'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' recap, Brandi meets the mistress

Brandi Glanville brought the drama this week.
Brandi Glanville brought the drama this week. (Bravo)

We pick up right where left off: at Kyle's failed dinner party, where Faye is tearing into Brandi for spreading some toxic gossip about the Maloofs.

Brandi finally gets fed up and leaves the table.

Of course, Kyle — who instigated this entire situation from beginning to end — is simply distraught that her lovely dinner party was ruined. Faye seems awfully pleased with herself, though. She did do a good job of inserting herself all up in the storyline. Milk that screen time!

Lisa does not approve, and suggests that Kyle pretend to be a good host and try to stop Brandi before she leaves.

Marisa Zanuck, Kyle's well-connected dinner guest that I've already decided is awesome, backs Brandi up. Of course, she understands that Adrienne is upset, but Brandi needs to clear her head before confronting the situation. Faye, obviously, doesn't feel bad about what she said, but snarked that she may send Brandi some flowers. Ugh. Go away.

Lisa brings up the fact that Brandi felt intimidated by Paul. He was definitely throwing around b-words and doing a lot of aggressive posturing. But Faye poo-poos that, believing that Brandi's making up excuses. Lisa responds with a glorious eye roll.

Meanwhile, Kyle is following a sobbing Brandi to her car, pretending to care whether or not she leaves. Kyle is so the Big Bad on this show right now. It's not even funny anymore.

Faye's caught up on Brandi mentioning the Maloofs' deep pockets, and Lisa's not feeling Faye's patronizing tone. Lisa's not "sweet" for defending Brandi. She's loyal. Plus, Adrienne isn't exactly Glenda the Good Witch. She definitely tried to shatter Lisa's reputation not too long ago.

In her confessional, Faye alleges that Lisa is using Brandi as a pawn, so that she can malign Adrienne without getting her hands dirty. Am I the only one who noticed that Faye looked like a velociraptor in that scene? A pretty velociraptor, but a velociraptor nonetheless.

Lisa goes out to lend Brandi a more enthusiastic shoulder to cry on, because Kyle isn't even trying at this point. Finally, Brandi gets into her car and leaves, and the awkward dinner party commences. Faye gives Kyle the world's crappiest apology for showing her behind. Alright. No more Faye. Ok?

The next day, Taylor's clairvoyant, Alisha, makes a house call. Normally, I would snark about that, but New Year, New Me. We are all entitled to our beliefs. She brought over a black rock to help her "discharge negativity". Taylor's been going through it lately, fighting off a huge lawsuit from a public company. She also gives her some prayer beads, and teaches her how to properly meditate.

I may not be snarking about all of this, but Bravo definitely is. That wacky music they played while Alisha taught Taylor about the sacred elixir her spirit releases when she meditates — real shady, Bravo.

Anyway, Alisha gets a vision that Taylor will get some peace, and that a settlement will be reached. Then she begins to cleanse the house with a bell and some rosewater, I believe. I was beginning to take a shine to Alisha, right up until the commercial break, when she told Taylor conspiratorially that Princess Diana told her what really happened to her. *Blank stare* Ok, woman.

Kyle's all set to do some yoga with Marisa. The instructor seems pretty patient. He almost pretends to be interested in what happened at Kyle's dinner party. Marisa was definitely turned off by the whole thing. The instructor advises them to get rid of all of that bad juju through yoga.


But he tires of their chatter, and flat out suggests they stop talking. Of course, they ignore him, because rehashing last night's events is way more important than paying attention to the man you paid to come to your house and walk you through these stretches. Poor guy.

While shopping, Lisa tells Brandi that Scheana — Lisa's employee who slept with Brandi's ex — wants to have a sit-down to end the madness. Brandi isn't the most forgiving woman in the world. Plus, Scheana did sleep with Brandi's ex-husband while she was pregnant. Of course, he's the one who actually broke vows, but Girl Code! Not sleeping with married men is at the top of the list — and it's bolded and underlined. 

