she's hit over the head by a frying pan wielded by the sheriff's new love, Sweetie Desarts.
Sweetie. Des. Arts. She's plus-sized, likes to wear a short robe and is the "dragon" in charge of the shifter assassins. She hates all supernaturals, or "supes" as she says with much venom. And Sookie discovers, via mind-reading, that Sweetie was once cheated on by a guy who hooked up with a shifter.
That's the root of this. The sheriff hates all supes because he thinks they are responsible for much of the unsolved crimes when he was sheriff. Which may be true, but joining an extremist cult modeled after the KKK seems like a drastic step, Bud.
Anyway, Sookie is tied up and placed in the pig barn with Hoyt. Sweetie and the Obamas decide to then film them feeding Sookie and Hoyt to their pigs. But it all goes wrong when Sam, who has shifted into a pig, comes to human form and nakedly fights with the assassins (Luna does her part, too, and nakedly runs after Sweetie and punches her lights out).
There was lots of nakedness this episode. And pigs.
Andy and Jason leads the sheriff's department to the barn right when the naked Sam fighting is going down, and then kills Bud Dearborne after he raises a shovel and yells, "Humans rule."
And Hoyt almost gets eaten to death by pigs.
Like I said, this was perhaps one of the most ridiculous plots in"True Blood"history (though I want more Sweetie." I feel as though this is a turning-point season for wanting to to keep watching "True Blood" -- even for fans.
Sookie is pushed to the side, just getting caught up in everything bad that happens in Bon Temps. The shifter assassins plot is not well-done: it's laughably bad and not scary and not creepy enough. Hopefully it's over.
Also hopefully over: the Ifrit thing. Whatever the point of that was. Patrick kidnaps Arlene, lures Terry to Merlotte's and is about to kill him until Arlene stabs Patrick in the neck. Terry then ends up shooting Patrick in the head when the Iraqi woman who killed him tells him to "do what is right."
She seems pleased (as pleased as I was to finally say goodbye to Patrick), and then summons the Ifrit and tells it to "take what is yours."
I may have cheered a little bit.
Even the time at the Authority was more boring than usual. The plan to destroy Tru Blood factories is underway (Houston's factory is destroyed, as are a few more later), and Eric is busy plotting his escape -- with or without Bill (and with the random tech girl Molly played by Tina Majorino).
Meanwhile, Bill is busy being sucked into Salome's world. He "doesn't know what to believe in anymore!" he tells Eric, but what is does believe in is having sex with Salome (another naked alert), that turns violent when he sees Sookie in her place, bites her neck and then sees Salome as Lilith, who then bites him and ... ugh.
Later, Eric attempts his escape, kidnapping his sister, Nora, with the help of Molly but then being caught by Salome and her crew. Turns out he was betrayed by Bill ("Traitor!" he sneers) and he's handcuffed. Is Bill really that transfixed by Lilith blood to do this? I'd be more interested in this whole thing if it was a) believable and b) included more all-out war scenes with vampires vs. humans.
Sigh. Well, there were two redeeming moments of the episode: Pam and Lafayette.
Lafayette had a great, quotable scene in the very beginning with Sookie who asks him to try to figure out who the spirit was who scarily encountered her last episode. "Creepy spirit thing, why you in Sookie's bathroom?" he asks.
He doesn't get an answer ("I ain't Whoppi Goldberg in 'Ghost,' he says. "Although I am prettier." Although he does later get in touch with Gran, who tells Sookie to look through a scrapbook, where she finds out that Dearborne discovered her dead folks.
And Pam. Love Pam. Because of the Tru Blood factory bombings, demand for the drink is high, and Tara wants to save some of the bottles for later. Pam tells her to keep serving it -- and stay out of trying to figure out whether the vampires are behind it.
"There's two things I stay away from: humans who eat a lot of fish and politics," she says.
And when Tara says she can talk to her if she misses Eric, Pam has this gem: "Just because we ate a b---- together does not mean we are Oprah and Gayle."
I want to be Gayle to Pam's Oprah.
MORE HIGHLIGHTS FROM 'EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD'
Steve + Russell forever: Russell and Steve Newlin are sort of a cute couple, even when Russell feeds his blood to the werewolf pack and then kidnaps wolf-Emma and gives it to Steve.
Alcide has a flashback: To when he joined the pack/learned the way of the wolf as a teenager. The young Alcide looked nothing like the current Alcide -- and has crazy eyebrows.
Nice hobby: We learn that Sweetie was the square dancing champion of Louisiana.
Seriously, fairy names are bad: When Claude and his family visit Sookie to tell her vampires are behind the Tru Blood factory bombings, we meet a new Claude-based-name sister: Claudija. I guess they're running out of Claude derivatives.