'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' recap, Adrienne vs. Lisa (and vs. Brandi)

Adrienne Maloof: Them fightin' words!
Adrienne Maloof: Them fightin' words! (Bravo)

Last week things got tense at Yolanda and David's first dinner party as cast members. There was drunken singing, gossip and my personal favorite, Lisa's total disregard of Adrienne and Paul's very existence. Seriously, the way she turned away from them was magical. I'm going to figure out how to make gifs just so I can create that one.

Anywho, the end of last week's episode promised a showdown between Lisa and Adrienne this week, and for that I will be forever grateful. Sure, it's fun to make jokes about how pressed Paul and Adrienne are for Lisa to engage in catty warfare — and even more fun to watch her rise above it all — but all of this build up has me itching for an all-out, shade-out.

On to the Lisa/Adrienne showdown. Adrienne's all, "We make better friends. My bad, Lisa. Kumbaya." And Lisa's kind of just slow-blinking and sipping wine through it. You can practically hear Adrienne's stomach dropping, and she starts to stammer through the rest. Mainly, because this apology is based on nothing other than, her wanting the feud to be over because she doesn't have enough heart. Adrienne basically feels like friends sometimes hurt each other and they should be mature, and a whole heap of other malarkey.

Darn it! Lisa decides to ease up, explaining that Adrienne hurt her, and she felt that her integrity was being questioned. She says she appreciates Adrienne coming by to kiss the ring, because she's far too classy for catfights and shouting matches. She accepts the apology, but she is well aware that she and Adrienne's relationship will never be the same.

For whatever reason, Adrienne's still convinced that Lisa owes her an apology, as well, but she knew that was a pipe dream. Lisa is a far better woman than me. I'll ride a grudge like that until the wheels fall off.

Kyle's daughter, Alexia, takes her driving test, failing it twice, but passing it on the third try. Never heard of them allowing you three tries in one day, but that's what happens. Now Alexia's out risking other people's lives in a Maserati.

Yay, Brandi's back this episode! Lisa, being awesome, hooks Brandi up with a gig, modeling for Beverly Hills Lifestyle magazine. And she looks absolutely gorgeous, by the way.

That's not the only new job opportunities heading Miss Glanville's way. She's also writing a tell-all about her divorce. After the way she judged Taylor for writing a book after Russell's death, surely Taylor is going to have a problem with this. There was definitely something untoward about Taylor profiting from a man's death – even a man who may have abused her. But either way, that drama is going to boil over, nicely.


Later, Kim invites the ladies to a spa day at Casa Elar Spa and Resort in Ojai, California. (Just Googled that place, because I'm a masochist. For $290, you can be slathered with locally-grown honey and lavender, dip your feet in a foaming sugar scrub, be buffed with this lavender and herb powder and then enjoy a heated body wrap — made of lavender and honey.) And when I say, "the ladies" I mean all of the ladies, including Brandi. Dun dun dun!

It's totally understandable that Kim wants to forgive Brandi as a part of her sobriety, and hats off too her. But this is definitely going to end badly.

While Kyle, Kim, Adrienne, Taylor and Camille are riding to the spa a limo, Kyle asks Camille about her ex's — Kelsey Grammer, y'all — new tattoo. (Sidenote: These people insist on taking limos everywhere. Isn't that a little nouveau riche? Whatever. My first student loan payment is due this week, so I'm feeling a little bitter while watching these women squander their wealth.)


Camille claims it's right by his privates, for "when he wears his bikini" and Adrienne suggests that it was to make it look bigger. If you were eating when you read that, I deeply apologize.

Apparently, when Camille's new boo, Dimitri Charalambopoulos — a man with the body of a high school wrestler and a name like a Death Eater — heard about the tattoo, he wanted to tell TMZ that he got a tattoo on his manly bits, as well. Only his is of he and Camille's full, multi-syllabic names (or was it just her name?), because … well, you know.

Either way — Mental … Cleanse ... Needed.

Over dinner, former foes Brandi and Kim have a heart-to-heart about substance abuse. After her divorce from her cheating husband, Eddie Cibrian, Brandi began abusing prescription drugs, specifically the anti-depressant Lexapro. Sometimes it's still hard for Brandi, being around a bunch of other women who are married and/or have kids. Kim, who is all-too-familiar with addiction, begins to cry. It's a really touching moment. It's one of the few real conversations that have taken place this season.

That's when Adrienne jumps in and ruins it all. Oblivious to what's going on, Adrienne starts acting like a typical mean girl, mockingly calling attention to the fact that Kim is crying. Brandi isn't for it. Even though she hasn't always been the nicest to Kim, Adrienne flat-out picking on her when she's discussing her addiction is beyond the pale. Basically, Brandi's noticed what we've all noticed: that many of the Housewives are kind of mean to Kim. And Adrienne? She's all-out insensitive.

At first, it seemed like Brandi was just going to settle for shooting Adrienne a death glare, but no. She went on and spoke up, about Adrienne calling her out. Mocking her to make a big deal of Kim showing actual emotion. That most of them cant do because … Botox.

Brandi went on and got gutter, telling Adrienne to shut the eff up. Taylor clutched her pearls because Brandi's uncouth and ruined the dinner party, or whatever. Because Taylor alwayyysss behaves appropriately at dinner. *eye roll*

Next week: Drunken Housewives acting like teenagers! Taylor's butt cheeks! Brandi gets news about her book deal. Taylor Smaasshhhh! Brandi vs. Adrienne? Yolanda's fed up! And … go karts!

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