She eventually agrees to meet with Scheana, for Lisa. Honestly, if Lisa were truly trill, she would've fired the girl. No matter that she's been working for Lisa for three years. That's got to be a valid reason to let someone go, right? Actively sleeping with their employer's best friend's husband?

Anyway, Taylor's lawyer gives her a call. The guy who is suing her has finally realized that Taylor has very little money, and has proposed that he take Taylor's 10-carat wedding ring, instead. Obviously, this sickens Taylor to her stomach.

The lawyer admits that he didn't even want to bring it up, but it's a way out. Apparently, the slimeball also asked for two of Taylor's Hermes handbags. This is the most hood rich settlement proposal I have ever heard. Worst of all, this is a former friend, here.

Finally, we check in with Yolanda, who definitely isn't making it past this season if she keeps up with the boring maturity thing. She's cooking dinner for her kids, who seem well adjusted and respectful. So, that's dull.

Gigi, her 17-year-old that models, wants to start back playing volleyball, but Yolanda isn't for it. She's afraid it will make her put on manly muscle. There's a little tension there, but yeah. Snooze.

Brandi stops by Camille's and I'm already dreading more comments about Kelsey Grammer's penis. He and Camille are being really messy about this divorce. She says her children aren't allowed to say her name in his house. Not sure if it's the new wife, or not.


Lisa brings up the possible meeting with Scheana. Camille says it'll be good if it gives her closure, but she agrees that she wouldn't want specific details. It's nice to see Brandi get along with someone other than Lisa. Camille wants her to make sure she's prepared for all of this, but it may be cathartic for her to confront it. That way, she won't be tense every time she goes to Sur.

Oh yeah, Adrienne. We haven't seen hide or hair of her in a minute. She needed some space from the girls after the Brandi thing, which is understandable.

She and Paul are creating their own skin care line. Why the hell does Paul have on that lab coat? He is the absolute worst.

Taylor and John, her lawyer, meet Kyle, Mauricio and the Vanderpumps for dinner to celebrate the lawsuit settlement. They all seem adequately appalled that she had to give up her ring, but Kyle is right. Those are material things and Lisa is very supportive telling her that they've been worried about her, but now she has turned a corner. Plus, Ken is bopping about like he never got hip surgery. Look at this positivity!

And then John ruins it by telling Kyle that he ran into Kim at some cigar club. Kyle instantly starts to worry about her sister's sobriety. Plus, Kyle's still hung up on the fact that Kim didn't invite her to her nephew's Vegas, birthday shindig.

Now for Brandi and Scheana's meeting, which surely can't end well. Lisa wants her to remember that Scheana was "young and stupid" when she slept with Eddie, but Brandi has on this flattering, body-con mini dress so basically, she's dressed to intimidate.

Brandi accepts Scheana's apology, but she is not about to let the mistress cry — that's the hurt ex-wife's right. Especially since the mistress in question then sold the story of the affair to the press. Because after he told her he loved her and showered her with gifts and trips, he left Scheana for LeAnn Rimes? This is a real American horror story.

Then Brandi goes — and I'm paraphrasing here — "I don't care about your excuses. My life is better than yours, you skanky mistress. You were one of many." Scheana starts to try to explain that she and Eddie's relationship felt real to her, and Brandi shuts that down. Scheana thought it was real. She even introduced the guy to her mother. She is a walking cautionary tale. Pay attention, y'all.

Finally, they reach a sort of corssroads. Brandi gets in a good on-screen jab at her ex, saying he can't act for the life of him, but he could win Academy Awards for his lying. Scheana doesn't want Brandi to think that she was cruelly sleeping with her husband. Brandi then shows some maturity, saying it was Eddie's decision to cheat and Scheana was in the dark.

She wants the best for her kids and will never speak ill of their father to them. In fact, she hopes he stays with LeAnn, so they don't have to go through this again. She even gives Scheana a little shoulder pat when she leaves. Growth! Maturity! Aww.