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'The Bachelorette' recap: sumo wrestling and substitute teaching

L-R: Shawn B., Clint, JJ, Chris and Joe get ready for sumo wrestling on "The Bachelorette."
L-R: Shawn B., Clint, JJ, Chris and Joe get ready for sumo wrestling on "The Bachelorette." (ABC)

Yet again, we start where we left off last week, with Kupah, the 32-year-old with chin fuzz and earrings, going off on the camera crew after being asked to leave for being rude to Kaitlyn. As the other men watch out the window, Kaitlyn decides to go outside to rectify the situation, because after one session with Laila Ali, she can take on anyone.

When she asked him what was going on, he responded, "I don't want to go home. I came here to open myself up to the potential of falling in love with a girl." To which she responds, "Nothing is going to change," and "Please stop yelling."

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As she walks away, he loudly whispers, "We're gonna whisper now." Followed by "whispering" that she probably has chlamydia, that he has been "dissed" by uglier girls and that he doesn't even like her anymore.

Cocktail in hand, Kupah and his chin fuzz get in the SUV, likely to hit up the hotel mini-fridge before heading back to his job as an entrepreneur. Good thing he works for himself, because after tonight's showing, he probably wouldn't have a job.

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Kaitlyn walks back into the mansion to let the rest know she sent Kupah home and asks them to be open with her about their feelings moving forward. Chris Harrison comes in to tell the dismal group that it's time for the rose ceremony.

It's annoying that they're doing this at the beginning of the episodes now, but "The Bachelorette" isn't as enjoyable to watch as "The Bachelor," because chicks are way crazier than dudes, so I understand they have to leave us wanting more each week.

ROSE CEREMONY

The scene opens with a full moon because we are in Los Angeles, and Mercury is in retrograde this dramatic evening.

Kaitlyn eliminates Cory with no "e" (who can definitely call me), and Daniel, the fashion designer from Tennessee.

The next morning, two actual sumo wrestlers ride beach cruisers to the boys' home to wake them up by screaming in their faces while ringing a gong. This is the first view of all of the contestants' regrettable tattoos after a long night of beer pong. Not surprisingly, JJ has the worst.

Outside, Chris Harrison introduces the wrestlers. The first is a four-time world sumo wrestling champion. Chris announces the second as the fattest Japanese human ever. Not sure either title is something I'd share, but that's just me. Chris says today's group date will be learning how to sumo wrestle. I'm starting to wonder if Kaitlyn has daddy issues because boxing followed by wrestling is a pretty aggressive elimination process.

FIRST GROUP DATE

The group date includes Chris, Tony, JJ, Joe, Shawn B. and Clint.

Each of the men competing have to put on mawashi sumo belts (had to Google that), and JJ makes a comment about needing an extra large one, which definitely means he has small-man syndrome. It appears that for this group date, even the guys who weren't selected get to be there as onlookers, which seems like a plotline to another "Bachelor" porn.

We watch these enormous Japanese men demonstrate sumo moves, and I appreciate that someone on this season knows what it's like to work out with big boobs, because those babies were everywhere.

The group talks about seeing all of Joe's man parts as he practices sumo moves, and I wonder how many times Kaitlyn has seen man parts after three days of knowing someone.

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As soon as a comparison to football is made, Ben Z. — the personal trainer who is still very much living in his high-school-glory-football-playing days —  tells the camera he would have been great on this date. You know, because he played football 15 years ago.

We watch the four-time sumo champ and the fattest Japanese human ever "wrestle," and then each of the six guys have to wrestle one of the pros. I have never been more uncomfortable watching TV, and I saw "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" with my parents and a boy I was dating in college.

Tony the healer is last, and he tells the camera that he may be a peaceful man but he is going to, without a doubt, beat this guy. Yes, he means the professional. When he doesn't win, he storms off. Kaitlyn follows him, and he ignores her for a few minutes before telling her that he is uncomfortable with all of the aggression on the dates thus far. He goes on to remind everyone that he is a peaceful guy and that he is there for her and to show her love doesn't have to be violent.

"This wasn't about violence to me, it was a way to have fun," Kaitlyn responds, and they banter for a while before JJ interrupts them, sending Tony into a not-so-peaceful tantrum. Ian, who looks like the guy who was sleeping with Olivia Pope before she found out he tried to kill Scott Foley, follows Tony to hear him say, "I can't find happiness by reverting back to my primal instincts," which makes me laugh out loud. Kaitlyn tries to calm him down, and Tony spits off the side of the building. I don't find that very peaceful.

After they hug it out, we learn that Kaitlyn has set up an exhibition for the second part of the group date. Where was my stand-in call for this? Tony has decided not to join for the second part of the date, and Kaitlyn makes a joke about him finding his Zen.

The men disrobe in front of a group of strangers, and I hope they all get to see Joe's man parts.

As the exhibition begins, Kaitlyn is up first against the four-time champion sumo wrestler. She wins, which is as dumb as it sounds. Then we watch Clint 'roid out on each of the guys before heading back to see Tony continue on his rant. We learn, from Tony, that his idea of a fun date is to go to the zoo to see who can make the best elephant noise.

Finally, Tony packs his bag and leaves "on his terms," which means in the most ridiculous outfit he can find — an Aztec XXL hoodie with a camouflage baseball cap.

Tony wants to be the one to tell Kaitlyn he is leaving, so he gets a ride to the cocktail part of the group date and confesses that he is leaving this "circus" but he is easily found should she ever want to look for him. Doubtful, healer. Doubtful.

As the other five men from today's group date arrive, Chris, the dentist who showed up in a cupcake costume, pulls Kaitlin aside, so we know that the next eight to 10 minutes are going to be of her kissing each of them.

Shawn B., and his fancy socks, is the first to tell her that he's never fallen so hard so quickly, so obviously Kaitlyn gets up to give him the group-date rose.

Clint, the guy who drew a poster of Chris Harrison as a triceratops, tells JJ, that he's going to see if Kaitlyn actively seeks his time. She doesn't, and after she's given Shawn B. the rose, she calls him out in front of the group for ignoring her. Clint then tells the camera that Kaitlyn probably isn't the right girl for him but that he really likes the other men here, specifically JJ, who he calls a "sweetheart." Not trying to be presumptuous here, but I'm curious to see where ABC is trying to go with this storyline.

The next morning, for the first time, Kaitlyn is given a date card, and it reads, "Kaitlyn, This time I've planned the date for you. Please pick up your man at the mansion. The driver knows where to go. Be prepared for anything! Chris Harrison," and I am immediately distracted, thinking about how terrible it would be to date Chris Harrison. Also, nice self-promotion on the new book.

Back at the mansion, Jonathan, the pool boy from "Legally Blonde," reads the date card aloud. It says, "Ben Z., be prepared for anything. Chris Harrison."

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ONE-ON-ONE DATE

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Kaitlyn reiterates that Ben Z. is a big, muscular man about 14 times. Chris Harrison gives them tips on what it takes to be in a healthy relationship, and I feel like this is comparable to Ryan Seacrest wearing a tux from the Ryan Seacrest collection on the red carpet.

The date is super creepy. They have to go into a dark room, with the doors locked, and figure out how to get out. When Kaitlyn opens the door to enter the room, a bird flies out into her face and she screams before telling us that her biggest fear is birds. She has matching bird tattoos on her arms, so I'm a little confused. Ben Z. says he wants to protect her, because he is a "big, muscular man."

Basically, it was a scavenger hunt through a haunted house, and all we hear is Kaitlyn's screams. At least Ben Z. is super attractive because this was just boring and gross.

The second part of the date is back at Kaitlyn's mansion, and for a minute I forget it's ABC's mansion and pause to Google what she did for a living before this show.

Ben Z. retells the story of his mother dying and confesses that he hasn't cried in 11 years. He probably should, because he's so dehydrated that he is sweating profusely. After wiping his brow numerous times, he stops their kissing session to tell her to change into her swimsuit and I assume it's because he can smell his own body odor.

Back at the other mansion, the second group-date card arrives and Chris, the dentist who showed up in a cupcake costume, reads, "Jonathan, Ben H., Joshua, Ryan, Jared and Tanner, Let's learn to love, Kaitlyn."

The one-on-one date ends as Kaitlyn and Ben Z. sip champagne in a hot tub in the Hollywood Hills because that is how first dates go. She gives him the rose. They make out.

SECOND GROUP DATE

The men of this group date are picked up in a school bus to greet Kaitlyn at an elementary school, where they will substitute teach. They are charged with opening their assigned lockers to learn what they are going to teach. It's sex education to elementary school-aged children. I bet Kaitlyn regrets sending home the amateur sex coach.

Exactly like last week, I hated the first date but love the second.

Before the date starts, we go back to the mansion and ABC is really playing up the "bromance" between Clint and JJ. JJ thanks Clint for picking the pimples on his back in the shower last night and it's time for me to pour a cocktail.

Ryan, the hipster realtor, is the first to teach. As he holds a prop of the female anatomy. He points out a few choice body parts while the kids gasp and giggle. He makes a few jokes I appreciate.

Jonathan, the pool boy from "Legally Blonde," is next. When he tells the kids they can ask questions, he is asked, "What are the four bases?" followed by "How many positions are there for having sex?" followed by "What is a wet dream?" and finally, "What is a condom?"

Kaitlyn tells the camera that these are actually child actors, and she is pulling a prank. I am laughing so hard I want to call my parents, but it's 11 p.m. in Los Angeles, so they'll just have to read this.

Tanner, whose most memorable attribute so far is that Britt called him "smiley," has to show the kids how to put a condom on a banana.

Joshua, the industrial welder, has to talk about girls getting their periods, and he is so uncomfortable the "teacher" has to guide him through the explanation. This is probably a tell sign, Kaitlyn.

Ben H., who has done nothing memorable so far, has to talk to them about sex, and he cheeses it up by turning it into a love story between himself and Kaitlin by comparing the two of them to sperm and eggs. Obviously, Kaitlyn fell for it and tells us that if "he brings the heat tonight, it will be on." There has never been a more sexual season of this show, and I love it.

After I type that last sentence, Kaitlyn tells the camera, "A guy that can talk about physical intimacy is appealing to me. It's attractive." Ladies and gentlemen, this is only going to get better each week.

Joshua, the industrial welder, is the first to pull her aside and he tells her that he didn't have his first kiss until college. Kaitlyn tells us that he needs to step his game up as we watch him kiss her on the forehead.

Don't fret, Ben H. is next and Round 2 of kissing everyone (except Joshua) begins. While Ben H. and Kaitlyn make out, he dips her, "Dirty Dancing" style. Kaitlyn says she can see a lot of good things happening in Ben, and I am pretty sure she meant "in bed."

We go back to the mansion to watch more of Clint and JJ's "bromance." We see them sitting in the hot tub, before Clint serenades JJ with a guitar. Clint tells the camera that he has more of a connection with JJ than Kaitlyn and that they have maybe become "too close in the house … and in the shower." He goes on to say, "The thought of the possibility of coming onto 'The Bachelorette' and falling in love with a man never crossed my mind, but I believe in the process and at this point, I am a success story" implying that he's fallen in love with JJ.

At the group date, Jared "Love Man" and Kaitlyn head to Kaitlyn's hotel room where they make out and dance without music in the hotel room. I don't know about other women, but dancing with a man to no music does nothing for me.

Even after their performance, Kaitlyn gives Ben H. the rose in front of the group, and Jared is very visibly upset.

COCKTAIL RECEPTION

With a fresh spray tan and blowout, Kaitlyn tells the group that things this week were rough but she is certain her husband is in the room.

Clint reminds us that he isn't interested in Kaitlyn but he loves JJ and wants to stay around for that relationship. He is the first to pull her outside, makes a joke about not having any balls and assertively kisses her. We then see him flirting with JJ and again, telling the camera that he loves JJ. I'm still not sure where this is going, so I'm going to refrain from commentary for now.

There are several men who sit with Kaitlyn and insinuate that there are some contestants here for reasons that aren't genuine. Joshua gets Kaitlyn riled up enough to tell him that Clint won't be there much longer. She leaves Joshua to find Clint, and tells us she will not put up with anyone "playing her" and Clint is "going down in flames," which of course is followed by a "to be continued" with scenes from the upcoming weeks.

ELIMINATED

Cory, with no "e" (who is free to call me)

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Daniel, the fashion designer from Tennessee

Tony, the healer who left on his own terms

LINE OF THE NIGHT

(I had to give this one to Tanner. Sorry Kait.) During the sex-ed curriculum, a kid told Tanner the banana that he was going to put a condom on "looked yummy" to which Tanner responded, "Dude. Not the word to describe that right now."

HOMETOWN GUESSES

(I feel like I am at a point where I can start to make these assumptions as well. You're welcome.)

Shawn B., because she is clearly about physicality and very attracted to him

Ben Z., because she is clearly about physicality and very attracted to him

Ben H., because he turned the charm on in episode four, which is usually telling

Joe, because he's from Kentucky and she already saw his man parts

However, we do have Nick from Andi's season joining the cast, according to next week's promos, so this could change. This is a fun season; see you Monday.

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